1
00:00:06,086 --> 00:00:07,722
[PANTING]
2
00:00:07,740 --> 00:00:10,810
[LASZLO] As you know,
Gizmo is in a perpetual twilight...
3
00:00:10,843 --> 00:00:11,972
[SCREAMS]
4
00:00:11,983 --> 00:00:14,086
... between being a human and a vampire.
5
00:00:14,346 --> 00:00:15,514
[GRUNTS]
6
00:00:15,781 --> 00:00:17,683
[SCREECHES]
7
00:00:18,737 --> 00:00:20,974
"Not a human, not yet a vampire,"
8
00:00:20,985 --> 00:00:22,687
to paraphrase one of your contemporary
9
00:00:22,698 --> 00:00:24,258
musical troubadours.
10
00:00:24,269 --> 00:00:26,739
Now, I've turned my
attention to isolating
11
00:00:26,750 --> 00:00:30,080
the genetic marker which is
slowing his transformation.
12
00:00:30,535 --> 00:00:33,076
It's a very complex scientific procedure
13
00:00:33,087 --> 00:00:34,789
where I mix his DNA
14
00:00:34,800 --> 00:00:37,185
with the DNA of stray animals
15
00:00:37,196 --> 00:00:38,665
just to see what shakes.
16
00:00:38,871 --> 00:00:41,607
So, I began by fusing him with a swine.
17
00:00:41,640 --> 00:00:42,942
All very good.
18
00:00:42,975 --> 00:00:44,924
And a frog... Frog not so happy,
19
00:00:44,935 --> 00:00:46,601
- but it's just a frog.
- [FROG RIBBITS]
20
00:00:46,612 --> 00:00:48,648
This beaker for the dog,
21
00:00:48,767 --> 00:00:50,168
and this one for you.
22
00:00:52,540 --> 00:00:53,544
- Mm.
- [LASZLO] Oh, shit.
23
00:00:53,555 --> 00:00:55,680
I just realized I got
those the wrong way around.
24
00:00:55,704 --> 00:00:57,220
- My mistake.
- What do you mean, that...
25
00:00:57,231 --> 00:00:58,780
That's a big mistake.
Am I gonna be okay?
26
00:00:58,813 --> 00:01:01,127
You'll be fine. I just
need another urine sample.
27
00:01:01,138 --> 00:01:03,241
- Urine sample? For...
- To refill the beakers.
28
00:01:03,252 --> 00:01:04,786
[RETCHING]
29
00:01:04,797 --> 00:01:06,426
[DOOR SLAMS]
30
00:01:06,437 --> 00:01:07,455
[LASZLO] Ha-ha!
31
00:01:07,465 --> 00:01:08,815
Laszlo's been in there for three days
32
00:01:08,825 --> 00:01:10,069
- and three nights now.
- Success!
33
00:01:10,080 --> 00:01:11,815
- I think he's on the verge of a breakthrough.
- [CRASH] - Aw, shit.
34
00:01:11,826 --> 00:01:13,973
[DOOR OPENS]
35
00:01:14,006 --> 00:01:15,574
Well?
36
00:01:16,455 --> 00:01:18,132
I don't know how to put this lightly,
37
00:01:18,143 --> 00:01:19,512
but you're fucked.
38
00:01:19,523 --> 00:01:20,758
And while we're being blunt,
39
00:01:20,769 --> 00:01:23,059
you are what the scientific community
40
00:01:23,070 --> 00:01:26,941
refer to as a lost cause
with no hope whatsoever.
41
00:01:26,952 --> 00:01:29,911
So... that's it? You're
just gonna give up on me?
42
00:01:29,922 --> 00:01:32,725
I'm not gonna give up on you,
I'm gonna give up on the experiments.
43
00:01:32,758 --> 00:01:34,727
And I'd like you to do one thing for me.
44
00:01:34,760 --> 00:01:36,541
Anything. Whatever you want.
45
00:01:37,796 --> 00:01:41,135
- [BLEATING]
- [GUILLERMO] What are those?
46
00:01:41,146 --> 00:01:42,881
[LASZLO] Those... well,
they're just some of the results
47
00:01:42,892 --> 00:01:44,494
of my experiments with your DNA.
48
00:01:45,230 --> 00:01:46,931
Kill them.
49
00:01:48,841 --> 00:01:50,943
["YOU'RE DEAD" BY NORMA TANEGA PLAYING]
50
00:01:50,976 --> 00:01:53,546
♪ Don't sing if you want to live long ♪
51
00:01:53,579 --> 00:01:55,948
♪ They have no use for your song ♪
52
00:01:55,981 --> 00:01:59,385
♪ You're dead, you're
dead, you're dead ♪
53
00:01:59,418 --> 00:02:01,620
♪ You're dead and out of this world ♪
54
00:02:03,055 --> 00:02:06,092
♪ Now your hope and compassion is gone ♪
55
00:02:06,125 --> 00:02:08,895
♪ You sold out your dream to the world ♪
56
00:02:08,928 --> 00:02:11,364
♪ Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪
57
00:02:11,397 --> 00:02:13,465
♪ You're dead and out of this world. ♪
58
00:02:16,163 --> 00:02:18,198
♪ ♪
59
00:02:18,388 --> 00:02:22,889
- Synced and corrected by naFraC -
- www.addic7ed.com -
60
00:02:23,531 --> 00:02:26,534
[NADJA] These are words
for "money" in America.
61
00:02:26,545 --> 00:02:28,114
So I have been teaching a class
62
00:02:28,147 --> 00:02:29,982
in Little Antipaxos on
63
00:02:30,015 --> 00:02:32,451
assimilating to America.
64
00:02:32,462 --> 00:02:34,932
I have been helping them
master everyday skills
65
00:02:34,943 --> 00:02:36,712
such as language proficiency.
66
00:02:36,723 --> 00:02:38,658
[NEW YORK ACCENT] Whoa!
Hey, I'm walkin' here!
67
00:02:38,669 --> 00:02:41,111
Learn better driving
etiquette, you piece of shit!
68
00:02:41,122 --> 00:02:44,497
I just spilled my coffee!
[REGULAR ACCENT] Write it down.
69
00:02:44,530 --> 00:02:46,508
Typical American industries.
70
00:02:46,519 --> 00:02:49,322
Films, newspapers, beef.
71
00:02:49,333 --> 00:02:50,368
Write it down.
72
00:02:50,379 --> 00:02:53,039
And I told them the words
to the colonial patriot hymn,
73
00:02:53,072 --> 00:02:54,736
which is the song of the nation.
74
00:02:54,747 --> 00:02:57,135
♪ Burgers and fries ♪
75
00:02:57,146 --> 00:02:58,499
♪ Mickey Mouse ♪
76
00:02:58,510 --> 00:03:01,292
♪ Mount Rushmore. ♪ Yeehaw!
77
00:03:01,303 --> 00:03:03,015
Also, a very important day, which is
78
00:03:03,048 --> 00:03:05,451
the annual turkey sacrifice.
79
00:03:05,484 --> 00:03:07,478
Okay, so, welcome to Thanksgiving.
80
00:03:07,489 --> 00:03:09,844
When we are not eating
we are paying respects
81
00:03:09,855 --> 00:03:12,091
to the bird... touching
it, blowing it kisses.
82
00:03:12,146 --> 00:03:14,030
Keeping very low, on three.
83
00:03:14,041 --> 00:03:16,443
One, two, three.
84
00:03:17,080 --> 00:03:18,753
And then acknowledge the onion.
85
00:03:18,764 --> 00:03:20,766
It all started when The
Guide discovered a new detail
86
00:03:20,799 --> 00:03:23,636
about this ancient hex
that's been ruining my life.
87
00:03:23,713 --> 00:03:24,781
Give me that.
88
00:03:24,792 --> 00:03:27,662
[SPEAKING GREEK]
89
00:03:27,673 --> 00:03:30,076
"For those you've
burned, you must atone."
90
00:03:30,683 --> 00:03:32,767
And that's when I figured it out.
91
00:03:32,778 --> 00:03:34,981
So, back in my Antipaxos, there was only
92
00:03:35,014 --> 00:03:37,087
one school that everyone went to.
93
00:03:37,098 --> 00:03:40,541
School wasn't easy for
anyone, but especially not me.
94
00:03:40,552 --> 00:03:42,788
All the other children
said I was too noisy,
95
00:03:42,821 --> 00:03:44,838
so I was always made to sit outside.
96
00:03:44,849 --> 00:03:48,516
And then one day,
somebody burned down the school.
97
00:03:48,527 --> 00:03:51,464
And that person was me.
98
00:03:52,001 --> 00:03:54,433
Nobody died, but no one ever learned
99
00:03:54,466 --> 00:03:55,668
anything ever again.
100
00:03:55,701 --> 00:03:58,337
My fellow villagers never forgave me.
101
00:03:58,370 --> 00:04:00,706
Which is why I believe doing a school
102
00:04:00,739 --> 00:04:04,544
for my fellow little
Antipaxons will maybe be a way
103
00:04:04,577 --> 00:04:06,812
to reverse this motherfucking hex!
104
00:04:09,474 --> 00:04:11,673
- Whose...
- These freaks of nature
105
00:04:11,684 --> 00:04:14,316
are a result of my DNA recombinations.
106
00:04:14,327 --> 00:04:16,411
In layman's terms, they're tiny Gizmos.
107
00:04:16,422 --> 00:04:19,692
Created for the diagnosis of
your vampiratus interruptus.
108
00:04:19,725 --> 00:04:22,495
[STAMMERS] These creatures are-are me?
109
00:04:22,738 --> 00:04:24,085
Pretty much, yeah, I mean,
110
00:04:24,096 --> 00:04:26,332
you can tell by the irritating
way in which they behave.
111
00:04:26,365 --> 00:04:28,388
- Get the fuck off.
- [SCREECHES]
112
00:04:28,399 --> 00:04:31,724
That one there came from one
of your stool samples and a pig.
113
00:04:31,735 --> 00:04:34,227
This one, from a cheek swab and a dog.
114
00:04:34,238 --> 00:04:36,337
And I believe you've
met these chaps before.
115
00:04:36,348 --> 00:04:37,880
- Oof.
- Ugh.
116
00:04:37,891 --> 00:04:39,867
- Do we have to kill them?
- I'm afraid so.
117
00:04:39,878 --> 00:04:42,582
Their continuous existence
is too painful reminder
118
00:04:42,615 --> 00:04:44,884
- of my failings as a scientist.
- [BLEATING]
119
00:04:44,939 --> 00:04:47,722
Ah, and that one... now
that's a complete mistake.
120
00:04:47,733 --> 00:04:49,757
Some wool from one of
your hideous sweaters
121
00:04:49,768 --> 00:04:51,144
got in the petri dish,
122
00:04:51,155 --> 00:04:53,726
and there you go. But between you and I,
123
00:04:53,811 --> 00:04:55,646
kill that one first.
124
00:05:01,026 --> 00:05:05,483
In conclusion, the two steps
125
00:05:05,494 --> 00:05:09,939
one, go to bank, two, open account.
126
00:05:09,950 --> 00:05:10,953
Write that down.
127
00:05:10,964 --> 00:05:12,645
- Ooh, ooh!
- Ooh.
128
00:05:12,678 --> 00:05:14,347
[NADJA] I asked Nandor
and Colin Robinson
129
00:05:14,380 --> 00:05:16,015
to come with me on the first day because
130
00:05:16,048 --> 00:05:17,917
I didn't want the
class to look too empty.
131
00:05:17,950 --> 00:05:20,881
But now I cannot get
those two tits to leave.
132
00:05:20,892 --> 00:05:24,387
It's not the best school
class I've ever attended,
133
00:05:24,398 --> 00:05:26,125
even though it's the only one.
134
00:05:26,158 --> 00:05:28,394
How was your weekend?
135
00:05:28,565 --> 00:05:30,796
Same old, same old.
136
00:05:30,829 --> 00:05:32,431
I hear that, asshole.
137
00:05:32,442 --> 00:05:35,624
[NANDOR] I thought we'd learn more
about history, like warriors
138
00:05:35,635 --> 00:05:38,762
and killing and pillaging,
139
00:05:38,773 --> 00:05:42,344
but I guess we got to get
through the boring stuff first.
140
00:05:42,355 --> 00:05:46,116
[COLIN] I used to audit
a lot of night school classes.
141
00:05:46,127 --> 00:05:48,347
Fiction writing, mostly. I once
142
00:05:48,380 --> 00:05:50,116
did a poem that I titled
143
00:05:50,149 --> 00:05:52,985
An Ode to My Father's Masculinity.
144
00:05:53,144 --> 00:05:54,565
Easy drain.
145
00:05:54,576 --> 00:05:57,378
How many people did you
have sex with this weekend?
146
00:05:59,892 --> 00:06:02,099
- Seven.
- One.
147
00:06:02,110 --> 00:06:04,975
No! Water cooler does not talk.
148
00:06:04,986 --> 00:06:06,154
Write that down.
149
00:06:06,165 --> 00:06:07,833
[QUIETLY] Oh, so stupid. I give up.
150
00:06:07,866 --> 00:06:09,569
I'm starting to think that
151
00:06:09,580 --> 00:06:13,417
maybe I'm not very
good at this. [EXCLAIMS]
152
00:06:14,850 --> 00:06:17,887
No, I... I can't.
153
00:06:17,898 --> 00:06:19,600
I can't do this. I can't
154
00:06:19,709 --> 00:06:21,603
hurt an innocent creature... Ew.
155
00:06:21,614 --> 00:06:23,482
- Get off, get off, get off.
- [SCREECHING]
156
00:06:24,653 --> 00:06:26,255
I could just probably
call an exterminator
157
00:06:26,266 --> 00:06:29,789
or animal control because,
technically, you are vermin, so...
158
00:06:29,800 --> 00:06:32,770
Wow, you do look like me.
159
00:06:33,012 --> 00:06:34,981
[NADJA] Is teaching
160
00:06:34,992 --> 00:06:38,898
actually going to help me
lift this fucking hex?
161
00:06:38,953 --> 00:06:41,789
- [HISSES]
- You are struggling.
162
00:06:42,121 --> 00:06:44,778
Oh, fantastic. Another
disgruntled student.
163
00:06:44,811 --> 00:06:46,847
You have a troubled energy about you.
164
00:06:46,858 --> 00:06:49,193
A dark presence looms.
165
00:06:49,204 --> 00:06:51,807
Do you know about the hex?
166
00:06:51,818 --> 00:06:53,620
Ever since you have come
here, you have brought with you
167
00:06:53,653 --> 00:06:56,790
a very dark, spectral
168
00:06:57,109 --> 00:06:58,311
specter.
169
00:06:58,326 --> 00:07:00,160
It's like a hex, if you will.
170
00:07:00,193 --> 00:07:03,030
[SIGHS] And what is your name,
171
00:07:03,085 --> 00:07:04,953
crispy, old, wizened crone?
172
00:07:05,090 --> 00:07:06,825
Oh, my name's Helen.
173
00:07:07,905 --> 00:07:10,626
Hel... Oh, just Helen.
That's it. Just Helen?
174
00:07:10,637 --> 00:07:13,904
- Helen the Magic Woman.
- And you can help me
175
00:07:13,915 --> 00:07:16,476
rid myself of this disgusting hex?
176
00:07:16,663 --> 00:07:18,378
- Yes.
- [CHUCKLES]
177
00:07:18,389 --> 00:07:21,225
I am so sorry, class,
but something has come up.
178
00:07:21,236 --> 00:07:23,772
Colin, Nandor, one of you
is the teacher now! Go!
179
00:07:23,783 --> 00:07:26,153
- I can't say I am surprised...
- I am the teacher...
180
00:07:26,186 --> 00:07:28,155
- ... by this turn of events.
- ... and you will listen to me now.
181
00:07:28,188 --> 00:07:30,057
- I have been known to...
- I am an expert in...
182
00:07:30,090 --> 00:07:31,591
- ... um...
- [GROWLS SOFTLY]
183
00:07:32,322 --> 00:07:34,528
[NADJA] Okay. I think
I have gotten this.
184
00:07:34,583 --> 00:07:36,919
A gray egg from a red turkey,
185
00:07:37,003 --> 00:07:39,073
a petal of wolfsbane...
186
00:07:39,084 --> 00:07:40,867
Magic can be a very
187
00:07:40,900 --> 00:07:43,170
strange and confusing thing,
188
00:07:43,203 --> 00:07:45,639
which is why I do not fuck with it.
189
00:07:45,672 --> 00:07:47,847
... a snake's nose...
190
00:07:47,858 --> 00:07:49,476
But if this sorceress
191
00:07:49,509 --> 00:07:53,554
can fix me, then hell yes, I'm all in.
192
00:07:53,565 --> 00:07:56,772
Is there anything else you
require for this magic potion?
193
00:07:56,783 --> 00:07:58,518
I will need an eye of newt,
194
00:07:58,551 --> 00:08:00,187
a black cat's whisker
195
00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:04,858
and a chocolate glazed from
the Dunkin' on Forest Avenue.
196
00:08:05,006 --> 00:08:07,994
What is this, uh,
an enchanted forest or something?
197
00:08:08,027 --> 00:08:09,487
It is a pastry shop.
198
00:08:09,498 --> 00:08:11,434
- Oh. - They sell what in
these modern times
199
00:08:11,445 --> 00:08:14,521
are called doughnuts.
200
00:08:14,532 --> 00:08:15,802
A doughnut?
201
00:08:15,835 --> 00:08:18,004
- Why would you need a doughnut?
- Normally,
202
00:08:18,037 --> 00:08:20,707
I would require you to
retrieve the sweetest flower
203
00:08:20,718 --> 00:08:24,190
- from the peak of Mount Juktas.
- Oh.
204
00:08:24,201 --> 00:08:26,402
But honestly, it tastes a
lot like a doughnut, so...
205
00:08:26,413 --> 00:08:28,737
I'll get on with this. Goodbye, hex.
206
00:08:28,748 --> 00:08:30,517
- Come on, get inside. Let's go. Okay.
- [BLEATING]
207
00:08:30,550 --> 00:08:31,852
No, I don't know what the next step is,
208
00:08:31,885 --> 00:08:34,654
but it's definitely not
killing them. Maybe to the zoo?
209
00:08:34,687 --> 00:08:37,626
Uh... the park? I could drop
you guys at the park, huh?
210
00:08:37,637 --> 00:08:40,420
A good run in the park
would do me a world of good.
211
00:08:42,118 --> 00:08:44,567
- You can talk.
- Many of us can.
212
00:08:44,577 --> 00:08:47,601
I apologize for not telling you sooner,
I just didn't want to...
213
00:08:47,634 --> 00:08:49,135
- shock you.
- [SCREECHES]
214
00:08:52,060 --> 00:08:58,326
A question: What is the
most important knowledge...
215
00:08:59,450 --> 00:09:01,219
one can possess?
216
00:09:01,230 --> 00:09:02,616
History.
217
00:09:02,649 --> 00:09:04,651
And where did human history begin?
218
00:09:04,706 --> 00:09:08,510
The great empire of Al
Qolnidar rose to power
219
00:09:08,521 --> 00:09:12,404
in what the Western world calls 1262.
220
00:09:12,415 --> 00:09:14,403
But we're gonna forget about that
221
00:09:14,414 --> 00:09:18,138
and just call it the year O.
222
00:09:18,149 --> 00:09:22,283
Whatever, man. History is subjective.
223
00:09:22,294 --> 00:09:23,859
I mean, teach what you want,
224
00:09:23,870 --> 00:09:26,346
but just know that history
225
00:09:26,357 --> 00:09:28,319
is written by the oppressors.
226
00:09:28,330 --> 00:09:31,176
One of the biggest and most
227
00:09:31,187 --> 00:09:34,462
commonly-used energy drains imaginable
228
00:09:34,473 --> 00:09:37,017
is being the cool teacher.
229
00:09:37,050 --> 00:09:39,686
I used to have a bumper
sticker that said,
230
00:09:39,719 --> 00:09:42,111
"I rather be reading Bukowski."
231
00:09:42,434 --> 00:09:43,557
It was pretty rad.
232
00:09:43,590 --> 00:09:45,887
Uh, I have a little gift for you guys.
233
00:09:45,898 --> 00:09:47,160
Some condoms.
234
00:09:47,193 --> 00:09:49,546
I want you guys to be healthy out there.
235
00:09:49,557 --> 00:09:52,554
You don't have to be in
love to wear the glove.
236
00:09:52,565 --> 00:09:54,034
- Right, Lorraine?
- [NANDOR] Colin Robinson
237
00:09:54,067 --> 00:09:56,036
has tricked my pupils into thinking
238
00:09:56,069 --> 00:09:58,238
- that they are learning.
- [CHUCKLES]
239
00:09:58,271 --> 00:10:00,107
Meanwhile, I have not
heard the word "history"
240
00:10:00,140 --> 00:10:02,360
or Al Qolnidar mentioned once.
241
00:10:02,371 --> 00:10:03,799
[COLIN] Let me tell you about Hamlet.
242
00:10:03,810 --> 00:10:05,812
A prince of a castle.
243
00:10:05,845 --> 00:10:08,041
You wince, but his hassle
244
00:10:08,052 --> 00:10:10,410
was the death of... his daddy.
245
00:10:10,421 --> 00:10:11,789
A baddy? No.
246
00:10:11,800 --> 00:10:14,599
- But sad he was when the lad
said, "Egad"... - [GROWLS]
247
00:10:14,610 --> 00:10:17,456
a prince driven mad, ya boy got had.
248
00:10:17,467 --> 00:10:19,993
[NANDOR] What is even worse
is that he keeps sitting up
249
00:10:20,026 --> 00:10:21,795
on the desk with his legs crossed
250
00:10:21,828 --> 00:10:25,317
so that everyone can see
his nut hanging out his short.
251
00:10:27,103 --> 00:10:28,278
[GUILLERMO] You can talk?
252
00:10:28,289 --> 00:10:30,292
- You're, like, real people?
- [BLEATING]
253
00:10:30,303 --> 00:10:31,605
Why didn't you tell me you could talk?
254
00:10:31,638 --> 00:10:33,273
I guess we can be shy sometimes.
255
00:10:33,328 --> 00:10:35,690
What, you open up to
people right off the bat?
256
00:10:35,701 --> 00:10:37,711
Well, no, not usually,
I guess I take a second,
257
00:10:37,744 --> 00:10:38,921
yeah, but...
258
00:10:38,932 --> 00:10:42,508
- I made an oopsie, Daddy.
- No, no one's Daddy.
259
00:10:42,519 --> 00:10:43,793
But Daddy Gemerno,
260
00:10:43,810 --> 00:10:46,433
- the oopsie is getting bad.
- [GUILLERMO] Oh, shit.
261
00:10:46,444 --> 00:10:47,601
Ugh, what'd you eat?
262
00:10:47,612 --> 00:10:48,847
Uh, listen, Daddy, I kind of
263
00:10:48,858 --> 00:10:50,426
made the froggie pregnant.
264
00:10:50,437 --> 00:10:51,745
- What?
- I want raw meat.
265
00:10:51,756 --> 00:10:53,324
- Da-da, my oopsie's really bad.
- [BLEATING] Da-da.
266
00:10:53,334 --> 00:10:54,990
- [DOG] What's the plan, Daddy?
- Come on!
267
00:10:55,000 --> 00:10:56,828
- I want to go outside.
- Shh, shh, shh, shh!
268
00:10:56,839 --> 00:10:59,177
Stop talking. I got to
think, I got to think.
269
00:10:59,318 --> 00:11:02,042
Laszlo wants me to, you
know, get rid of you.
270
00:11:02,053 --> 00:11:04,255
What means "get rid of"?
271
00:11:04,266 --> 00:11:06,569
- Um...
- Our elders spoke of a prophecy
272
00:11:06,580 --> 00:11:08,849
of the one true Guillermo who saves us.
273
00:11:09,138 --> 00:11:11,374
What are you talking about?
Elders? Who-who are your elders?
274
00:11:11,385 --> 00:11:13,287
He was born 15 minutes before me.
275
00:11:13,388 --> 00:11:14,543
Hello, young one.
276
00:11:14,554 --> 00:11:17,149
Rest easy, all. Guillermo will save us.
277
00:11:17,160 --> 00:11:18,475
- Daddy, Daddy.
- [DOG] Ain't that right, Daddy?
278
00:11:18,486 --> 00:11:21,161
- I don't want to die.
- Shh! Stop, stop, stop, stop talking.
279
00:11:21,172 --> 00:11:22,740
- Fine. I'll save you.
- Yeah!
280
00:11:22,751 --> 00:11:24,961
- Thank you, Daddy.
- But you can't tell Laszlo, okay?
281
00:11:24,972 --> 00:11:26,897
- Agreed.
- Is this all of you guys?
282
00:11:26,908 --> 00:11:28,567
- Where's-where's Binky?
- Who?
283
00:11:28,578 --> 00:11:30,113
Binky's the most fragile among us.
284
00:11:30,124 --> 00:11:31,292
He lives in the koi pond.
285
00:11:31,303 --> 00:11:34,228
- Find him, Guillermo.
- Okay, fine, I'll find him. I'll find Binky.
286
00:11:34,239 --> 00:11:35,841
And you're all gonna stay put
287
00:11:35,852 --> 00:11:38,268
a-and not make a noise. All right?
288
00:11:38,279 --> 00:11:40,885
Do not think your
bravery will go unnoticed.
289
00:11:40,896 --> 00:11:42,911
- See her? This fetching bitch...
- [WHINES]
290
00:11:42,922 --> 00:11:45,692
... is my beautiful daughter.
You may lay with her.
291
00:11:45,703 --> 00:11:47,991
- No, I'm good. I'm gonna take this gun.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
292
00:11:48,002 --> 00:11:49,263
- [PIG] We love you, Daddy.
- I'll be back.
293
00:11:49,274 --> 00:11:50,377
[DOG] Daddy!
294
00:11:51,981 --> 00:11:54,050
Helen, I'm home! [CHUCKLES]
295
00:11:54,136 --> 00:11:55,838
So, I think I got everything.
296
00:11:55,977 --> 00:11:57,335
One monkey paw.
297
00:11:57,346 --> 00:12:00,283
- Great...
- Tears on a woman's love letter.
298
00:12:00,579 --> 00:12:04,120
Oh. Okay, so we're going
straight for the doughnut.
299
00:12:04,131 --> 00:12:05,803
Oh, I'm so sorry, they only had
300
00:12:05,814 --> 00:12:08,792
vanilla glazed with rainbow sprinkles.
301
00:12:08,803 --> 00:12:10,863
What am I supposed to do with this?
302
00:12:10,874 --> 00:12:13,379
Could you not use that
for your magic potion?
303
00:12:13,390 --> 00:12:14,925
Has to be chocolate or...
304
00:12:14,936 --> 00:12:17,556
You think I can put this in my big bowl?
305
00:12:17,567 --> 00:12:19,035
Do you mean a cauldron?
306
00:12:19,046 --> 00:12:20,766
Yes. That is the word.
307
00:12:20,777 --> 00:12:22,427
You're gonna have to go back out.
308
00:12:22,438 --> 00:12:23,827
Of course, yes.
309
00:12:23,838 --> 00:12:27,795
And why don't you also grab me
310
00:12:27,806 --> 00:12:29,579
three Boston creams,
311
00:12:29,612 --> 00:12:32,282
three chocolate glazed, four jelly
312
00:12:32,315 --> 00:12:35,088
and five glazed crullers.
313
00:12:35,099 --> 00:12:36,824
- What else?
- Do you think you might want
314
00:12:36,835 --> 00:12:39,224
more of witchy, spooky stuff?
315
00:12:39,235 --> 00:12:41,666
Uh, maybe, after we
get the Dunkin' sorted.
316
00:12:41,677 --> 00:12:43,560
[NADJA] I don't know much about hexes
317
00:12:43,571 --> 00:12:45,661
or how to get rid of them, obviously.
318
00:12:45,672 --> 00:12:49,237
Maybe the doughnut is something
to do with the circle of life?
319
00:12:49,248 --> 00:12:53,358
Also, Helen said she had this
magic wand for thousands of years.
320
00:12:53,369 --> 00:12:55,805
But I'm pretty sure I saw her go outside
321
00:12:55,816 --> 00:12:57,762
and pick up a stick from the ground.
322
00:12:57,773 --> 00:12:59,976
- It was, like, a "crullan."
- Cruller.
323
00:13:00,009 --> 00:13:02,378
- "Crewlour."
- Cr-uller.
324
00:13:02,389 --> 00:13:04,559
"Crew-row-row... row-row-ler."
325
00:13:04,570 --> 00:13:05,593
Close enough.
326
00:13:05,781 --> 00:13:07,383
[HUMMING A TUNE]
327
00:13:07,416 --> 00:13:09,452
[CLATTERING IN DISTANCE]
328
00:13:09,485 --> 00:13:11,993
What the fuck... Gizmo? What are you
329
00:13:12,004 --> 00:13:13,772
doing in there... are you wanking?
330
00:13:13,783 --> 00:13:16,386
- No! What? - Well, I wouldn't
judge you if you were.
331
00:13:16,397 --> 00:13:19,224
I wank in there all the time.
30 minutes ago, to be precise.
332
00:13:19,235 --> 00:13:21,304
No. Actually, I'm trying to
catch one of your abominations.
333
00:13:21,464 --> 00:13:23,032
Listen, I understand this kind of thing
334
00:13:23,043 --> 00:13:24,345
is not for the faint of heart.
335
00:13:24,356 --> 00:13:25,590
So if you don't have the balls for it,
336
00:13:25,601 --> 00:13:27,269
- I don't mind stepping in.
- No.
337
00:13:28,070 --> 00:13:30,285
- I-I have the balls for it.
- Good.
338
00:13:30,296 --> 00:13:32,171
- Get out of my shed.
- Oh, you're gonna go and...
339
00:13:32,182 --> 00:13:33,409
- And wank.
- Yeah.
340
00:13:33,442 --> 00:13:34,711
- Yes!
- Okay.
341
00:13:34,744 --> 00:13:36,679
- And shut the door.
- Shut the door.
342
00:13:37,647 --> 00:13:39,315
Okay.
343
00:13:39,348 --> 00:13:41,506
Binky. [SMOOCHES]
344
00:13:41,837 --> 00:13:44,254
Hey, buddy. Come on.
345
00:13:44,287 --> 00:13:45,355
Come on.
346
00:13:45,388 --> 00:13:47,323
Whoa, Nelly!
347
00:13:48,646 --> 00:13:49,692
[GASPING]
348
00:13:49,725 --> 00:13:53,396
Daddy, what is "wank"? [GASPS]
349
00:13:56,672 --> 00:13:59,442
[OUT OF TUNE CHORD]
350
00:14:00,022 --> 00:14:01,823
I almost have it.
351
00:14:02,598 --> 00:14:03,762
Oh, I'm in the wrong spot.
352
00:14:03,773 --> 00:14:05,118
- [SIGHS]
- Hold on.
353
00:14:05,129 --> 00:14:06,931
- [IN-TUNE CHORD]
- There.
354
00:14:06,942 --> 00:14:10,327
So, what did we just
learn about sound waves?
355
00:14:10,338 --> 00:14:11,436
Yeah. Lenore.
356
00:14:11,447 --> 00:14:12,682
When will learn about, uh,
357
00:14:12,693 --> 00:14:14,529
starting mortgage?
358
00:14:14,540 --> 00:14:16,654
Right after I play
359
00:14:16,665 --> 00:14:18,670
"Nightswimming" by R.E.M.
360
00:14:18,681 --> 00:14:20,283
- Uh, let's see...
- Colin Robinson,
361
00:14:20,294 --> 00:14:22,329
what are we doing outside?
362
00:14:22,491 --> 00:14:24,594
Having class on the quad, man.
363
00:14:24,627 --> 00:14:26,462
Kind of a college tradition.
364
00:14:26,495 --> 00:14:28,164
I catch your drift, though.
365
00:14:28,555 --> 00:14:31,279
How about we get the old blood pumpin'
366
00:14:31,334 --> 00:14:34,918
- with some hacky sack?
- [GRUNTS]
367
00:14:34,929 --> 00:14:35,929
- That's not cool.
- [THUD]
368
00:14:35,940 --> 00:14:38,323
- We are going to the history museum.
- [CAR ALARM BLARING]
369
00:14:38,334 --> 00:14:40,606
- Who's with me?
- Museum? Is inside?
370
00:14:40,617 --> 00:14:43,179
Yes. Very much so. Follow me!
371
00:14:43,212 --> 00:14:45,215
- Oh. [MUTTERS]
- Who here has seen Garden State?
372
00:14:45,248 --> 00:14:47,899
There's a song in it
that I'd love for you guys
373
00:14:47,910 --> 00:14:49,912
to listen to by The Shins.
374
00:14:53,158 --> 00:14:56,282
This is from the Dunkin' on Forest
and Broadway. I said it must be
375
00:14:56,293 --> 00:14:59,495
- Forest and South.
- What? How can you even tell?
376
00:14:59,528 --> 00:15:02,131
Hello! I'm a magic woman.
I can tell everything.
377
00:15:02,164 --> 00:15:03,733
- [SIGHS]
- I will need a dozen more
378
00:15:03,766 --> 00:15:06,780
- from the Forest and South location.
- Are you kidding me?
379
00:15:06,791 --> 00:15:09,060
How many donuts do you need, lady?
380
00:15:09,071 --> 00:15:10,607
- [GROANS]
- Oh!
381
00:15:10,640 --> 00:15:12,408
Oh, Magic Woman, what is happening?
382
00:15:12,441 --> 00:15:15,297
Oh, the hex. It grows more powerful
383
00:15:15,308 --> 00:15:16,877
with each passing moment.
384
00:15:16,888 --> 00:15:19,637
- Oh, no. - Oh, you must
fetch me one last thing.
385
00:15:19,648 --> 00:15:21,173
Yes, yes, anything.
386
00:15:22,910 --> 00:15:25,154
A dozen powdered Munchkins.
387
00:15:25,187 --> 00:15:28,992
Powder represents the
ashes of your ancestors.
388
00:15:29,003 --> 00:15:32,095
I will get you a dozen
powdered Munchkins.
389
00:15:32,106 --> 00:15:33,741
Stay with me, Helen!
390
00:15:34,216 --> 00:15:36,219
- [WHIMPERING]
- Oh.
391
00:15:36,230 --> 00:15:38,423
- Piss!
- [STOPS WHIMPERING]
392
00:15:38,875 --> 00:15:41,037
What are you doing?! Come on!
393
00:15:41,070 --> 00:15:43,540
[NANDOR] And you will not
call the police about us
394
00:15:43,573 --> 00:15:46,309
being here while the museum is closed.
395
00:15:46,364 --> 00:15:48,099
[QUIET CHATTER]
396
00:15:48,341 --> 00:15:51,914
The entire history of Staten Island!
397
00:15:51,934 --> 00:15:54,498
- Look at this.
- [COLIN] This is a recreation
398
00:15:54,509 --> 00:15:57,654
of the 19th century
immigrant experience,
399
00:15:57,709 --> 00:15:59,678
based on old travel chests
400
00:15:59,689 --> 00:16:02,225
that were never claimed
from the customs house.
401
00:16:02,258 --> 00:16:04,494
This fellow is wearing traditional
402
00:16:04,527 --> 00:16:07,063
Al-Qolnidarian gown.
403
00:16:07,074 --> 00:16:09,907
This is exactly the
kind of outfit I wore
404
00:16:09,918 --> 00:16:11,968
on my journey to America.
405
00:16:12,001 --> 00:16:14,170
And I do so love
406
00:16:14,203 --> 00:16:18,424
that this is from the
immigrant's perspective.
407
00:16:18,435 --> 00:16:21,892
So accurate, down to the underwear.
408
00:16:21,903 --> 00:16:24,880
Those look very much
like a pair I used to own.
409
00:16:24,891 --> 00:16:26,482
Wait a minute.
410
00:16:26,937 --> 00:16:29,112
Those are a pair I used to own!
411
00:16:29,123 --> 00:16:31,782
How did these fuckers get my stuff?!
412
00:16:33,322 --> 00:16:36,570
Donut wench, I need a dozen
powdered Munchkins, and make it quick.
413
00:16:36,581 --> 00:16:40,151
- A hex is killing my friend.
- Okey dokey.
414
00:16:40,162 --> 00:16:41,726
$5.07 for the Munchkins,
415
00:16:41,737 --> 00:16:43,839
and I'll ignore the other stuff.
416
00:16:43,850 --> 00:16:46,202
Wait... Wait, hang on, that is her.
417
00:16:46,235 --> 00:16:48,505
That is my friend.
How do you know Helen?
418
00:16:48,538 --> 00:16:50,937
Um, I guess I know her from, like,
419
00:16:51,250 --> 00:16:53,447
harassing me and my co-workers.
420
00:16:53,458 --> 00:16:54,547
That's mainly how.
421
00:16:54,558 --> 00:16:57,140
Hang on. Helen Johnson?
422
00:16:57,151 --> 00:16:59,907
I thought her name was
Helen the Magic Woman.
423
00:17:00,560 --> 00:17:02,118
[SPEAKS GREEK]
424
00:17:02,151 --> 00:17:04,889
Something here stinks of a snake's shit.
425
00:17:04,900 --> 00:17:06,735
I have your Munchkins.
426
00:17:07,579 --> 00:17:09,314
We need to have a little chat.
427
00:17:09,668 --> 00:17:12,999
What is this? Why does
it say Helen Johnson
428
00:17:13,010 --> 00:17:15,361
when your name is Helen the Magic Woman?
429
00:17:15,372 --> 00:17:18,697
I, um, never told you my full name,
430
00:17:18,708 --> 00:17:22,614
which is Helen "the Magic" Johnson.
431
00:17:22,625 --> 00:17:24,121
The hex is playing tricks on you.
432
00:17:24,132 --> 00:17:27,501
This is textbook hex.
The solution is a strawb...
433
00:17:27,512 --> 00:17:29,367
No! Ugh!
434
00:17:29,497 --> 00:17:30,631
Wait!
435
00:17:32,490 --> 00:17:35,143
You have no idea what it's like
436
00:17:35,154 --> 00:17:38,242
to not be allowed back to the one place
437
00:17:38,253 --> 00:17:41,112
- you feel at home.
- [SIGHS]
438
00:17:41,123 --> 00:17:42,770
I do know what it is like
439
00:17:42,781 --> 00:17:44,160
to be driven from the only place
440
00:17:44,193 --> 00:17:45,662
you have ever called home,
441
00:17:45,695 --> 00:17:48,366
just as I was driven out of my village.
442
00:17:48,377 --> 00:17:49,692
It ain't great. [SHORT CHUCKLE]
443
00:17:49,703 --> 00:17:51,765
My hex may not have been lifted,
444
00:17:51,776 --> 00:17:54,563
but with a little hypnosis,
445
00:17:54,756 --> 00:17:56,843
at least Helen's has been.
446
00:17:57,663 --> 00:18:01,626
Welcome home, sweet freak,
Helen "the Magic" Johnson.
447
00:18:01,637 --> 00:18:04,739
You "doughnut" need to be sad anymore.
448
00:18:05,456 --> 00:18:08,573
"This immigrant probably
came from a small village
449
00:18:08,584 --> 00:18:13,401
in the Near Middle East, one
with a particularly weak army,
450
00:18:13,412 --> 00:18:15,661
based on their inferior weaponry."
451
00:18:15,672 --> 00:18:18,127
What? Those are my travel weapons.
452
00:18:18,138 --> 00:18:22,137
"Also inside was a
well-worn good-luck amulet.
453
00:18:22,148 --> 00:18:26,036
The Atlantic Crossing was
terrifying to most uneducated
454
00:18:26,047 --> 00:18:29,951
travelers of the day, and they
sought comfort in superstitions..."
455
00:18:29,962 --> 00:18:32,279
I was not terrified of shit.
456
00:18:32,290 --> 00:18:34,420
And I don't even know what an amulet is.
457
00:18:34,431 --> 00:18:37,795
That is a key chain
given to me by my mommy.
458
00:18:37,806 --> 00:18:42,596
[COLIN] It also says that the
immigrant was a talented writer.
459
00:18:42,607 --> 00:18:45,941
- It does?
- "Stories about sexual escapades
460
00:18:45,952 --> 00:18:48,010
while flying in the sky."
461
00:18:48,021 --> 00:18:50,159
That's right... sky fucking.
462
00:18:50,192 --> 00:18:51,494
Glad to see they've acknowledged
463
00:18:51,527 --> 00:18:53,363
some of the cool shit that I've done.
464
00:18:53,396 --> 00:18:56,366
"It's a rare example of
early erotic fiction."
465
00:18:56,399 --> 00:18:58,653
Fiction? This is not fiction.
466
00:18:58,664 --> 00:19:01,638
- This is my diary!
- [COLIN] "It is likely that, unable
467
00:19:01,671 --> 00:19:04,469
to find a sexual partner,
468
00:19:04,480 --> 00:19:07,359
the immigrant bided
his time imagining one.
469
00:19:07,370 --> 00:19:09,928
The crude and improbable descriptions
470
00:19:09,939 --> 00:19:11,842
of his intercourse
471
00:19:11,853 --> 00:19:13,915
- furthermore suggests this individual...
- [LOW GROWLING]
472
00:19:13,926 --> 00:19:16,307
- Don't say it!
- ... never had sex."
473
00:19:16,318 --> 00:19:19,315
[NANDOR GROANING, YELLING]
474
00:19:21,703 --> 00:19:24,806
[COLIN] Violence is the last
refuge of the incompetent.
475
00:19:25,835 --> 00:19:27,736
- [BLEATING]
- [SQUEALING]
476
00:19:29,901 --> 00:19:31,970
[LASZLO] I know it's tough,
Gizmo, but it must be done.
477
00:19:32,025 --> 00:19:34,639
Steady thy hand and become death.
478
00:19:34,650 --> 00:19:37,531
But wait till I'm gone. I don't want
to be covered in brains and shit.
479
00:19:37,542 --> 00:19:39,452
- Au revoir.
- [BLEATS]
480
00:19:39,463 --> 00:19:41,177
- Bye.
- [WHIMPERING]
481
00:19:41,188 --> 00:19:43,733
- Shh.
- [GUNSHOTS]
482
00:19:43,744 --> 00:19:44,823
- [BLEATING]
- There we go.
483
00:19:47,485 --> 00:19:49,287
Thank you so much, Guillermo.
484
00:19:49,298 --> 00:19:52,345
- Hey, no one's dying on my wa...
- [CREATURES EXCLAIMING]
485
00:19:52,356 --> 00:19:53,725
Oh! [GRUNTS]
486
00:19:53,758 --> 00:19:56,162
- No. No, drop it. Drop it!
- [GROWLING]
487
00:19:56,173 --> 00:19:57,500
Sorry about that.
488
00:19:59,764 --> 00:20:00,932
[COLIN] Hello.
489
00:20:01,183 --> 00:20:03,835
I thought you might want this
490
00:20:03,846 --> 00:20:05,715
key ring that your mommy gave you.
491
00:20:05,770 --> 00:20:07,972
I stole it from the museum.
492
00:20:07,983 --> 00:20:11,113
Is this how history is going to
remember me, Colin Robinson,
493
00:20:11,124 --> 00:20:13,278
if it is going to remember me at all?
494
00:20:13,311 --> 00:20:16,614
Well, I also took the liberty
495
00:20:16,647 --> 00:20:19,651
of rearranging the museum display.
496
00:20:19,662 --> 00:20:21,671
"This immigrant was a very feared
497
00:20:21,682 --> 00:20:23,855
and very cool ancient warrior
498
00:20:23,888 --> 00:20:27,458
who set the world's record
for having the most constant
499
00:20:27,491 --> 00:20:29,627
- sexual intercourse"?
- Sexual intercourse.
500
00:20:29,660 --> 00:20:33,531
"Often while flying, and he
was never scared of boat rides."
501
00:20:33,712 --> 00:20:35,021
[NANDOR] You're shitting me.
502
00:20:35,076 --> 00:20:38,614
Whatever, you know? Uh,
history is a construct.
503
00:20:38,625 --> 00:20:40,293
Thank you, Colin Robinson.
504
00:20:40,304 --> 00:20:41,989
You are not just a cool teacher.
505
00:20:42,000 --> 00:20:44,216
You are also a cool friend.
506
00:20:44,227 --> 00:20:46,333
[SINGSONGY] Awkward
moment. [SHORT CHUCKLE]
507
00:20:47,078 --> 00:20:49,447
- [BRAKES SQUEAKS]
- Okay.
508
00:20:49,709 --> 00:20:52,245
Just remember: never
be seen by the staff.
509
00:20:52,928 --> 00:20:54,998
- You're only safe with the old people.
- Okay.
510
00:20:55,008 --> 00:20:56,921
- [BLEATING] I understand.
- Yes, we understand.
511
00:20:56,954 --> 00:20:59,290
[GUILLERMO] So I just dropped
them off at a retirement home
512
00:20:59,323 --> 00:21:00,692
that my tía works at.
513
00:21:00,725 --> 00:21:02,327
She's always saying the residents
514
00:21:02,360 --> 00:21:03,695
are really lonely and love company.
515
00:21:03,728 --> 00:21:07,265
- Who has B-1? B-1?
- [MAN] Yeah. B-1.
516
00:21:07,298 --> 00:21:09,421
[GUILLERMO] And it was super
easy to get the paperwork
517
00:21:09,432 --> 00:21:10,934
for an emotional support animal.
518
00:21:10,945 --> 00:21:13,304
[CHUCKLING, SIGHING]
519
00:21:13,990 --> 00:21:16,407
[GUILLERMO] They'll be
happy here, I think.
520
00:21:17,603 --> 00:21:19,207
I hope.
521
00:21:19,510 --> 00:21:21,946
♪ Born free ♪
522
00:21:21,979 --> 00:21:25,783
♪ As free as the wind blows ♪
523
00:21:26,358 --> 00:21:30,088
♪ As free as the grass grows... ♪
524
00:21:30,375 --> 00:21:33,348
I decided to keep Binky
because he's happy here.
525
00:21:33,505 --> 00:21:36,408
[LASZLO] Gizmo, what
are you doing out there?
526
00:21:36,681 --> 00:21:37,697
Having a wank?
527
00:21:37,708 --> 00:21:40,256
Ah, good man. Carry on.
528
00:21:41,696 --> 00:21:43,768
- Hey, buddy.
- [GURGLES]
529
00:21:43,801 --> 00:21:46,504
♪ Live free ♪
530
00:21:46,537 --> 00:21:50,441
♪ And beauty surrounds you ♪
531
00:21:50,474 --> 00:21:53,478
♪ The world still astounds you ♪
532
00:21:53,511 --> 00:21:55,647
♪ Each time you look at ♪
533
00:21:55,680 --> 00:21:59,818
♪ A star ♪
534
00:21:59,851 --> 00:22:02,787
♪ Stay free ♪
535
00:22:02,820 --> 00:22:06,724
♪ Where no walls divide you ♪
536
00:22:06,757 --> 00:22:09,627
♪ You're free as the roaring tides ♪
537
00:22:09,660 --> 00:22:11,629
♪ So there's no need ♪
538
00:22:11,662 --> 00:22:16,267
♪ To hide ♪
539
00:22:16,300 --> 00:22:20,338
♪ Born free ♪
540
00:22:20,371 --> 00:22:23,741
♪ Born free... ♪
541
00:22:23,774 --> 00:22:27,779
♪ Born free ♪
542
00:22:27,812 --> 00:22:29,781
♪ Born. ♪
543
00:22:30,127 --> 00:22:35,127
- Synced and corrected by naFraC -
- www.addic7ed.com -