1 00:00:05,596 --> 00:00:08,071 Something is wrong with Gizmo lately. 2 00:00:08,111 --> 00:00:09,646 He's morose, distracted. 3 00:00:09,671 --> 00:00:11,540 Like a man with a secret. 4 00:00:11,565 --> 00:00:14,001 I mean, he's still a perfectly adequate familiar. 5 00:00:14,026 --> 00:00:16,262 But there's just something not right about him. 6 00:00:16,358 --> 00:00:18,293 What it is, I don't know, 7 00:00:18,318 --> 00:00:19,752 but I intend to find out. 8 00:00:19,858 --> 00:00:21,693 So we're all here. That's good. 9 00:00:21,726 --> 00:00:24,001 If I can have your undivided attention - What? 10 00:00:24,026 --> 00:00:25,963 - For a few minutes? - Absolutely not. - No. 11 00:00:25,987 --> 00:00:28,322 So, aren't you actually a vampire now? 12 00:00:28,497 --> 00:00:30,966 - Hmm? - Didn't you pay your friend Derek 13 00:00:31,006 --> 00:00:33,381 - to turn you into a... - We're not talking about that right now. 14 00:00:33,405 --> 00:00:35,040 He's behaving unusually. 15 00:00:35,073 --> 00:00:36,111 If there's anyone that can get 16 00:00:36,135 --> 00:00:37,385 to the bottom of this kind of thing, it's me. 17 00:00:37,409 --> 00:00:39,337 Why? 'Cause I'm the king of bottoms. 18 00:00:43,297 --> 00:00:45,566 ♪ Don't sing if you want to live long ♪ 19 00:00:45,657 --> 00:00:49,024 ♪ They have no use for your song ♪ 20 00:00:49,049 --> 00:00:51,579 ♪ You're dead, you're dead, you're dead ♪ 21 00:00:51,604 --> 00:00:54,149 ♪ You're dead and out of this world ♪ 22 00:00:55,464 --> 00:00:58,334 ♪ Now your hope and compassion is gone ♪ 23 00:00:58,359 --> 00:01:01,173 ♪ You sold out your dream to the world ♪ 24 00:01:01,198 --> 00:01:03,532 ♪ Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪ 25 00:01:03,557 --> 00:01:06,085 ♪ You're dead and out of this world. ♪ 26 00:01:15,830 --> 00:01:18,199 - As I was saying... - Couple of questions. First one: 27 00:01:18,224 --> 00:01:20,093 -Why? And also, -Okay, you know what? 28 00:01:20,118 --> 00:01:21,829 - Who gives you the right? - Okay, I was just... 29 00:01:21,853 --> 00:01:23,488 I have a follow-up to that. 30 00:01:23,521 --> 00:01:24,389 Okay. 31 00:01:25,423 --> 00:01:26,657 Yeah. 32 00:01:26,682 --> 00:01:28,984 Nadja, Laszlo, Colin Robinson, please. 33 00:01:29,094 --> 00:01:31,040 I would like to hear what Guillermo has to say. 34 00:01:32,392 --> 00:01:33,707 A lot has changed 35 00:01:33,732 --> 00:01:35,400 since you last saw me. 36 00:01:35,433 --> 00:01:37,802 I'm in a really good place. 37 00:01:37,836 --> 00:01:40,305 And it is all thanks to an ancient book of wisdom 38 00:01:40,338 --> 00:01:43,595 I discovered that laid buried in Laszlo's 39 00:01:43,620 --> 00:01:46,984 library of precious volumes for years and years. 40 00:01:47,009 --> 00:01:48,355 This book has 41 00:01:48,380 --> 00:01:51,327 taught me to focus on what is really important, 42 00:01:51,352 --> 00:01:55,680 like who is okay and who is not okay. 43 00:01:55,705 --> 00:01:57,415 Thank you for sharing, Guillermo. 44 00:01:57,440 --> 00:01:59,241 You are okay. 45 00:01:59,266 --> 00:02:02,769 - I didn't say anything yet. - Then that is okay. 46 00:02:02,794 --> 00:02:05,852 Okay. I want to talk about something very important. 47 00:02:05,877 --> 00:02:07,979 If this about my sexual intercourse, 48 00:02:08,004 --> 00:02:09,806 I saw the doctor and took the test. 49 00:02:09,831 --> 00:02:11,490 No, that was a Cosmo quiz that you took 50 00:02:11,514 --> 00:02:13,616 called "Which Sex and the City Icon Are You?" 51 00:02:13,641 --> 00:02:16,044 - And I was Kim Cattrall. - Ooh. 52 00:02:16,069 --> 00:02:17,147 - Ooh. - Now, I haven't got a clue who 53 00:02:17,171 --> 00:02:18,219 that is, but as long as she's sexy 54 00:02:18,243 --> 00:02:20,220 and down to fuck, bingo. 55 00:02:20,245 --> 00:02:22,399 - Fine diagnosis. - Okay, the thing I want to talk about is 56 00:02:22,423 --> 00:02:23,757 - vampire safety. - Go on. 57 00:02:23,782 --> 00:02:25,193 You're all becoming very sloppy 58 00:02:25,217 --> 00:02:27,054 covering your vampirisms in public, okay? 59 00:02:27,079 --> 00:02:28,024 It's becoming very dangerous. 60 00:02:28,048 --> 00:02:29,688 What is the big deal? 61 00:02:29,721 --> 00:02:31,356 If anyone notices, we just hypnotize them 62 00:02:31,389 --> 00:02:32,650 - like we always do. - No, 63 00:02:32,674 --> 00:02:34,253 you've been doing that way too much lately. 64 00:02:34,277 --> 00:02:38,081 Yes, but I have getting really okay at it. 65 00:02:39,242 --> 00:02:41,070 - You okay? - I am fine. 66 00:02:41,095 --> 00:02:43,173 No, no, no. No, no. 67 00:02:43,198 --> 00:02:46,601 You will all forget 68 00:02:46,626 --> 00:02:50,197 that someone tripped and who it was. 69 00:02:50,222 --> 00:02:52,094 I just fear that the hypnosis is making 70 00:02:52,118 --> 00:02:53,586 the borough dumber and dumber. 71 00:02:53,635 --> 00:02:56,454 We live in Staten Island. Nobody will notice. 72 00:02:56,479 --> 00:02:58,882 There are just some things you will never understand 73 00:02:58,907 --> 00:03:01,610 - because you're not a vampire. - Yeah. 74 00:03:01,775 --> 00:03:03,566 - Very good point. - - Precisely. 75 00:03:03,590 --> 00:03:05,225 But even if I was a vampire, I... 76 00:03:10,254 --> 00:03:13,424 We are not laughing with you, we are laughing at you. 77 00:03:13,449 --> 00:03:15,251 You know what? Enough, okay? 78 00:03:15,300 --> 00:03:17,320 Don't count on me to always be here to protect you. 79 00:03:17,345 --> 00:03:19,173 I'm not gonna be around forever. 80 00:03:19,198 --> 00:03:21,233 Really? Where will you go, David Attenborough? 81 00:03:21,258 --> 00:03:22,546 - Right now? - Yes. 82 00:03:22,571 --> 00:03:24,410 - Out of this room. - Oh, finally. 83 00:03:24,438 --> 00:03:26,001 And that is okay. 84 00:03:26,026 --> 00:03:28,328 Look, guys, please, can I just have, like, a minute? 85 00:03:28,353 --> 00:03:30,190 Please, can... You know what, fine. 86 00:03:30,215 --> 00:03:31,759 Fine. Let's get this over with. 87 00:03:32,384 --> 00:03:33,451 Lock the door. 88 00:03:33,485 --> 00:03:34,595 Lock the... Please look the door. 89 00:03:34,619 --> 00:03:36,688 So, yeah, 16 days ago, 90 00:03:36,713 --> 00:03:39,483 I made an impulsive decision to have Derek... 91 00:03:39,508 --> 00:03:40,680 Make me a vampire. 92 00:03:41,090 --> 00:03:42,324 Sure, man. 93 00:03:43,461 --> 00:03:45,406 - Oh. Whoa. Not yet, sorry. - Just a... 94 00:03:45,430 --> 00:03:47,799 I know, but just gonna take my... 95 00:03:47,832 --> 00:03:49,275 - cardigan off. - Yeah, of course, of course. 96 00:03:49,299 --> 00:03:50,601 Just don't want anything on it. 97 00:03:50,626 --> 00:03:52,027 - My grandma gave it to me. - Mm. 98 00:03:52,052 --> 00:03:53,220 And... 99 00:03:53,267 --> 00:03:54,668 I was a little nervous at first, 100 00:03:54,703 --> 00:03:57,651 and your first time I guess always... is? 101 00:03:57,676 --> 00:04:00,712 Uh... Okay. 102 00:04:00,745 --> 00:04:01,580 - Here we are. - Yes. 103 00:04:01,613 --> 00:04:02,714 - Yeah. - Yeah. 104 00:04:04,617 --> 00:04:05,851 I'm ready. 105 00:04:08,389 --> 00:04:09,624 Derek, 106 00:04:09,649 --> 00:04:11,431 customer toilet is clogged again. 107 00:04:11,456 --> 00:04:12,667 You know what? I got to take care of this. 108 00:04:12,691 --> 00:04:13,825 Wait, what? Now? 109 00:04:13,858 --> 00:04:15,516 If I don't do it now, people just go 110 00:04:15,541 --> 00:04:17,371 on top of what's already there, and believe me, 111 00:04:17,395 --> 00:04:18,506 - then no one's happy. - Derek, 112 00:04:18,530 --> 00:04:20,516 later. After... 113 00:04:20,541 --> 00:04:21,886 Oh, yes, of course, yes. 114 00:04:21,910 --> 00:04:22,810 You know what? Trevor's always telling me 115 00:04:22,834 --> 00:04:23,811 I have bad task management 116 00:04:23,835 --> 00:04:25,070 skills, you know? 117 00:04:25,103 --> 00:04:27,105 First, turn you into a vampire. 118 00:04:27,138 --> 00:04:29,421 - Yes. - Then I'll clean the toilets. 119 00:04:29,446 --> 00:04:30,905 I'm ready. 120 00:04:30,930 --> 00:04:32,285 Derek moved in, 121 00:04:32,310 --> 00:04:34,246 and finally... 122 00:04:37,382 --> 00:04:39,651 What are you doing? 123 00:04:41,419 --> 00:04:44,952 Just... showing off your... your sound machine. 124 00:04:44,977 --> 00:04:46,391 Why do you have it on 125 00:04:46,424 --> 00:04:49,227 "rainy night at the leaky castle" setting? 126 00:04:49,261 --> 00:04:51,196 Ah... 127 00:04:51,229 --> 00:04:53,398 The creatures of the night. 128 00:04:53,431 --> 00:04:56,535 Such beautiful music they make. 129 00:04:56,568 --> 00:05:00,238 It also has a setting for "banshee wail" 130 00:05:00,272 --> 00:05:03,208 - It's white noise. - And "abandoned orphanage." 131 00:05:03,241 --> 00:05:04,418 "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star." 132 00:05:04,442 --> 00:05:06,545 - Very creepy. - Master, is there something that 133 00:05:06,578 --> 00:05:08,446 you needed to discuss with me? 134 00:05:08,480 --> 00:05:10,482 Yes. 135 00:05:10,515 --> 00:05:12,551 There is. 136 00:05:14,653 --> 00:05:16,121 Guillermo... 137 00:05:16,154 --> 00:05:18,790 we know why you have been acting so 138 00:05:18,823 --> 00:05:21,092 oddly lately. 139 00:05:21,126 --> 00:05:22,561 - You do? - Mm. 140 00:05:22,594 --> 00:05:24,696 Are you-are you mad? 141 00:05:24,729 --> 00:05:26,565 Yes. 142 00:05:26,598 --> 00:05:29,201 We are mad at ourselves 143 00:05:29,234 --> 00:05:31,670 for forgetting your birthday. 144 00:05:31,703 --> 00:05:35,373 I am okay and you are okay, but this is not okay. 145 00:05:35,407 --> 00:05:36,508 For a human, 146 00:05:36,541 --> 00:05:39,077 a birthday is a terrible day. 147 00:05:39,110 --> 00:05:42,414 - We have forgotten his birthday. - Oh, yes. 148 00:05:42,447 --> 00:05:44,625 No, I really don't think it's about his birthday. 149 00:05:44,649 --> 00:05:47,285 And if it is, what a bitch. 150 00:05:47,319 --> 00:05:49,654 - When is his birthday? - Uh... 151 00:05:49,688 --> 00:05:51,723 I don't know, to be honest. 152 00:05:51,756 --> 00:05:53,334 Poor creatures only live for, like, 153 00:05:53,358 --> 00:05:56,127 two, 300 years, tops. 154 00:05:56,161 --> 00:05:58,029 So we are taking you out for a birthday dinner. 155 00:05:58,063 --> 00:06:00,599 Change into your nicest shitty sweater 156 00:06:00,632 --> 00:06:02,543 - and we will see you at the restaurant. - What... 157 00:06:02,567 --> 00:06:04,035 What restaurant? 158 00:06:09,541 --> 00:06:11,776 So, full disclosure: 159 00:06:11,830 --> 00:06:15,046 I am back in the workforce. 160 00:06:15,080 --> 00:06:18,783 I'm Colin Robinson. I'll be taking your order today. 161 00:06:18,817 --> 00:06:22,103 So, what are we thinking about munching on? 162 00:06:22,128 --> 00:06:25,365 I decided to take a break from the office life. 163 00:06:25,390 --> 00:06:28,760 How about we set you two up with some pro-sexy? 164 00:06:28,793 --> 00:06:31,596 It's a fun way of saying prosecco. 165 00:06:31,630 --> 00:06:33,074 Prosecco is... 166 00:06:33,098 --> 00:06:36,067 Simply because the opportunities to feed 167 00:06:36,101 --> 00:06:40,505 in the service industry are so incredible. 168 00:06:40,539 --> 00:06:42,474 Dressing on the side. Ugh. 169 00:06:42,507 --> 00:06:44,442 Uh, I can ask the chef, 170 00:06:44,476 --> 00:06:47,045 but it's probably a no go. 171 00:06:47,070 --> 00:06:48,747 - I hate to see you cry. - I'm not crying. 172 00:06:48,780 --> 00:06:50,506 I just... I want... 173 00:06:50,531 --> 00:06:51,953 Pardon my reach. 174 00:06:51,978 --> 00:06:53,718 Oops. 175 00:06:53,752 --> 00:06:55,587 Just wanted to check in on you two, 176 00:06:55,612 --> 00:06:57,352 see how everything's tasting. 177 00:06:57,385 --> 00:06:59,766 Think about desert. 178 00:06:59,791 --> 00:07:01,609 - Strip steak. - Uh-huh. 179 00:07:01,634 --> 00:07:03,289 Medium-well. 180 00:07:03,314 --> 00:07:06,464 The Caesar salad but with no croutons. 181 00:07:06,498 --> 00:07:08,733 Are you sure you're getting all this? 182 00:07:08,767 --> 00:07:11,570 Yeah, I-I never write anything down. 183 00:07:11,603 --> 00:07:14,072 I got it. I think I know you want. 184 00:07:14,105 --> 00:07:15,473 Bon appétit. 185 00:07:17,634 --> 00:07:19,795 Hey, folks, my name is Colin. 186 00:07:19,820 --> 00:07:21,922 I'll be your server this evening. 187 00:07:21,947 --> 00:07:23,634 Has your whole party arrived? 188 00:07:23,659 --> 00:07:26,771 No. Tonight, Gizmo arrives upon an Uber. 189 00:07:26,818 --> 00:07:29,588 - Mm-hmm. - Okay. They're really not supposed to 190 00:07:29,621 --> 00:07:31,711 seat you until your entire party has arrived. 191 00:07:31,736 --> 00:07:34,277 Can I ask you to go stand in the crowded alcove 192 00:07:34,302 --> 00:07:35,945 where the cigarette smoke comes in? 193 00:07:35,970 --> 00:07:38,096 Fuck off. Just get us anything 194 00:07:38,129 --> 00:07:39,564 so it looks like we're eating. 195 00:07:39,589 --> 00:07:42,875 Okey dokey, jalapeño poppers, jalapeño poppers, 196 00:07:42,900 --> 00:07:44,118 jalapeño poppers, 197 00:07:44,143 --> 00:07:46,680 and one more per la tavola. 198 00:07:46,705 --> 00:07:50,041 Koúkla mou, do you want to come up and join us? 199 00:07:50,075 --> 00:07:52,210 No, I hate you and I want to die. 200 00:07:52,244 --> 00:07:54,179 When I was running the vampire nightclub 201 00:07:54,228 --> 00:07:56,648 I may have got a little bit 202 00:07:56,673 --> 00:07:58,648 too much into the old, uh, 203 00:07:58,673 --> 00:07:59,508 liquor blood. 204 00:08:01,653 --> 00:08:04,916 And then, one night, I got so shit off my faced... 205 00:08:05,793 --> 00:08:07,828 that I sat on my dolly 206 00:08:07,853 --> 00:08:10,398 and I minced her legs with my wagon. 207 00:08:10,423 --> 00:08:12,030 Don't be such a Debbie Downer. 208 00:08:12,055 --> 00:08:14,900 - Come and join in the human birthday party. - Yes, eh? 209 00:08:14,925 --> 00:08:17,328 What you've done to my legs is unforgivable. 210 00:08:17,353 --> 00:08:20,033 Nadja absolutely crushed my lower body. 211 00:08:20,071 --> 00:08:21,711 There's nothing wrong with my butt. 212 00:08:21,736 --> 00:08:23,775 Eh, I'll be the judge of that. 213 00:08:23,808 --> 00:08:25,510 And Colin Robinson's solution 214 00:08:25,544 --> 00:08:29,047 is something I very much do not like. 215 00:08:29,080 --> 00:08:31,423 Come on, you can be the queen of the restaurant, huh? 216 00:08:31,448 --> 00:08:32,891 - Push the button, my darling. - Don't you dare 217 00:08:32,916 --> 00:08:34,462 press the button on my toe. 218 00:08:34,487 --> 00:08:36,155 Oh, come on, it's so fun. 219 00:08:36,180 --> 00:08:37,748 - ♪ I feel good... ♪ - [Laszlo laughing] 220 00:08:37,773 --> 00:08:39,000 No! I don't actually feel good at all! 221 00:08:39,025 --> 00:08:40,759 ♪ I knew that I would, now... ♪ 222 00:08:40,792 --> 00:08:43,595 I will never forgive you for destroying my... ♪ I feel good ♪ 223 00:08:43,628 --> 00:08:46,331 - Wow! Peekaboo! Queen of Soul in the house. - ♪ So good... ♪ 224 00:08:46,364 --> 00:08:48,309 -Fuck-fuck-fuck you all! ♪ So good ♪ -[Laszlo] I think so. 225 00:08:48,333 --> 00:08:50,016 ♪ I got you. ♪ Ow! 226 00:08:50,041 --> 00:08:51,609 Ow! Stop! 227 00:08:51,634 --> 00:08:53,471 Put me back under the table. 228 00:08:53,505 --> 00:08:55,740 - Oh, what have I done? - You know what you did. 229 00:08:55,774 --> 00:08:57,318 You're never going to forgive me, are you? 230 00:08:58,343 --> 00:08:59,511 Colin Robinson. 231 00:08:59,544 --> 00:09:00,883 - Yes, sir? - Are those 232 00:09:00,908 --> 00:09:04,216 "yalapeño" whatevers... Are they coming any time soon? 233 00:09:04,249 --> 00:09:06,084 Oh, I'll ask your server to check on those. 234 00:09:06,117 --> 00:09:07,352 I thought you were our server. 235 00:09:07,385 --> 00:09:09,087 I'm on break. 236 00:09:09,120 --> 00:09:11,723 - My darling, what is on your mind? - Yes. 237 00:09:11,756 --> 00:09:14,192 It's nothing, I just... 238 00:09:14,226 --> 00:09:15,736 I can't get something out of my mind that 239 00:09:15,760 --> 00:09:17,696 that little pipsqueak Gizmo said about 240 00:09:17,729 --> 00:09:20,509 not being around forever. 241 00:09:20,534 --> 00:09:22,636 I mean, he could mean that he's gonna die soon. 242 00:09:22,661 --> 00:09:24,196 - Right. - That's something that, uh, 243 00:09:24,221 --> 00:09:25,531 - humans do. - All the time. 244 00:09:25,556 --> 00:09:27,172 Or he could get his old job 245 00:09:27,205 --> 00:09:28,506 at Panera Bread back. 246 00:09:28,540 --> 00:09:30,575 That's another thing all humans do 247 00:09:30,609 --> 00:09:32,577 - at some point. Or... - Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. 248 00:09:32,611 --> 00:09:36,580 I suppose eventually, perhaps, he could... 249 00:09:37,515 --> 00:09:39,451 become a vampire himself. 250 00:09:39,484 --> 00:09:41,786 Fuck, no. 251 00:09:41,820 --> 00:09:45,223 - What an idiot. - It could happen. It could happen. 252 00:09:45,257 --> 00:09:47,885 I don't understand why. Why do you keep asking that? 253 00:09:47,910 --> 00:09:49,746 You were there, you saw what happened. 254 00:09:49,771 --> 00:09:50,922 - Why are we going to... - Guillermo, we're just trying to 255 00:09:50,947 --> 00:09:52,497 understand it from your point of view. 256 00:09:52,531 --> 00:09:54,008 Derek leaned in... 257 00:09:54,033 --> 00:09:54,953 Wait, stop! 258 00:09:54,978 --> 00:09:56,568 - Oh, what?! - Sorry. 259 00:09:56,601 --> 00:09:58,016 Have you done this before? 260 00:09:58,041 --> 00:10:00,171 Yeah. Tons of ti... 261 00:10:00,205 --> 00:10:01,653 Like, many dozens of times. 262 00:10:01,678 --> 00:10:02,879 - Derek. - I'm... No. 263 00:10:02,904 --> 00:10:05,525 I haven't. No. Um, have you? 264 00:10:06,275 --> 00:10:08,477 Why doesn't Andy just do this? 265 00:10:08,502 --> 00:10:11,205 - Who? - Your master. 266 00:10:11,650 --> 00:10:13,195 You mean Nandor? 267 00:10:13,220 --> 00:10:15,133 Oh... Okay. 268 00:10:15,158 --> 00:10:17,008 That clears up so much for me. 269 00:10:17,033 --> 00:10:18,356 I mean, I kept thinking, 270 00:10:18,390 --> 00:10:20,458 "A vampire named Andy? That's so random." 271 00:10:20,492 --> 00:10:21,669 It's not like he doesn't want to. 272 00:10:21,693 --> 00:10:23,061 It's, like, he always says 273 00:10:23,111 --> 00:10:25,230 he's gonna get around to it, you know? 274 00:10:25,263 --> 00:10:27,065 He actually cares about me a lot, 275 00:10:27,098 --> 00:10:28,333 and he does a lot of 276 00:10:28,366 --> 00:10:30,468 - really nice things for me. - Oh. 277 00:10:35,140 --> 00:10:36,981 Oh, sorry, I'm just pausing. 278 00:10:37,006 --> 00:10:38,675 It's for the editors. 279 00:10:38,700 --> 00:10:40,320 They insert, probably, like, a cute montage or something, 280 00:10:40,345 --> 00:10:41,805 of all the stuff he's done for me 281 00:10:41,830 --> 00:10:44,593 - over the years, so, might take a second. - Okay. 282 00:10:44,618 --> 00:10:45,852 - Oh, okay. - Yeah. 283 00:10:52,865 --> 00:10:54,500 Are you sure you want to do this? 284 00:10:54,525 --> 00:10:55,660 Yes. 285 00:10:55,694 --> 00:10:57,922 No, I still absolutely want to be a vampire. 286 00:10:57,947 --> 00:10:59,141 I just didn't think it would 287 00:10:59,166 --> 00:11:00,732 - happen like this. - Mm. 288 00:11:00,765 --> 00:11:03,070 I don't know, maybe it's, like, deep down inside, 289 00:11:03,095 --> 00:11:04,398 my psyche is just telling me that 290 00:11:04,423 --> 00:11:07,281 I'm really not ready to, like... 291 00:11:07,306 --> 00:11:09,875 Oh, shit! What the fuck are you doing?! 292 00:11:09,900 --> 00:11:12,477 Oh, oh, oh. 293 00:11:12,510 --> 00:11:14,125 I'm sorry, I-I thought you said you were ready. 294 00:11:14,150 --> 00:11:15,602 I wasn't ready! 295 00:11:15,627 --> 00:11:17,280 I heard "ready!" I just heard "ready!" 296 00:11:17,305 --> 00:11:18,518 I think he hit an artery. 297 00:11:18,543 --> 00:11:19,473 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! 298 00:11:19,498 --> 00:11:20,766 ¡Puta madre! 299 00:11:20,791 --> 00:11:22,236 Oh! 300 00:11:22,261 --> 00:11:24,539 And it was just like... 301 00:11:24,564 --> 00:11:28,628 Aah! Fucking shit! Oh! 302 00:11:28,653 --> 00:11:30,154 Be honest with me. Is it bad? 303 00:11:30,179 --> 00:11:31,388 Hold still, let me look. 304 00:11:31,426 --> 00:11:32,961 Uh, yeah, it's bad. 305 00:11:32,986 --> 00:11:35,200 Oh! ¡Puta madre! 306 00:11:35,263 --> 00:11:36,805 Okay, I got to drink your blood. 307 00:11:36,830 --> 00:11:38,852 Ooh. That is gonna be a sticking point for me. 308 00:11:38,877 --> 00:11:41,159 - Why is that? - Because I'm a bit of a fainter. 309 00:11:41,184 --> 00:11:43,019 - I have low blood pressure. - What? 310 00:11:44,048 --> 00:11:46,330 If I'm being honest, you people can be real parasites. 311 00:11:46,355 --> 00:11:47,990 I mean, why do I need to repeat myself? 312 00:11:48,015 --> 00:11:49,883 You were there, you saw the blood. 313 00:11:49,908 --> 00:11:51,759 - Thank you so much, and I will be giving you five stars. - Yeah. 314 00:11:51,783 --> 00:11:54,209 And you know what? I'm done. I'm off to my birthday dinner 315 00:11:54,234 --> 00:11:55,278 when it's not really my birthday. 316 00:11:55,303 --> 00:11:56,437 Imagine Guillermo 317 00:11:56,462 --> 00:11:59,224 flying around in his little short legs. 318 00:11:59,249 --> 00:12:01,359 - I enjoy that joke. - That's made my night. 319 00:12:01,393 --> 00:12:03,546 What's so funny? What'd I miss? 320 00:12:03,571 --> 00:12:05,640 Hey, gang. 321 00:12:06,682 --> 00:12:09,652 Hi. Do you mind if I borrow? Thank you so much. 322 00:12:09,677 --> 00:12:11,312 - That's me. - What's so funny? 323 00:12:11,337 --> 00:12:12,604 Oh, nothing. 324 00:12:12,637 --> 00:12:14,914 We were doing the joke where we imagine 325 00:12:14,939 --> 00:12:17,445 that you have become a vampire. 326 00:12:17,470 --> 00:12:20,056 I don't know why that's so laughable. 327 00:12:20,081 --> 00:12:22,614 - Could you imagine Grahame as a vampire? - I know! 328 00:12:22,647 --> 00:12:25,350 He would be just a little bat with diarrhea, like... 329 00:12:25,383 --> 00:12:27,519 Flying and then... 330 00:12:27,552 --> 00:12:29,654 Why do I always shit in your scenarios? 331 00:12:29,688 --> 00:12:31,727 Guillermo, I'm sorry. Eventually, of course, 332 00:12:31,752 --> 00:12:34,289 I will definitely be turning you into a vampire 333 00:12:34,314 --> 00:12:35,841 when the time is right. 334 00:12:35,866 --> 00:12:38,001 But you got to admit, it's a funny image. 335 00:12:39,220 --> 00:12:41,133 With the big glasses. 336 00:12:41,158 --> 00:12:43,210 Or a shitty woolen cape. 337 00:12:43,243 --> 00:12:44,644 What if-what if I didn't wait 338 00:12:44,669 --> 00:12:46,777 till I felt like you thought the time was right? 339 00:12:46,802 --> 00:12:48,992 - What do you mean? - What if, hypothetically, 340 00:12:49,017 --> 00:12:51,076 walking down the street, and then Dracula... 341 00:12:51,110 --> 00:12:53,778 - - Dracula? - He says, 342 00:12:53,812 --> 00:12:56,829 "Do you want me to make you into a vampire?" 343 00:12:57,482 --> 00:12:59,759 And I said yes? 344 00:13:06,028 --> 00:13:10,432 A familiar going to a vampire who is not his master 345 00:13:10,457 --> 00:13:12,359 and asking him to turn him? 346 00:13:12,384 --> 00:13:15,734 Now, I am a fan of edgy comedy, 347 00:13:15,759 --> 00:13:17,702 but that is no laughing matter. 348 00:13:17,736 --> 00:13:19,282 I'm not entirely sure we should be 349 00:13:19,306 --> 00:13:21,439 talking about any of this out loud. 350 00:13:21,473 --> 00:13:22,457 But it's okay. 351 00:13:22,481 --> 00:13:23,751 I was just saying hypothetically. 352 00:13:23,775 --> 00:13:25,241 Hypothetically, 353 00:13:25,266 --> 00:13:26,534 what you are talking about 354 00:13:26,559 --> 00:13:28,511 is the greatest humiliation 355 00:13:28,536 --> 00:13:32,043 a familiar could bestow upon his master. 356 00:13:33,418 --> 00:13:35,762 If that were to happen, Guillermo... 357 00:13:38,472 --> 00:13:40,356 then I will kill you. 358 00:13:41,567 --> 00:13:44,370 I would not like to do it, but I would have to do it. 359 00:13:44,395 --> 00:13:46,253 And then I would kill myself, 360 00:13:46,278 --> 00:13:48,200 which I would not like either. 361 00:13:48,233 --> 00:13:51,167 There are some things about which 362 00:13:51,192 --> 00:13:53,836 we do not joke. 363 00:13:53,861 --> 00:13:55,097 Obee-kaybee. 364 00:13:55,122 --> 00:13:58,210 I have six plates of veggie dumplings 365 00:13:58,243 --> 00:13:59,792 and a chocolate pudding. 366 00:13:59,817 --> 00:14:02,600 - That looks... - Mm, brown. 367 00:14:02,625 --> 00:14:05,364 - Thank you. - ...like shit. 368 00:14:10,770 --> 00:14:15,023 Well, it was a nice dinner, so you have had a 369 00:14:15,048 --> 00:14:17,017 to distract you from the fact you will soon die. 370 00:14:17,042 --> 00:14:18,878 - You are welcome. - Hear, hear. Well said. 371 00:14:18,903 --> 00:14:20,690 And, for your birthday wish, 372 00:14:20,715 --> 00:14:23,409 we all promise to do a much better job 373 00:14:23,434 --> 00:14:25,917 of blending in, as you requested. 374 00:14:25,942 --> 00:14:27,573 I guess I'll see you back at the hou... 375 00:14:27,621 --> 00:14:30,238 Okay. I'm just gonna get some stuff at the mall. 376 00:14:31,235 --> 00:14:33,404 What is "mawrl?" 377 00:14:35,151 --> 00:14:36,997 I have heard - Oh, ho! 378 00:14:37,021 --> 00:14:39,972 About this thing called mall. 379 00:14:39,997 --> 00:14:43,418 But I thought it was a myth, a rumor, 380 00:14:43,443 --> 00:14:46,933 a fairy tale made up by an insane child. 381 00:14:46,958 --> 00:14:48,603 - This, I have to see. - Maybe I shouldn't 382 00:14:48,627 --> 00:14:50,538 have mentioned anything about the mall. That's on me. 383 00:14:50,562 --> 00:14:52,191 I take responsibility for that. 384 00:14:52,216 --> 00:14:55,136 Okay, this is the mall. 385 00:14:55,161 --> 00:14:59,003 Just sit down and people-watch, do whatever you want 386 00:14:59,028 --> 00:15:00,160 while sitting down. 387 00:15:00,185 --> 00:15:02,816 I'm gonna get some new glasses and a footlocker 388 00:15:02,841 --> 00:15:04,548 - and then we can go home. - It is rising! 389 00:15:04,573 --> 00:15:05,715 - That's an elevator. - Ah. 390 00:15:05,739 --> 00:15:07,316 So just stay here. 391 00:15:07,341 --> 00:15:09,933 - Great. - Yes, we understand. - Okay, great. 392 00:15:09,958 --> 00:15:11,460 - I'll be right back. - All right. Yeah. 393 00:15:11,484 --> 00:15:13,094 I'm gonna get you some new knickers. 394 00:15:13,118 --> 00:15:14,488 What is Sephora? 395 00:15:14,513 --> 00:15:18,074 Gilly's Gifts. Very nice. 396 00:15:18,099 --> 00:15:20,233 This mall has a Guillermo's Gifts? 397 00:15:20,349 --> 00:15:22,761 Uh, I'm not sure. 398 00:15:22,786 --> 00:15:25,488 That is fine. I will explore. 399 00:15:25,513 --> 00:15:28,691 I would like you to tell me more about this product. 400 00:15:28,716 --> 00:15:30,756 - Well, that's Shrek. - Great. 401 00:15:30,781 --> 00:15:31,816 Ring me up. 402 00:15:31,841 --> 00:15:33,104 And also... 403 00:15:33,138 --> 00:15:36,565 I would like you to honor these special coupons. 404 00:15:36,590 --> 00:15:38,674 I will honor this coupon 405 00:15:38,699 --> 00:15:40,925 for a free oil change 406 00:15:40,950 --> 00:15:43,582 that expired 18 years ago, 407 00:15:43,607 --> 00:15:45,574 - Yes. - And this one that's 408 00:15:45,599 --> 00:15:50,130 just a cut-out photo of Ryan Seacrest from a magazine. 409 00:15:51,505 --> 00:15:53,902 - Will it work? - Yes, of course it will work. 410 00:15:53,927 --> 00:15:57,323 We are going to fix this, and this is how we do it. 411 00:15:57,348 --> 00:15:58,625 Sorry about that. 412 00:15:58,693 --> 00:16:00,644 - So, did we make a selection? - Yes. 413 00:16:00,669 --> 00:16:03,519 I am looking for the exact proportions of 414 00:16:03,544 --> 00:16:06,933 Venus herself when her pussy was serving witches tea, 415 00:16:06,958 --> 00:16:09,527 nipples so sharp they're on the most wanted list, 416 00:16:09,552 --> 00:16:12,199 and a taint that can sign its own checks. 417 00:16:12,224 --> 00:16:16,269 Uh... I meant more like, which hat did you want? 418 00:16:16,294 --> 00:16:19,568 Oh, yes. Rainbow sombrero for sure. 419 00:16:19,593 --> 00:16:20,761 Okay. 420 00:16:20,786 --> 00:16:22,785 What is wrong now? 421 00:16:22,810 --> 00:16:26,198 You didn't even ask for my opinion. 422 00:16:26,223 --> 00:16:27,925 What the hell are you talking about? 423 00:16:27,950 --> 00:16:30,082 Did you not hear what I said about the taint? 424 00:16:30,107 --> 00:16:33,472 Malls are fascinating places full of fascinating things. 425 00:16:34,805 --> 00:16:36,214 That's a baby village. 426 00:16:36,239 --> 00:16:38,161 Makes sense to keep them all in one place. 427 00:16:38,186 --> 00:16:39,353 That's called London Shoes. 428 00:16:39,378 --> 00:16:41,639 Now, if those shoes were really from London, 429 00:16:41,664 --> 00:16:43,332 they'd be covered in shit. 430 00:16:43,357 --> 00:16:44,746 Bikini Warehouse. 431 00:16:44,771 --> 00:16:47,701 - Must be a front for a brothel. - Excuse me. 432 00:16:47,726 --> 00:16:50,178 - Hi. Would you like to sample our new scent, Noir? - No, fuck off. 433 00:16:50,202 --> 00:16:53,497 Can't be sidetracked with cheap sex potions. 434 00:16:53,522 --> 00:16:54,689 Question still remains. 435 00:16:54,714 --> 00:16:56,632 What is Gizmo up to? 436 00:17:06,429 --> 00:17:07,497 Hyah! 437 00:17:07,522 --> 00:17:10,224 Prepare to be pillaged! 438 00:17:10,249 --> 00:17:11,818 - Laszlo! - Shut up. 439 00:17:11,843 --> 00:17:13,729 - I found John! - Idiot. 440 00:17:13,754 --> 00:17:14,999 - It's John! - Fucking idiot. 441 00:17:15,023 --> 00:17:18,343 Make this thing go faster! 442 00:17:18,376 --> 00:17:21,112 That was, uh, some pretty heavy stuff at dinner, huh? 443 00:17:22,803 --> 00:17:25,739 Just stuff I did not even, I didn't even... 444 00:17:27,799 --> 00:17:29,201 know. 445 00:17:30,111 --> 00:17:32,013 Sorry. 446 00:17:32,038 --> 00:17:34,359 Where was I? Um... 447 00:17:35,054 --> 00:17:37,724 I was hemorrhaging profusely, uh, about to die. 448 00:17:37,749 --> 00:17:39,949 - You good? - Yeah. 449 00:17:39,974 --> 00:17:41,842 - Yeah, I think so. - Well, that's good. 450 00:17:41,867 --> 00:17:43,685 - 'Cause I haven't done it yet. - Oh, dude. 451 00:17:43,710 --> 00:17:45,963 Other people's blood I'm fine with. 452 00:17:45,988 --> 00:17:47,951 But the sight of my own? No, thank you. 453 00:17:47,976 --> 00:17:49,460 You know, when I think about fainting, I faint. 454 00:17:51,220 --> 00:17:53,322 It's really hard to break the skin. 455 00:17:53,499 --> 00:17:55,378 - Um... - I'm running out of time here, buddy. 456 00:17:55,515 --> 00:17:57,795 Here. Why don't you slice me up with this box cutter? 457 00:17:57,820 --> 00:17:59,281 Are you sure? It's gonna hurt. 458 00:17:59,414 --> 00:18:01,716 - I'm a vampire. I think I can handle it. - Okay. 459 00:18:03,950 --> 00:18:05,619 - Did you do it? - Yeah, I did. 460 00:18:05,644 --> 00:18:06,899 - But don't look because... - Don't look at what? 461 00:18:06,923 --> 00:18:08,273 - Oh, shit. - No, Derek. 462 00:18:08,298 --> 00:18:09,599 No. 463 00:18:14,466 --> 00:18:19,059 The deed is done. The die is cast. 464 00:18:19,084 --> 00:18:20,885 There's no turning... 465 00:18:29,669 --> 00:18:33,002 Derek. Toilet again. 466 00:18:34,353 --> 00:18:35,821 Oh... 467 00:18:36,136 --> 00:18:38,212 Okay, sorry, dude, I got to go take care of this. 468 00:18:38,237 --> 00:18:40,394 Oh, shit. Dude? 469 00:18:40,419 --> 00:18:42,788 Dude? 470 00:18:48,083 --> 00:18:49,551 So, yeah. 471 00:18:51,158 --> 00:18:52,426 That's where we're at. 472 00:18:57,036 --> 00:18:58,171 It seems to be 473 00:18:58,196 --> 00:18:59,698 a process. 474 00:18:59,730 --> 00:19:03,298 I thought the transformation would be faster, 475 00:19:03,323 --> 00:19:05,173 but I haven't drank blood. 476 00:19:05,198 --> 00:19:07,299 I can still eat human foods. 477 00:19:07,324 --> 00:19:11,026 In fact, my appetite for very rare meat is ravenous. 478 00:19:13,959 --> 00:19:16,361 My teeth are totally normal and... 479 00:19:16,386 --> 00:19:18,455 I don't feel any sexier. 480 00:19:18,863 --> 00:19:20,855 I can still go out into the sun. 481 00:19:24,448 --> 00:19:26,250 I can't fly or turn into a bat. 482 00:19:26,275 --> 00:19:27,243 Yet. 483 00:19:27,268 --> 00:19:28,410 Bat! 484 00:19:28,560 --> 00:19:30,036 Human form. 485 00:19:30,406 --> 00:19:31,741 I thought the transformation 486 00:19:31,766 --> 00:19:35,036 would be overnight, but it's been 16 days. 487 00:19:35,061 --> 00:19:36,863 Which is why I've been keeping it a secret. 488 00:19:37,644 --> 00:19:39,123 I was kind of holding off for that big 489 00:19:39,147 --> 00:19:41,182 "wow factor" for the reveal, but at this point, 490 00:19:41,207 --> 00:19:43,019 I don't even think I should tell them because... 491 00:19:43,043 --> 00:19:45,246 - Mr. de la Corz? - Uh, so sorry about that. 492 00:19:45,270 --> 00:19:46,452 De la Cruz? That's me. 493 00:19:46,488 --> 00:19:48,056 - De la Cruz. - Hi. 494 00:19:48,081 --> 00:19:49,459 How long have you been wearing glasses 495 00:19:49,483 --> 00:19:50,484 with this prescription? 496 00:19:50,509 --> 00:19:52,278 Oh, since I was three or four? 497 00:19:52,303 --> 00:19:53,838 I-I don't know who screwed up here, 498 00:19:53,863 --> 00:19:56,966 but you actually don't need glasses at all. 499 00:19:56,991 --> 00:19:58,369 According to the eye exam you just did, 500 00:19:58,393 --> 00:20:00,309 you have 20/20 vision. 501 00:20:00,334 --> 00:20:02,221 It's actually better than 20/20 vision. 502 00:20:02,246 --> 00:20:03,514 - Whoa. - Yeah. 503 00:20:03,688 --> 00:20:05,990 Well, that is... 504 00:20:06,015 --> 00:20:08,951 a super power. 505 00:20:08,976 --> 00:20:11,379 - Wow, that's... Wow. - So, right now, you're wearing 506 00:20:11,413 --> 00:20:13,649 a very strong prescription for no reason. 507 00:20:13,674 --> 00:20:15,126 - Let's stop doing that. - Let's stop doing that. 508 00:20:15,150 --> 00:20:16,295 - Yeah. - Yeah, okay. 509 00:20:16,319 --> 00:20:18,489 Would it be possible to just get a pair 510 00:20:18,614 --> 00:20:20,282 without a prescription? 511 00:20:20,324 --> 00:20:21,502 Just, I don't want people to think 512 00:20:21,526 --> 00:20:24,516 I look... different. 513 00:20:24,541 --> 00:20:27,244 Uh, yeah. Sure. You want the same frames or... 514 00:20:32,432 --> 00:20:34,629 Did you enjoy your birthday? 515 00:20:34,654 --> 00:20:35,896 It was all right, Master. 516 00:20:35,921 --> 00:20:38,018 I guess I wasn't really that hungry. 517 00:20:38,043 --> 00:20:39,835 And that is okay. 518 00:20:39,860 --> 00:20:41,128 Do the other side. 519 00:20:41,153 --> 00:20:43,206 - Master? - Mm-hmm? 520 00:20:43,231 --> 00:20:45,378 If I accidentally 521 00:20:45,403 --> 00:20:47,581 got made into a vampire... 522 00:20:47,606 --> 00:20:48,929 - Mm-hmm? - By somebody else, 523 00:20:48,954 --> 00:20:50,456 you wouldn't really... 524 00:20:51,410 --> 00:20:52,981 kill me, would you? 525 00:20:53,700 --> 00:20:55,754 Accidentally, you say? 526 00:20:56,333 --> 00:20:59,781 - Yes. - Not intentionally? 527 00:21:00,770 --> 00:21:04,190 No, I guess... not. 528 00:21:04,215 --> 00:21:07,378 I'd still have to kill you. What choice would I have? 529 00:21:07,403 --> 00:21:11,377 What about "vampire shall not kill other vampire"? 530 00:21:11,402 --> 00:21:12,887 Guillermo, I don't like 531 00:21:12,912 --> 00:21:15,395 hypothetical brain-ticklers before bedtime. 532 00:21:15,420 --> 00:21:17,088 - You know this. - Right. 533 00:21:17,151 --> 00:21:19,119 Makes my head heat up. 534 00:21:19,152 --> 00:21:24,182 How's about a nice bedtime story? 535 00:21:24,207 --> 00:21:27,227 Okay. I did see this very interesting movie 536 00:21:27,252 --> 00:21:28,620 the other night. 537 00:21:28,645 --> 00:21:31,456 - Oh, tell me. - It was about this guy. 538 00:21:31,481 --> 00:21:34,175 And he got turned into a vampire. 539 00:21:34,200 --> 00:21:35,307 - Really? - Yeah. 540 00:21:35,332 --> 00:21:37,659 But then he realizes that maybe 541 00:21:37,684 --> 00:21:41,002 he wasn't ready to be turned into a vampire. 542 00:21:41,027 --> 00:21:41,995 Why not? 543 00:21:42,908 --> 00:21:45,169 He had his reasons. But then 544 00:21:45,194 --> 00:21:46,771 he tries to find a way to 545 00:21:46,796 --> 00:21:48,515 stop the process of becoming a vampire and rever... 546 00:21:48,539 --> 00:21:49,873 Guillermo, please. 547 00:21:49,898 --> 00:21:52,896 I don't like science-fiction stories 548 00:21:52,921 --> 00:21:54,710 before bedtime either. 549 00:21:55,242 --> 00:21:57,279 - Yeah. - That reminds me. 550 00:21:57,304 --> 00:21:59,756 I got you a birthday present. 551 00:21:59,781 --> 00:22:02,248 I heard you when you said you wanted a footlocker. 552 00:22:02,273 --> 00:22:04,545 So I got you 553 00:22:04,570 --> 00:22:06,474 a footlocker. 554 00:22:06,499 --> 00:22:08,576 - Thank you, Master. - Yes. 555 00:22:08,601 --> 00:22:11,921 You are welcome. Close the lid. 556 00:22:22,968 --> 00:22:25,093 Being a vampire is 557 00:22:25,118 --> 00:22:26,671 no different than being a human. 558 00:22:26,718 --> 00:22:29,601 We're all just doing what it takes to survive. 559 00:22:33,458 --> 00:22:36,061 We go on about our day. 560 00:22:36,109 --> 00:22:37,110 Blend in. 561 00:22:38,857 --> 00:22:40,759 Act like everyone else. 562 00:22:43,193 --> 00:22:45,470 But the truth is 563 00:22:45,814 --> 00:22:48,045 we're all just hiding in plain sight. 564 00:22:49,663 --> 00:22:53,670 ♪ Secrets in the moonlight ♪ 565 00:22:53,695 --> 00:22:58,279 ♪ Whispers in the dark with you ♪ 566 00:22:58,304 --> 00:23:02,006 ♪ Secrets in the moonlight ♪ 567 00:23:02,031 --> 00:23:06,006 ♪ Silent fire kiss or two ♪ 568 00:23:06,031 --> 00:23:09,631 ♪ When there are moonbeams ♪ 569 00:23:09,656 --> 00:23:14,592 ♪ Dancing on your cheek ♪ 570 00:23:14,617 --> 00:23:18,233 ♪ My darling, every dream ♪ 571 00:23:18,258 --> 00:23:20,240 ♪ I've ever had ♪ 572 00:23:20,265 --> 00:23:23,498 ♪ Comes true ♪ 573 00:23:23,523 --> 00:23:28,576 ♪ When I share secrets in the moonlight ♪ 574 00:23:28,601 --> 00:23:35,504 ♪ With you. ♪