1 00:00:15,483 --> 00:00:18,218 Darling, are you okay? 2 00:00:18,219 --> 00:00:20,487 Yes, yes, very good. Thank you. 3 00:00:20,488 --> 00:00:22,322 Something is wrong with Laszlo. 4 00:00:22,323 --> 00:00:24,491 It has been like this a few weeks now. 5 00:00:24,492 --> 00:00:27,527 He just sits in the library, staring off into space. 6 00:00:27,528 --> 00:00:29,229 I have never seen him like this before. 7 00:00:29,230 --> 00:00:32,232 Laszlo, I've just been reading this book 8 00:00:32,233 --> 00:00:34,267 about the Battle Of Quiberon Bay. 9 00:00:34,268 --> 00:00:36,202 Could you explain to me the difference between 10 00:00:36,203 --> 00:00:40,073 an Endymion-class frigate and a brigantine? 11 00:00:40,074 --> 00:00:42,943 Yes, yes, very good. Thank you. 12 00:00:42,944 --> 00:00:44,811 I fear I am to blame. 13 00:00:44,812 --> 00:00:46,513 Laszlo is so worried about this hex 14 00:00:46,514 --> 00:00:48,281 that is ruining my eternal life 15 00:00:48,282 --> 00:00:50,250 that he is emotionally depleted. 16 00:00:50,251 --> 00:00:51,785 Sadly, I think it is 17 00:00:51,786 --> 00:00:53,887 because his world has been rocked 18 00:00:53,888 --> 00:00:56,489 by the fact that I am in such a good place. 19 00:00:56,490 --> 00:00:59,793 Actually, I keep having these dreams 20 00:00:59,794 --> 00:01:02,429 where I'm a small child, 21 00:01:02,430 --> 00:01:05,265 and Laszlo is... my daddy. 22 00:01:05,266 --> 00:01:08,201 That is actually because that did happen, Colin Robinson. 23 00:01:08,202 --> 00:01:11,338 I think I would remember Laszlo wiping my bottom. 24 00:01:11,339 --> 00:01:12,906 It's 'cause he did. 25 00:01:12,907 --> 00:01:14,307 Though, to be fair, that... 26 00:01:14,308 --> 00:01:16,343 that is what's happening 27 00:01:16,344 --> 00:01:18,211 - in-in the dream. - Ew. - Please stop. 28 00:01:18,212 --> 00:01:19,813 Laszlo? 29 00:01:19,814 --> 00:01:21,147 Laszlo? 30 00:01:21,148 --> 00:01:22,916 Yeah, it's my fault. 31 00:01:22,917 --> 00:01:24,284 Laszlo's been working so hard to figure out 32 00:01:24,285 --> 00:01:25,952 why I'm not a full vampire yet. 33 00:01:25,953 --> 00:01:27,988 And Laszlo hates defeat, so, - 34 00:01:27,989 --> 00:01:29,289 I think it's broken his brain. 35 00:01:29,290 --> 00:01:30,257 Laszlo, I just want you 36 00:01:30,258 --> 00:01:31,424 to know that it's okay. 37 00:01:31,425 --> 00:01:32,926 - You did your best. - Gizmo? 38 00:01:32,927 --> 00:01:35,028 Yes. Yes, I'm here for you. 39 00:01:35,029 --> 00:01:36,329 Yes, yes, very good. Thank you. 40 00:01:36,330 --> 00:01:39,032 Even his libido is out of whack. 41 00:01:39,033 --> 00:01:42,068 I mean, we are down to, like, only 16 fucks a week. 42 00:01:42,069 --> 00:01:44,237 We are down to just three. 43 00:01:44,238 --> 00:01:47,374 I can't even get enough of a rise out of him 44 00:01:47,375 --> 00:01:48,908 for a mini-drain. 45 00:01:48,909 --> 00:01:50,810 Good Lord. Ooh! 46 00:01:50,811 --> 00:01:54,948 Does the limited warranty cover the power cord, or just 47 00:01:54,949 --> 00:01:57,217 - the main unit itself? - Ooh, I have been hammering so hard 48 00:01:57,218 --> 00:01:59,753 - on these big nails. - Good one, Jimbo. You got me there. 49 00:01:59,754 --> 00:02:01,788 - Yeah, no, I'd love to go on hold. Sure. - Ooh. Ooh. 50 00:02:01,789 --> 00:02:03,290 Let's pound some rivets, baby. 51 00:02:03,291 --> 00:02:04,991 Look what I found. 52 00:02:04,992 --> 00:02:07,093 A big box of ships and pornography. 53 00:02:07,094 --> 00:02:09,229 Yes, yes, very good. Thank you. 54 00:02:44,965 --> 00:02:47,300 Anything? 55 00:02:47,301 --> 00:02:49,369 There are no stupid ideas, 56 00:02:49,370 --> 00:02:51,738 just stupid people. 57 00:02:51,739 --> 00:02:53,340 What do we know about Laszlo? 58 00:02:53,341 --> 00:02:55,241 Guillermo, you spend 59 00:02:55,242 --> 00:02:58,044 a lot of your life being very miserable and sad. 60 00:02:58,045 --> 00:03:00,080 Do you have any ideas? 61 00:03:00,081 --> 00:03:03,116 - Okay. - Is it all right if I pitch an idea? 62 00:03:03,117 --> 00:03:06,953 What about if we threw Laszlo a roast? 63 00:03:06,954 --> 00:03:10,390 Right? Where we all give funny speeches about Laszlo, 64 00:03:10,391 --> 00:03:12,058 kind of tease him a little bit, 65 00:03:12,059 --> 00:03:14,327 and it just makes him so happy for some reason? 66 00:03:15,930 --> 00:03:18,398 - Hold on! I've got one. - Yes? 67 00:03:18,399 --> 00:03:19,466 Nope. Lost it. 68 00:03:19,467 --> 00:03:20,767 What if... 69 00:03:20,768 --> 00:03:22,135 Hear me out on this... 70 00:03:22,136 --> 00:03:25,505 What if we threw Laszlo a roast? 71 00:03:25,506 --> 00:03:26,740 Love that idea! 72 00:03:26,741 --> 00:03:29,175 Now, this is an idea I like! 73 00:03:29,176 --> 00:03:31,978 - I just said that. - How did you think of that? 74 00:03:31,979 --> 00:03:34,179 - I said it so loud. - Well done, Colin. 75 00:03:35,015 --> 00:03:38,051 No peeking, cheeky. 76 00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:41,955 Surprise! 77 00:03:47,394 --> 00:03:50,930 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the official roast 78 00:03:50,931 --> 00:03:54,167 of Leslie "Laszlo" Cravensworth! 79 00:03:56,404 --> 00:04:00,507 Yes, Laszlo, this night is for you. 80 00:04:00,508 --> 00:04:02,409 Just look at this crowd! 81 00:04:02,410 --> 00:04:05,245 We gathered all 82 00:04:05,246 --> 00:04:09,249 the people that love you into this one room. 83 00:04:09,250 --> 00:04:11,184 And then when we saw all the empty chairs, 84 00:04:11,185 --> 00:04:14,087 we decided to drag some randos in off the street to fill them! 85 00:04:16,791 --> 00:04:20,961 So many illustrious guests here on the dais tonight. 86 00:04:20,962 --> 00:04:23,029 And also Colin Robinson. 87 00:04:24,865 --> 00:04:27,267 He got me. I got got. 88 00:04:27,268 --> 00:04:30,036 Our neighbor Sean is here. 89 00:04:30,037 --> 00:04:32,872 Hey-yo! - Don't worry. we hypnotized him 90 00:04:32,873 --> 00:04:35,809 so he's not gonna remember anything tomorrow. 91 00:04:35,810 --> 00:04:38,178 - Seanie. - Seanie. 92 00:04:38,179 --> 00:04:42,282 I see the great Baron Afanas is here this evening, 93 00:04:42,283 --> 00:04:46,920 restored to his original splendor, thank goodness. 94 00:04:46,921 --> 00:04:49,856 For a couple of years, the baron looked a lot like 95 00:04:49,857 --> 00:04:53,193 if George Hamilton had had sex with some pork rinds. 96 00:04:55,196 --> 00:04:58,298 I see that The Guide is also here. 97 00:05:01,568 --> 00:05:05,005 So, everyone, please join me 98 00:05:05,006 --> 00:05:07,073 in saluting the man of the hour, 99 00:05:07,074 --> 00:05:10,010 the one, the only Laszlo Cravensworth. 100 00:05:11,412 --> 00:05:13,747 We've known each other so many, many years, 101 00:05:13,748 --> 00:05:15,215 you know. 102 00:05:15,216 --> 00:05:17,851 We can practically finish each other's hand jobs. 103 00:05:17,852 --> 00:05:19,452 Yes, yes, very good. Thank you. 104 00:05:19,453 --> 00:05:21,154 We are just getting started. It is your roast. 105 00:05:21,155 --> 00:05:23,156 A one, a two, a one, two, three, four. 106 00:05:23,157 --> 00:05:24,991 It's Laszlo's roast. 107 00:05:24,992 --> 00:05:27,260 - It is his... - Roast. 108 00:05:27,261 --> 00:05:29,162 - It's Laszlo's... - Roast! 109 00:05:29,163 --> 00:05:30,864 We'll be back right after this. 110 00:05:36,103 --> 00:05:37,804 If you think the missionary position involves 111 00:05:37,805 --> 00:05:39,072 lying on top of a missionary, 112 00:05:39,073 --> 00:05:42,242 you might be a Laszlo Cravensworth! 113 00:05:42,243 --> 00:05:44,778 If the first thing 114 00:05:44,779 --> 00:05:47,447 you look for in a woman is your dick, 115 00:05:47,448 --> 00:05:49,182 you might just be... 116 00:05:49,183 --> 00:05:51,785 a Laszlo Cravensworth! 117 00:05:51,786 --> 00:05:53,520 Hey! 118 00:05:53,521 --> 00:05:56,256 If you think ejaculating onto the pillow counts 119 00:05:56,257 --> 00:06:00,093 as "cooking your wife dinner," you might just be... 120 00:06:00,094 --> 00:06:02,395 A Laszlo Cravensworth. 121 00:06:04,465 --> 00:06:06,767 Women can be funny. 122 00:06:08,502 --> 00:06:09,970 Ooh. 123 00:06:09,971 --> 00:06:12,238 Some describe Laszlo 124 00:06:12,239 --> 00:06:15,041 as a man of arts and letters. 125 00:06:16,844 --> 00:06:19,846 I can think of a couple of letters to describe Laszlo. 126 00:06:19,847 --> 00:06:22,883 "F" and "W." 127 00:06:23,951 --> 00:06:28,321 No, not "W." "U." 128 00:06:28,322 --> 00:06:30,857 Sorry. It was supposed to be "F" and... 129 00:06:30,858 --> 00:06:32,926 I think I'm just going 130 00:06:32,927 --> 00:06:34,928 to tell a story. 131 00:06:34,929 --> 00:06:38,064 A story called "The Aristocrats." 132 00:06:38,065 --> 00:06:41,801 Shit. I wasn't supposed to say the name till the end. 133 00:06:41,802 --> 00:06:43,470 Forget I said the name of it. 134 00:06:43,471 --> 00:06:46,773 Um, anyway, a father, a mother, a son 135 00:06:46,774 --> 00:06:50,977 and a daughter walk into a talent agent's office. 136 00:06:50,978 --> 00:06:52,912 And the... the father says, 137 00:06:52,913 --> 00:06:55,482 "Boy, have I got an act for you!" 138 00:06:55,483 --> 00:07:00,220 And the talent agent says, "Well, let's see it then." 139 00:07:00,221 --> 00:07:02,922 And-and there's a... a dog. 140 00:07:02,923 --> 00:07:05,859 The family dog. That's important to note. 141 00:07:07,995 --> 00:07:11,464 Up next, we have a man 142 00:07:11,465 --> 00:07:16,469 who knows more about roasting than his beloved Arby's. 143 00:07:18,306 --> 00:07:21,441 When this guy starts roasting a vampire, 144 00:07:21,442 --> 00:07:24,844 you better bring a bun, and also some ketchup. 145 00:07:24,845 --> 00:07:27,447 I don't get it. 146 00:07:27,448 --> 00:07:30,850 I did whisper to the baron that 147 00:07:30,851 --> 00:07:33,053 it was Guillermo who opened the door 148 00:07:33,054 --> 00:07:36,356 that let the sun come in to burn his body into bits, you know, 149 00:07:36,357 --> 00:07:38,058 a few years ago because 150 00:07:38,059 --> 00:07:39,993 he didn't know what the joke was. 151 00:07:39,994 --> 00:07:42,462 And I was trying to help him, 'cause being left out of a joke, 152 00:07:42,463 --> 00:07:43,997 it sucks. 153 00:07:43,998 --> 00:07:45,932 So give it up for an expert 154 00:07:45,933 --> 00:07:47,867 on raking 'em over the coals, 155 00:07:47,868 --> 00:07:49,169 or should I say the foyer rug... 156 00:07:49,170 --> 00:07:50,503 Okay, okay. Thank you. 157 00:07:50,504 --> 00:07:52,072 And then I did also mention 158 00:07:52,073 --> 00:07:53,974 that Guillermo had Van Helsing lineage. 159 00:07:53,975 --> 00:07:56,209 That one just slipped out. 160 00:07:56,210 --> 00:08:00,447 So, we are all here tonight to honor Laszlo Cravensworth. 161 00:08:00,448 --> 00:08:03,450 Cravensworth? I'm more like, 162 00:08:03,451 --> 00:08:05,919 Cravensworth-less. 163 00:08:07,455 --> 00:08:09,990 Might I say a word or two? 164 00:08:09,991 --> 00:08:12,192 Yes, absolutely, Baron. Please vacate 165 00:08:12,193 --> 00:08:14,928 the microphone for the baron. Please welcome a man 166 00:08:14,929 --> 00:08:18,932 who knows quite a lot about... sick burns. 167 00:08:22,069 --> 00:08:23,970 Baron Afanas. 168 00:08:28,542 --> 00:08:31,378 Look at this festive assembly. 169 00:08:31,379 --> 00:08:33,780 All of us, gathered here together, 170 00:08:33,781 --> 00:08:36,349 chuckling at jokes and silliness. 171 00:08:36,350 --> 00:08:38,918 And jackanapery. 172 00:08:40,321 --> 00:08:42,989 I guess there's only one thing left to say. 173 00:08:42,990 --> 00:08:45,959 What is this shit? 174 00:08:47,528 --> 00:08:49,095 Very good. 175 00:08:49,096 --> 00:08:51,464 You call yourselves vampires? 176 00:08:51,465 --> 00:08:55,001 Bah. This entire evening has been nothing but 177 00:08:55,002 --> 00:08:57,437 a pageant of insipid nonsense. 178 00:08:57,438 --> 00:08:59,306 Yes. 179 00:08:59,307 --> 00:09:02,842 Worshipping at the altar of your own mediocre frivolity. 180 00:09:02,843 --> 00:09:05,312 A jester's hollow dance. 181 00:09:05,313 --> 00:09:06,813 And who is laughing? 182 00:09:06,814 --> 00:09:08,315 Yeah! 183 00:09:10,518 --> 00:09:12,218 Vampires are supposed to have 184 00:09:12,219 --> 00:09:15,956 blood orgies and slaughter circles. 185 00:09:15,957 --> 00:09:18,191 You have all gone soft. 186 00:09:18,192 --> 00:09:21,461 You even invited humans to this asinine affair. 187 00:09:21,462 --> 00:09:22,929 All right, you know what? Sean is cool. 188 00:09:22,930 --> 00:09:24,197 He's a good time. I take that one back. 189 00:09:24,198 --> 00:09:26,466 But everything else is an embarrassment 190 00:09:26,467 --> 00:09:28,869 to the very word "vampire." 191 00:09:29,937 --> 00:09:31,371 Baron, we just were 192 00:09:31,372 --> 00:09:33,807 trying to, you know, cheer up Laszlo a bit. 193 00:09:33,808 --> 00:09:36,076 He just hasn't been himself lately. 194 00:09:36,077 --> 00:09:39,346 Vampires do not need cheering up! 195 00:09:39,347 --> 00:09:42,248 We vampires 196 00:09:42,249 --> 00:09:44,451 are not cheerful creatures. 197 00:09:44,452 --> 00:09:47,821 We sit, and we brood, for centuries on end, 198 00:09:47,822 --> 00:09:51,458 plotting the demise of our foes and innocent bystanders alike! 199 00:09:51,459 --> 00:09:54,327 Okay, I guess we didn't really see it like that... 200 00:09:54,328 --> 00:09:56,796 And the worst part? 201 00:09:56,797 --> 00:09:59,332 I find out only tonight 202 00:09:59,333 --> 00:10:01,101 that you have all been keeping 203 00:10:01,102 --> 00:10:04,337 secrets around here, have you not? 204 00:10:04,338 --> 00:10:09,476 For years, I now know that you have been harboring 205 00:10:09,477 --> 00:10:13,246 a vampire killer... 206 00:10:13,247 --> 00:10:15,949 right here under your own roof... 207 00:10:17,451 --> 00:10:21,087 who, in fact, tried to kill me. 208 00:10:21,088 --> 00:10:22,956 - - What? - What vampire... 209 00:10:22,957 --> 00:10:24,924 Do not insult my intelligence! 210 00:10:24,925 --> 00:10:28,762 So, vampire killer. 211 00:10:31,231 --> 00:10:34,801 Do you have anything to say for yourself? 212 00:10:34,802 --> 00:10:36,169 Well, I... 213 00:10:36,170 --> 00:10:38,438 It doesn't matter what you have to say! Seize him! 214 00:10:38,439 --> 00:10:40,507 Run! 215 00:10:51,285 --> 00:10:53,787 Baron, show him mercy! 216 00:10:53,788 --> 00:10:56,323 Let us give you the very simple explanation! 217 00:11:04,999 --> 00:11:06,800 - Guillermo. - Guillermo. 218 00:11:06,801 --> 00:11:08,201 Are-are you o... 219 00:11:08,769 --> 00:11:10,971 - Behind you. - What? 220 00:11:14,508 --> 00:11:16,376 - Ooh. - Laszlo? 221 00:11:16,377 --> 00:11:19,512 - Laszlo! - Yes, yes, very good. Thank you. 222 00:11:33,260 --> 00:11:35,195 Baron, stop! 223 00:11:35,196 --> 00:11:37,931 - It was just a mix-em-up! - A whoopsie-daisy! 224 00:11:37,932 --> 00:11:39,532 Stay out of this! 225 00:11:56,450 --> 00:11:58,251 - Don't film this. - Okay. 226 00:11:58,252 --> 00:12:00,186 - Hey, guys. - Not now! 227 00:12:00,187 --> 00:12:01,988 I just wanted to take a quick moment 228 00:12:01,989 --> 00:12:03,990 to apologize for telling the baron 229 00:12:03,991 --> 00:12:06,059 that it was Guillermo who burned him to a crisp. 230 00:12:06,060 --> 00:12:07,827 - Not now. - That's on me. 231 00:12:07,828 --> 00:12:10,030 - Are you done? - Sorry. 232 00:12:10,798 --> 00:12:12,966 You know what, Nandor? I think let's just sit this one out. 233 00:12:12,967 --> 00:12:14,801 Let them two sort it out between themselves. 234 00:12:18,439 --> 00:12:21,808 You are forgetting that Guillermo is a vampire killer. 235 00:12:21,809 --> 00:12:23,443 Which means he could kill the baron. 236 00:12:23,444 --> 00:12:25,912 We are direct descendants of the baron's vampiric line, 237 00:12:25,913 --> 00:12:27,480 which means we would all die. 238 00:12:27,481 --> 00:12:29,916 Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing 239 00:12:29,917 --> 00:12:31,184 - if we ended up dying? - Wh... Are you okay? 240 00:12:31,185 --> 00:12:32,786 Yeah. 241 00:12:32,787 --> 00:12:34,788 I've just been going through a lot lately. 242 00:12:34,789 --> 00:12:36,823 So... Fine. 243 00:12:36,824 --> 00:12:39,760 If we want to live, then yes, I do have a plan. 244 00:12:44,999 --> 00:12:46,933 Guillermo? 245 00:12:46,934 --> 00:12:48,468 Nadja, anything? 246 00:12:48,469 --> 00:12:49,970 No! 247 00:12:49,971 --> 00:12:51,771 No sign of Gizmo or the baron. 248 00:12:51,772 --> 00:12:53,306 Wait. Hang on. Hey! 249 00:12:53,307 --> 00:12:55,475 Come here, you little shit! 250 00:12:55,476 --> 00:12:56,843 Shit. 251 00:12:56,844 --> 00:12:58,111 - What? - I got him! 252 00:12:58,112 --> 00:12:59,179 Meet me out front! 253 00:12:59,180 --> 00:13:02,816 She's got him! I'm coming! 254 00:13:04,351 --> 00:13:07,454 - You got Guillermo? - No. The baron. 255 00:13:07,455 --> 00:13:09,522 Are you telling me Baron Afanas cannot fight 256 00:13:09,523 --> 00:13:11,191 his way out of a burlap sack? 257 00:13:11,192 --> 00:13:12,492 I think he's injured. 258 00:13:12,493 --> 00:13:14,461 We had quite the scuffle in there. 259 00:13:14,462 --> 00:13:16,062 How badly is he hurt? 260 00:13:16,063 --> 00:13:17,464 - There you are. - Because if he dies... 261 00:13:17,465 --> 00:13:18,865 - Yes, we know. - Shut up, Guillermo. 262 00:13:18,866 --> 00:13:20,800 Guillermo, help me. 263 00:13:20,801 --> 00:13:24,371 These two imbeciles, they are trying to kill me. 264 00:13:24,372 --> 00:13:26,906 You know, if you help the baron, he might forgive you. 265 00:13:26,907 --> 00:13:30,944 Yeah. Okay, Baron. I want to help you. 266 00:13:30,945 --> 00:13:33,213 - But you have to promise not to hurt me. - Yes. 267 00:13:33,214 --> 00:13:35,048 - I promise. Please. - Okay, then. 268 00:13:35,049 --> 00:13:36,516 Let's just get you out of here. You're gonna be safe. 269 00:13:36,517 --> 00:13:38,518 And... - 270 00:13:38,519 --> 00:13:41,087 All right, dudes. 271 00:13:41,088 --> 00:13:42,088 Now what? 272 00:13:42,089 --> 00:13:43,923 Yoo-hoo? 273 00:13:43,924 --> 00:13:45,325 Baron? 274 00:13:45,326 --> 00:13:47,527 We've got the little motherfucker, Baron! 275 00:13:50,297 --> 00:13:51,398 Nicely done. 276 00:13:51,399 --> 00:13:53,266 And now? Leave him to me. 277 00:13:53,267 --> 00:13:55,835 Baron, we ask that you show Guillermo mercy. 278 00:13:55,836 --> 00:13:57,938 No! 279 00:14:02,476 --> 00:14:04,077 What is the meaning of this? 280 00:14:05,212 --> 00:14:06,947 - Sorry. - Terribly. 281 00:14:08,783 --> 00:14:11,117 So, to review again, Baron... 282 00:14:11,118 --> 00:14:13,119 You agree that 283 00:14:13,120 --> 00:14:15,221 when Guillermo opened the door 284 00:14:15,222 --> 00:14:17,190 and fried you by the sun, 285 00:14:17,191 --> 00:14:20,193 he did not know that you were inside at the time? 286 00:14:20,194 --> 00:14:21,928 I do. 287 00:14:21,929 --> 00:14:23,363 Great. And, Guillermo, 288 00:14:23,364 --> 00:14:25,999 you accept, even though it was an accident, 289 00:14:26,000 --> 00:14:29,436 that the baron has every right to be very mad 290 00:14:29,437 --> 00:14:32,205 at the fact that he got fried by the sun? 291 00:14:32,206 --> 00:14:33,840 I-I do. 292 00:14:33,841 --> 00:14:36,176 I will accept your apology if you will accept 293 00:14:36,177 --> 00:14:38,778 - the fact that I'm still going to kill you. - What? 294 00:14:38,779 --> 00:14:41,114 - No. No. - Guillermo, he is trying to meet you in the middle here. 295 00:14:41,115 --> 00:14:44,217 - Come on. - It's like he doesn't even want this to be resolved. 296 00:14:44,218 --> 00:14:46,186 By my killing him. 297 00:14:46,187 --> 00:14:47,854 No, I do want this to be resolved, but... 298 00:14:47,855 --> 00:14:49,456 Okay, you know what? Let's take a hard five. 299 00:14:49,457 --> 00:14:52,893 Guillermo, I will take a carafe of your finest blood. 300 00:14:54,094 --> 00:14:57,097 Yes. Okay. I will fetch. 301 00:14:58,098 --> 00:14:59,199 Baron Afanas? 302 00:14:59,200 --> 00:15:01,234 Yes, snake? 303 00:15:02,870 --> 00:15:05,805 I can't help my vampire hunter lineage, 304 00:15:05,806 --> 00:15:08,375 but I want you to know that I have renounced it. 305 00:15:08,376 --> 00:15:11,177 And how did you do this? 306 00:15:11,178 --> 00:15:14,180 Guillermo? This is dangerous territory. 307 00:15:14,181 --> 00:15:16,182 I... 308 00:15:16,183 --> 00:15:18,085 got turned into a vampire. 309 00:15:19,086 --> 00:15:20,320 You... 310 00:15:21,355 --> 00:15:23,790 are a vampire? 311 00:15:23,791 --> 00:15:27,761 Guillermo is a vampire? Did everybody else know this? 312 00:15:29,096 --> 00:15:31,464 Delicious. 313 00:15:33,534 --> 00:15:37,904 Such a flamboyant, perverse betrayal of your own kind. 314 00:15:37,905 --> 00:15:40,240 I like it a lot. 315 00:15:40,241 --> 00:15:41,808 And kudos to Nandor. 316 00:15:41,809 --> 00:15:44,344 To turn a Van Helsing, 317 00:15:44,345 --> 00:15:47,080 a vampire killer, into a vampire? 318 00:15:47,081 --> 00:15:49,049 That is a big get. 319 00:15:49,050 --> 00:15:50,817 I must congratulate him when he returns. 320 00:15:50,818 --> 00:15:51,851 Well, see, that's the thing. 321 00:15:51,852 --> 00:15:54,354 It wasn't Nandor that turned me. 322 00:15:54,355 --> 00:15:55,855 What? 323 00:15:55,856 --> 00:15:58,191 It was that vampire named Derek. 324 00:15:58,192 --> 00:16:00,060 How could you do such a thing? 325 00:16:00,061 --> 00:16:01,328 I've just been waiting for this a long time, 326 00:16:01,329 --> 00:16:03,830 and yeah, it's still a bit sticky, but... 327 00:16:03,831 --> 00:16:05,532 "sticky"? 328 00:16:05,533 --> 00:16:09,002 I think it is a bit more than just "sticky." 329 00:16:10,337 --> 00:16:13,173 It is a devastation. A violation. 330 00:16:13,174 --> 00:16:15,075 A humiliation! 331 00:16:15,076 --> 00:16:18,044 A shame from which neither you nor Nandor shall ever recover. 332 00:16:18,045 --> 00:16:20,080 I know, I know, and that's exactly why I haven't told him. 333 00:16:20,081 --> 00:16:22,315 And I would appreciate it if none of you 334 00:16:22,316 --> 00:16:23,917 tell him, either. 335 00:16:23,918 --> 00:16:25,952 You know me, I'm-I'm like a vault... 336 00:16:25,953 --> 00:16:27,387 with stuff. 337 00:16:27,388 --> 00:16:30,824 Yeah, and I'm not gonna tell anyone anything. 338 00:16:30,825 --> 00:16:33,126 In fact, I'd very much like 339 00:16:33,127 --> 00:16:36,830 to be excluded from this narrative. 340 00:16:36,831 --> 00:16:39,332 Me, too. I should go. 341 00:16:39,333 --> 00:16:40,967 Guillermo, you and I? We are good. 342 00:16:40,968 --> 00:16:42,802 You all have much graver matters 343 00:16:42,803 --> 00:16:44,471 to discuss here, 344 00:16:44,472 --> 00:16:47,774 and I want no part of what might transpire if... 345 00:16:47,775 --> 00:16:51,311 Here we go! Blood for the vampires. 346 00:16:51,312 --> 00:16:52,445 Baron. 347 00:16:52,446 --> 00:16:55,448 And a flat Pepsi for Guillermo. 348 00:16:55,449 --> 00:16:58,051 - Thank you. - So, what did I miss? 349 00:16:59,120 --> 00:17:01,321 Guillermo and I have 350 00:17:01,322 --> 00:17:03,923 called a truce. 351 00:17:03,924 --> 00:17:06,926 A truce? So, you are not killing him, then? 352 00:17:06,927 --> 00:17:09,529 Well, I will not be the one 353 00:17:09,530 --> 00:17:12,132 to take this familiar's life tonight. 354 00:17:12,133 --> 00:17:13,466 That's great. 355 00:17:13,467 --> 00:17:14,934 Good to hear. 356 00:17:14,935 --> 00:17:17,037 So good, in fact, I propose a toast. 357 00:17:17,038 --> 00:17:19,306 To the baron, to Guillermo, 358 00:17:19,307 --> 00:17:21,441 to the work we have achieved tonight. 359 00:17:21,442 --> 00:17:22,743 Cheers! 360 00:17:26,814 --> 00:17:27,814 - That's sweet. - May I? 361 00:17:30,851 --> 00:17:34,454 If I could have a moment alone with Guillermo? 362 00:17:36,223 --> 00:17:38,191 Alone. 363 00:17:38,192 --> 00:17:39,793 Yeah, no, please. 364 00:17:39,794 --> 00:17:41,328 - Thank you, Nandor. - Yes, thank you, Baron. 365 00:17:41,329 --> 00:17:43,263 Thank you. 366 00:17:44,966 --> 00:17:49,036 Guillermo, vampire to vampire... 367 00:17:50,070 --> 00:17:51,938 A secret like this, 368 00:17:51,939 --> 00:17:54,474 it will not stay hidden forever. 369 00:17:54,475 --> 00:17:57,978 It is best that Nandor hears it from you. 370 00:17:57,979 --> 00:17:59,913 I know. 371 00:17:59,914 --> 00:18:01,915 But... 372 00:18:01,916 --> 00:18:03,984 what do you think he'll do? 373 00:18:03,985 --> 00:18:05,952 Probably kill you. 374 00:18:05,953 --> 00:18:07,821 Then himself. 375 00:18:07,822 --> 00:18:09,322 That is what I would do. 376 00:18:09,323 --> 00:18:12,325 Right. 377 00:18:12,326 --> 00:18:14,961 You know, it's funny, I did all this because 378 00:18:14,962 --> 00:18:17,964 I want to be a vampire, a great vampire. 379 00:18:17,965 --> 00:18:20,934 Like Nandor, like you. 380 00:18:20,935 --> 00:18:23,470 Your heart is in the right place, my boy. 381 00:18:23,471 --> 00:18:26,439 And please know that I am rooting for you? 382 00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:29,476 - To not get killed. - Thank you. 383 00:18:29,477 --> 00:18:32,445 - But... these things happen. - Well, I hope not. 384 00:18:32,446 --> 00:18:34,914 Can't afford another accident on my watch. 385 00:18:34,915 --> 00:18:37,183 No! No! 386 00:18:37,184 --> 00:18:39,319 - Guillermo, no! No, no! - No! 387 00:18:48,095 --> 00:18:49,963 Well, things were almost okay. 388 00:18:49,964 --> 00:18:53,166 But now, not so much. 389 00:18:53,167 --> 00:18:56,102 As soon as the sun sets and the baron is awoken, 390 00:18:56,103 --> 00:18:58,171 he is going to track Guillermo down until he is 391 00:18:58,172 --> 00:18:59,940 very much, well... 392 00:18:59,941 --> 00:19:01,808 - Dead. - Shut up. 393 00:19:01,809 --> 00:19:04,077 I'm sure he will be safe. 394 00:19:04,078 --> 00:19:05,845 And dead. 395 00:19:05,846 --> 00:19:08,949 Sunset approaches. 396 00:19:08,950 --> 00:19:12,452 Is it me, or does he look like a shriveled-up nutsack? 397 00:19:12,453 --> 00:19:16,957 - Laszlo? Any ideas? - Yes, yes, very good. Thank you. 398 00:19:23,230 --> 00:19:25,131 Good evening. 399 00:19:25,132 --> 00:19:26,800 - Baron, listen. Guillermo is... - Where was I? 400 00:19:26,801 --> 00:19:29,502 Yes. About to kill Guillermo, yes. 401 00:19:29,503 --> 00:19:32,005 Baron, I... I beg mercy. 402 00:19:32,006 --> 00:19:34,908 I know that Guillermo has made some mistakes. 403 00:19:34,909 --> 00:19:36,343 He nearly killed you twice. 404 00:19:36,344 --> 00:19:39,179 And he's even massacred 405 00:19:39,180 --> 00:19:41,214 an entire theater of vampires. 406 00:19:41,215 --> 00:19:42,782 Wait, what? 407 00:19:42,783 --> 00:19:45,218 But he did so to defend his master. 408 00:19:45,219 --> 00:19:47,487 Whatever Guillermo's flaws may be, 409 00:19:47,488 --> 00:19:50,056 he has always been loyal to me. 410 00:19:50,057 --> 00:19:52,225 - Has he? - Yes, Baron. 411 00:19:53,961 --> 00:19:55,528 Has he, though? 412 00:19:55,529 --> 00:19:57,464 Yes, Baron, he has. 413 00:19:57,465 --> 00:19:58,932 You are certain of... 414 00:19:58,933 --> 00:20:00,900 Yes! I-I am. 415 00:20:00,901 --> 00:20:03,503 Well, I would just say it is complicated, 416 00:20:03,504 --> 00:20:06,339 but we can discuss this further after I kill him, yes? 417 00:20:06,340 --> 00:20:09,409 Now, where would he run? 418 00:20:10,745 --> 00:20:13,146 I will need Guillermo's scent. 419 00:20:13,147 --> 00:20:14,748 I say, Baron, 420 00:20:14,749 --> 00:20:16,116 if you're looking for Gizmo, he's not here. 421 00:20:16,117 --> 00:20:17,917 You'll find him in the toolshed. 422 00:20:17,918 --> 00:20:19,453 That's where he goes to hide and wank. 423 00:20:21,055 --> 00:20:22,255 Thank you. 424 00:20:22,256 --> 00:20:24,791 Why would you say that? 425 00:20:24,792 --> 00:20:26,493 Well, why delay the inevitable? 426 00:20:26,494 --> 00:20:29,296 Plus, I was sick of hearing you lot waffle on. 427 00:20:29,297 --> 00:20:31,365 If you'll excuse me... 428 00:20:37,872 --> 00:20:39,273 Guillermo! 429 00:20:40,808 --> 00:20:44,110 Well, at least he died doing what he loved: 430 00:20:44,111 --> 00:20:46,112 beating off in the toolshed. 431 00:20:48,983 --> 00:20:51,918 No. 432 00:20:53,921 --> 00:20:57,490 Okay, now I'm starting to feel a little bad. 433 00:20:57,491 --> 00:21:00,827 But on the bright side, he-he was just a familiar. 434 00:21:00,828 --> 00:21:03,163 He was not just a familiar. 435 00:21:03,164 --> 00:21:05,098 He was my bodyguard. 436 00:21:05,099 --> 00:21:07,500 He was the best man at my wedding. 437 00:21:07,501 --> 00:21:09,069 He was my friend. 438 00:21:09,070 --> 00:21:11,371 Okay, yes, yes. It is all very sad. 439 00:21:11,372 --> 00:21:12,906 But I think we should now get him in the ground 440 00:21:12,907 --> 00:21:14,407 before he starts to stink. 441 00:21:14,408 --> 00:21:18,178 Laszlo, can you come and help carry this, please? 442 00:21:19,346 --> 00:21:21,748 - That's not Gizmo. - What do you mean it's not Gizmo? 443 00:21:21,749 --> 00:21:23,016 What I mean is... 444 00:21:24,018 --> 00:21:25,251 it's not Gizmo. 445 00:21:25,252 --> 00:21:27,220 - What are you doing? - Stand aside. 446 00:21:27,221 --> 00:21:28,822 Laszlo, what are you doing? 447 00:21:28,823 --> 00:21:30,290 Laszlo, I do not think we need to eat him. 448 00:21:30,291 --> 00:21:31,825 - - Ooh, yeesh! - Stop that! 449 00:21:31,826 --> 00:21:33,326 Stop that! 450 00:21:35,396 --> 00:21:36,863 Eesh. 451 00:21:38,199 --> 00:21:39,499 Does Gizmo have gills? 452 00:21:39,500 --> 00:21:41,067 - You mean lungs? - I mean gills. 453 00:21:41,068 --> 00:21:42,836 So he can breathe underwater. 454 00:21:42,837 --> 00:21:44,404 And does he have an amphibious egg sac? 455 00:21:44,405 --> 00:21:47,374 - Maybe? - He never said. I never asked. 456 00:21:47,375 --> 00:21:49,376 He wore a lot of layers. 457 00:21:49,377 --> 00:21:51,444 It was hard to see what was going on under all that. 458 00:21:51,445 --> 00:21:53,947 Why do his eyes look like that? 459 00:21:53,948 --> 00:21:55,315 It's not Gizmo. It's a byproduct of 460 00:21:55,316 --> 00:21:58,351 my scientific experimentation gone awry. 461 00:21:58,352 --> 00:22:00,787 So, where is the real Guillermo, then? 462 00:22:00,788 --> 00:22:02,422 Fucked if I know. Excuse me, my darling. 463 00:22:02,423 --> 00:22:05,025 You know what? 464 00:22:05,026 --> 00:22:07,460 I will let him go. 465 00:22:07,461 --> 00:22:09,529 After all of that? 466 00:22:09,530 --> 00:22:12,198 I was going on and on about all of you 467 00:22:12,199 --> 00:22:14,167 and how you've gone soft. 468 00:22:14,168 --> 00:22:16,003 Deep down... 469 00:22:17,404 --> 00:22:20,006 it is I who have gone soft. 470 00:22:20,007 --> 00:22:21,741 - What? - No. 471 00:22:21,742 --> 00:22:24,878 - Ridiculous. - Let us be candid here. 472 00:22:24,879 --> 00:22:28,214 I live in the suburbs of New Jersey. 473 00:22:28,215 --> 00:22:30,984 In a two-bedroom craftsman 474 00:22:30,985 --> 00:22:33,086 with a breakfast nook. 475 00:22:34,455 --> 00:22:35,855 - Hello. - None of my neighbors 476 00:22:35,856 --> 00:22:38,058 live in fear of me. 477 00:22:38,059 --> 00:22:39,793 I have a dog. 478 00:22:39,794 --> 00:22:42,062 A hellhound, but I get it. 479 00:22:42,063 --> 00:22:43,463 Good boy. 480 00:22:46,367 --> 00:22:48,868 But what about the Sire? 481 00:22:48,869 --> 00:22:52,172 Two ancient legendary vampires. 482 00:22:52,173 --> 00:22:56,009 At this point, we are more like roommates 483 00:22:56,010 --> 00:22:59,012 than roommates who viciously murder humans 484 00:22:59,013 --> 00:23:00,914 together, you know? 485 00:23:00,915 --> 00:23:04,751 It can be lonely, this American dream. 486 00:23:06,087 --> 00:23:07,854 What the fuck is that? 487 00:23:07,855 --> 00:23:09,522 - Laszlo! - What is it now? 488 00:23:09,523 --> 00:23:11,458 Well, that one's clearly pregnant. 489 00:23:17,164 --> 00:23:20,867 It's hard to believe I'll never see Guillermo again. 490 00:23:20,868 --> 00:23:23,270 I hope he is okay out there. 491 00:23:25,940 --> 00:23:28,441 Pretty sure I told him to dust in here. 492 00:23:28,442 --> 00:23:31,178 Fly like the wind, my little friend. 493 00:23:35,949 --> 00:23:38,184 Guillermo! You're here. 494 00:23:38,185 --> 00:23:39,486 I just figured this would be 495 00:23:39,487 --> 00:23:41,121 the last place the Baron would look. 496 00:23:41,122 --> 00:23:42,822 - Is he still looking? - No, no. But hang on. 497 00:23:42,823 --> 00:23:45,292 We've had one mix-up already today. 498 00:23:45,293 --> 00:23:47,927 How do I know you are the real Guillermo? 499 00:23:47,928 --> 00:23:49,229 Master, it's me. 500 00:23:49,230 --> 00:23:51,364 What is Guillermo's last name? 501 00:23:51,365 --> 00:23:53,066 De La Cruz. 502 00:23:53,067 --> 00:23:54,768 But I doubt I'm the only one who would know that. 503 00:23:54,769 --> 00:23:57,504 You'd be surprised, but fine. It's a gimme. 504 00:23:57,505 --> 00:24:01,875 How does Guillermo do my hair on formal occasions? 505 00:24:01,876 --> 00:24:05,111 - Half up, half down. - Also known as...? 506 00:24:05,112 --> 00:24:07,380 Half down, half up? 507 00:24:07,381 --> 00:24:08,748 So close. 508 00:24:08,749 --> 00:24:11,084 I was looking for "Saratoga split." 509 00:24:11,085 --> 00:24:13,219 The Saratoga Split. 510 00:24:13,220 --> 00:24:15,121 - I should have known that one. - Last one. 511 00:24:15,122 --> 00:24:17,991 The first day that Guillermo became my familiar, 512 00:24:17,992 --> 00:24:19,326 he gave me a card. 513 00:24:19,894 --> 00:24:22,095 What did that card say? 514 00:24:22,096 --> 00:24:23,830 It said... 515 00:24:25,232 --> 00:24:29,336 "To be a vampire is my dream. 516 00:24:29,337 --> 00:24:31,171 "But to be your familiar 517 00:24:31,172 --> 00:24:32,873 "will be my honor. 518 00:24:34,341 --> 00:24:37,277 Thank you for this opportunity." 519 00:24:37,278 --> 00:24:38,812 Close enough. 520 00:24:38,813 --> 00:24:41,915 Okay, you're the real Guillermo. Excuse me. 521 00:24:41,916 --> 00:24:43,416 I can't believe you remember that. 522 00:24:43,417 --> 00:24:45,485 We have a long history, Guillermo. 523 00:24:45,486 --> 00:24:49,323 I imagine that I know you better than almost anyone. 524 00:24:51,325 --> 00:24:54,527 Enough to know when you have been keeping a little secret... 525 00:24:54,528 --> 00:24:57,431 From me? 526 00:24:59,533 --> 00:25:02,102 Is there something you'd like to tell me? 527 00:25:03,971 --> 00:25:05,972 I... I d... 528 00:25:05,973 --> 00:25:09,476 You made a fart in my coffin, didn't you? 529 00:25:09,477 --> 00:25:11,211 I made a fart in your coffin. 530 00:25:11,212 --> 00:25:15,448 See? I know you better than anyone. Boop. 531 00:25:15,449 --> 00:25:19,052 So it seems that everything worked out? 532 00:25:19,053 --> 00:25:20,453 Kind of? 533 00:25:20,454 --> 00:25:21,955 To be honest, I can't really keep track of 534 00:25:21,956 --> 00:25:24,124 whatever the fuck is going on around here. 535 00:25:24,125 --> 00:25:26,326 But I did find a new home for 536 00:25:26,327 --> 00:25:27,994 these disgusting little Guillermo toads, 537 00:25:27,995 --> 00:25:29,462 so there's that. 538 00:25:29,463 --> 00:25:31,264 As you can see, I came home from Staten Island 539 00:25:31,265 --> 00:25:33,933 with a bit more than just a charred-up body. 540 00:25:33,934 --> 00:25:35,835 Vampire says, "Freeze." 541 00:25:35,836 --> 00:25:38,038 This charming litter of mutants. 542 00:25:38,039 --> 00:25:39,205 Show your fangs. 543 00:25:40,274 --> 00:25:42,509 I did not say, "Vampire says!" 544 00:25:42,510 --> 00:25:44,044 It's given the Sire and me 545 00:25:44,045 --> 00:25:45,912 so much that we can do together. 546 00:25:47,114 --> 00:25:48,748 And thanks to Guillermo, 547 00:25:48,749 --> 00:25:50,417 for the first time in a long time... 548 00:25:50,418 --> 00:25:52,152 Hello. 549 00:25:53,387 --> 00:25:55,422 I am terrifying again. 550 00:25:57,224 --> 00:25:59,759 I suppose with the right company, 551 00:25:59,760 --> 00:26:03,330 it can be beautiful, this eternal existence. 552 00:26:03,331 --> 00:26:06,266 Not all of them make it. 553 00:26:11,339 --> 00:26:14,107 I just wish you would talk to me, Laszlo. 554 00:26:14,108 --> 00:26:16,409 Yes, yes. Very good, thank you. 555 00:26:16,410 --> 00:26:17,744 I mean, is it something I've done? 556 00:26:17,745 --> 00:26:19,212 Is this hex that 557 00:26:19,213 --> 00:26:21,348 I've been cursed with that hangs all around me 558 00:26:21,349 --> 00:26:25,051 made me, in your eyes, like an uggo or something? 559 00:26:25,052 --> 00:26:27,287 Yes! That's it. 560 00:26:27,288 --> 00:26:29,756 - What's it? - Despite the frequent interruptions, 561 00:26:29,757 --> 00:26:31,891 I've been sat here trying to decide 562 00:26:31,892 --> 00:26:33,360 if I should organize my books 563 00:26:33,361 --> 00:26:37,030 alphabetically by author, or by title. 564 00:26:37,031 --> 00:26:39,199 But you've been sat here for three weeks. 565 00:26:39,200 --> 00:26:41,334 Time well-spent, I think. And I've decided... 566 00:26:41,335 --> 00:26:43,169 You'd be pleased to know... Author. 567 00:26:43,170 --> 00:26:44,504 First thought, best thought. 568 00:26:44,505 --> 00:26:46,406 Have I missed anything good? 569 00:26:46,407 --> 00:26:47,474 No! 570 00:26:47,475 --> 00:26:49,876 This guy. 571 00:27:30,451 --> 00:27:35,184 >>>>oakislandtk<<<<< www.opensubtitles.org