1 00:00:01,586 --> 00:00:03,818 "Therapy For Today is a convenient way 2 00:00:03,854 --> 00:00:06,856 "to make sure you're getting the help you need. 3 00:00:06,892 --> 00:00:08,557 "After all, mental health, 4 00:00:08,593 --> 00:00:10,826 "it's something you do for you. 5 00:00:10,862 --> 00:00:13,796 Promo code: ZoomShrink@SexAndTheCity." 6 00:00:13,832 --> 00:00:16,698 Done. And the last one. Sammi? 7 00:00:16,734 --> 00:00:18,604 - Ready. - Mm. 8 00:00:20,438 --> 00:00:23,738 "This is for all my listeners with a vagina. 9 00:00:23,774 --> 00:00:26,707 Ever feel not quite right down there?" 10 00:00:26,743 --> 00:00:31,379 Okay. Uh, I'm feeling not quite right up here. 11 00:00:31,415 --> 00:00:35,250 - What is this? - It's an ad for a vaginal wellness product. 12 00:00:35,286 --> 00:00:36,897 - Yeah, no, I got that part right away. - Did you? 13 00:00:36,921 --> 00:00:39,354 But, uh... "Down there"? 14 00:00:39,390 --> 00:00:41,322 W... Eh... Why is it underlined? 15 00:00:41,358 --> 00:00:43,892 What, just to make it more awkward and obvious? 16 00:00:43,928 --> 00:00:45,528 Well, mission accomplished. 17 00:00:45,564 --> 00:00:47,329 W... Oh, my God. 18 00:00:47,365 --> 00:00:50,368 "But with our vaginal odor suppositories..." 19 00:00:50,734 --> 00:00:55,070 I have spent my entire life going out of my way to never 20 00:00:55,106 --> 00:00:57,339 say the word "suppository." 21 00:00:57,375 --> 00:01:00,175 And now, it's coupled with "vagina." 22 00:01:00,211 --> 00:01:01,556 - Wait. No, no, no, no, no, no. - Certainly is. 23 00:01:01,580 --> 00:01:02,911 Oh, my God, again. 24 00:01:02,947 --> 00:01:06,181 "Promo code: VagAndTheCity." 25 00:01:06,217 --> 00:01:08,417 - Come... I can't. - I'll let 'em know. 26 00:01:08,453 --> 00:01:10,686 - Okay, thank you. - Let's just do the show. 27 00:01:10,722 --> 00:01:12,254 - Let's do the show. - Yeah. 28 00:01:16,127 --> 00:01:18,093 ♪ Got you all hot and bothered ♪ 29 00:01:18,129 --> 00:01:19,727 ♪ Mad 'cause I talk about it ♪ 30 00:01:19,763 --> 00:01:22,197 ♪ I bet you want the goodies ♪ 31 00:01:22,233 --> 00:01:24,068 ♪ Bet you thought about it ♪ 32 00:01:24,635 --> 00:01:27,505 - Ready to be blown? - Am I ever. 33 00:01:27,738 --> 00:01:29,939 ♪ I bet you want the goodies ♪ 34 00:01:29,975 --> 00:01:33,041 How is your romance? How is your man? 35 00:01:33,077 --> 00:01:34,810 Turns out, not my man. 36 00:01:34,846 --> 00:01:37,246 Done. Finito. Too many red flags. 37 00:01:37,282 --> 00:01:39,481 You're always finding red flags. 38 00:01:39,517 --> 00:01:41,784 This one this, that one that. 39 00:01:41,820 --> 00:01:43,618 He still lives with his ex-wife. 40 00:01:43,654 --> 00:01:45,320 Do you know how many mens I dated 41 00:01:45,356 --> 00:01:47,158 who still lives with their wives? 42 00:01:47,491 --> 00:01:50,292 - You are too picky. - I have my standards. 43 00:01:50,328 --> 00:01:52,493 Listen to you. Standards. 44 00:01:52,529 --> 00:01:54,763 You sit in my chairs for 10 years 45 00:01:54,799 --> 00:01:56,999 with your red flags and standards. 46 00:01:57,035 --> 00:01:59,401 No wonder you're still alone. 47 00:02:01,440 --> 00:02:03,075 Oh. Dios mio. 48 00:02:05,110 --> 00:02:08,314 - Juan Jose: I am not done. - I am... Forever. 49 00:02:09,780 --> 00:02:11,850 I pay you to blow me, not shrink me. 50 00:02:26,130 --> 00:02:29,464 Ah, shit. That's my show-writer calling. 51 00:02:29,500 --> 00:02:32,267 - I have to take this. - I'm doin' some of my best work here. 52 00:02:32,303 --> 00:02:33,639 Well, go to the head of the class. 53 00:02:34,640 --> 00:02:36,007 Uh... 54 00:02:36,507 --> 00:02:37,806 Good morning, BD. 55 00:02:37,842 --> 00:02:39,274 Oh, is it? 56 00:02:39,310 --> 00:02:41,510 'Cause the network hates the new pages. 57 00:02:41,546 --> 00:02:42,815 Can you be here by 10? 58 00:02:43,248 --> 00:02:47,849 - Um, okay, in an hour? Oh! - No, 10 o'clock tonight. 59 00:02:47,885 --> 00:02:50,851 Okay, well, um, do, do you have any other time? 60 00:02:50,887 --> 00:02:54,990 No, 'cause today's therapy day and my parents are here. 61 00:02:55,026 --> 00:02:56,357 Not coincidental. 62 00:02:56,393 --> 00:02:59,560 - Oh, shit! - Precisely. 63 00:02:59,596 --> 00:03:01,529 - So you gonna be here? - I guess I can make it. 64 00:03:01,565 --> 00:03:04,132 This isn't a favor. It's your fucking job! 65 00:03:04,168 --> 00:03:07,668 Okay, um, that was so not cool. 66 00:03:07,704 --> 00:03:10,873 It was hot, but it was not cool. 67 00:03:10,909 --> 00:03:12,507 I'll take hot. 68 00:03:12,543 --> 00:03:15,138 Um, okay. Wait. No, no. Oh, God. 69 00:03:15,174 --> 00:03:16,812 I need, I need to meet with this writer. 70 00:03:16,848 --> 00:03:18,580 I am so sorry. 71 00:03:18,616 --> 00:03:20,315 Will you be okay all day? 72 00:03:20,351 --> 00:03:21,849 Don't worry about me. 73 00:03:21,885 --> 00:03:24,653 I'll just find someone else to practice giving head to. 74 00:03:24,689 --> 00:03:26,087 Trust. I don't wanna leave, 75 00:03:26,123 --> 00:03:29,427 but... this, this is important. 76 00:03:29,793 --> 00:03:31,994 The script is getting so cute it's turning into 77 00:03:32,030 --> 00:03:33,496 "You're a Good Queer, Charlie Brown." 78 00:03:35,634 --> 00:03:37,499 It's so weird. 79 00:03:37,535 --> 00:03:40,079 The writer can't seem to wrap their head around my few realism notes, 80 00:03:40,103 --> 00:03:43,038 but can wrap their head around Tony Danza as my Mexican father. 81 00:03:43,074 --> 00:03:44,242 I... 82 00:03:44,375 --> 00:03:46,241 Till next time, I'm Carrie Bradshaw 83 00:03:46,277 --> 00:03:49,044 and this is "Sex and the City." 84 00:03:49,080 --> 00:03:50,578 Franklyn : Great! 85 00:03:50,614 --> 00:03:52,559 I'm pregnant, I have to pee, and I only have a minute. 86 00:03:52,583 --> 00:03:54,349 Why won't you talk about your vagina? 87 00:03:54,385 --> 00:03:56,752 Oh, for so many reasons. 88 00:03:56,788 --> 00:03:58,419 And to be clear, it's not my vagina. 89 00:03:58,455 --> 00:04:00,289 It's everyone's vagina. 90 00:04:00,325 --> 00:04:02,290 - And hello. - Hello, diva. 91 00:04:02,326 --> 00:04:06,394 I am not a diva. I did the therapy, I did the eyelashes. 92 00:04:06,430 --> 00:04:08,930 I held up that vegan purse on Instagram. 93 00:04:08,966 --> 00:04:11,569 My other purses still won't speak to me. 94 00:04:11,902 --> 00:04:14,402 - Hey, what's up, Chloe? - Oh, just trying to save 95 00:04:14,438 --> 00:04:16,574 this flaming Viking ship from sinking. 96 00:04:16,973 --> 00:04:20,708 Would you tell your star it is not the podcast heyday of 2021? 97 00:04:20,744 --> 00:04:22,978 - This shit is drying up. - We're just looking to have 98 00:04:23,014 --> 00:04:25,147 a conversation about that one ad. 99 00:04:25,183 --> 00:04:27,415 When I gave the vaginal wellness commercial 100 00:04:27,451 --> 00:04:29,451 to the guy who does the car podcast, 101 00:04:29,487 --> 00:04:30,487 do you know what he said? 102 00:04:30,521 --> 00:04:32,587 "This is inappropriate, Chloe"? 103 00:04:32,623 --> 00:04:36,892 On air, he said, "My wife suffers from vaginal dryness," 104 00:04:36,928 --> 00:04:38,659 and he's not even married. 105 00:04:38,695 --> 00:04:42,830 - Dude is here for us. - I am, I am here for us, 106 00:04:42,866 --> 00:04:47,169 but... n-no one, no human being speaks like that. 107 00:04:47,205 --> 00:04:48,803 Well, then rewrite the fucker. 108 00:04:48,839 --> 00:04:51,172 Pretend like you're talking to your girlfriends. 109 00:04:51,208 --> 00:04:53,212 Put it in your own diva words. 110 00:04:54,712 --> 00:04:57,449 Just hit the pH balance bullet points. 111 00:04:58,617 --> 00:04:59,848 - Hi Chloe. - Not now. 112 00:04:59,884 --> 00:05:01,116 Gonna talk to her. Don't worry. 113 00:05:01,152 --> 00:05:04,453 Hey, I'll, I'll hold up the vegan purse again. 114 00:05:06,691 --> 00:05:09,324 Thank you... Ooh, gosh. 115 00:05:09,360 --> 00:05:10,691 If Mommy drops this cake, 116 00:05:10,727 --> 00:05:12,595 we'll just turn around and never come back. 117 00:05:15,500 --> 00:05:17,765 - Hey. - It's 3:40 and my mother arrives in 20 minutes, 118 00:05:17,801 --> 00:05:20,602 and... Gabby can't greet her with that hair. 119 00:05:20,638 --> 00:05:22,704 Which is natural and beautiful. 120 00:05:22,740 --> 00:05:24,305 It is. Of course, it is. 121 00:05:24,341 --> 00:05:26,341 It's just Nana prefers it a certain way. 122 00:05:26,377 --> 00:05:27,842 Right, baby? Mwah! 123 00:05:27,878 --> 00:05:29,723 - Nana likes "proper little lady" hair. - That's right. 124 00:05:29,747 --> 00:05:33,383 Well, we have 20 minutes till Eunice and 40 minutes of hair. 125 00:05:35,852 --> 00:05:38,053 Why can't I wear some of Mom's hair over there? 126 00:05:38,089 --> 00:05:39,758 That's for when you grow up. 127 00:05:40,191 --> 00:05:41,722 Thank you for your patience, Gabrielle, 128 00:05:41,758 --> 00:05:44,626 but this kind of stuff is very important to Nana. 129 00:05:44,662 --> 00:05:47,062 When she was a little girl growin' up in North Carolina, 130 00:05:47,098 --> 00:05:50,135 how you presented yourself was everything. 131 00:05:50,869 --> 00:05:53,335 We have 10 minutes. Please pick it up. 132 00:05:53,371 --> 00:05:55,470 You pick it up. I'm killing it over here. 133 00:06:06,717 --> 00:06:08,317 - Oh, God, let's go, let's go. - Come on. 134 00:06:08,352 --> 00:06:09,921 No! 135 00:06:11,289 --> 00:06:12,465 I'm trying to go, baby! 136 00:06:12,489 --> 00:06:13,922 - Put it on! - I'm going! 137 00:06:20,432 --> 00:06:21,864 - Nana! - Mother! 138 00:06:21,900 --> 00:06:22,831 Eunice! 139 00:06:22,867 --> 00:06:26,138 Gabrielle, you look perfect! 140 00:06:27,538 --> 00:06:30,105 I see you just returned from your 141 00:06:30,141 --> 00:06:33,108 matinee performance in "The Lion King." 142 00:06:33,144 --> 00:06:36,344 Yes... and it was a very good show today. 143 00:06:36,380 --> 00:06:37,546 Mm-hmm. 144 00:06:40,251 --> 00:06:41,954 Uh... Okay, go ahead. 145 00:06:45,822 --> 00:06:48,062 - Harry, stop picking. - Just one olive. 146 00:06:48,159 --> 00:06:51,526 So, Mom, Dad, I have a request. 147 00:06:51,562 --> 00:06:54,429 What can the York-Goldenblatt ATM do for you today? 148 00:06:54,465 --> 00:06:57,364 - I need an electric keyboard. - Please say no. 149 00:06:57,400 --> 00:07:01,036 - Honey, you have a Steinway. - I'm taking my music in a new direction. 150 00:07:01,072 --> 00:07:03,038 - I'm writing songs. - Parents, I beg you, 151 00:07:03,074 --> 00:07:06,075 for the sake of all of us, say no. 152 00:07:06,111 --> 00:07:08,277 Rock, stop. All last year 153 00:07:08,313 --> 00:07:10,078 I supported you realizing who you were. 154 00:07:10,114 --> 00:07:12,748 - You did. Fuck! - Hey! 155 00:07:12,784 --> 00:07:13,928 - Hey. - Sorry, I'm just frustrated 156 00:07:13,952 --> 00:07:15,785 that I can't say any more shady things. 157 00:07:15,821 --> 00:07:17,452 Seriously, I need the Nord 158 00:07:17,488 --> 00:07:19,154 and a better audio interface. 159 00:07:19,190 --> 00:07:20,434 I don't know what any of that means, 160 00:07:20,458 --> 00:07:22,057 but here's my translation: 161 00:07:22,093 --> 00:07:23,825 Record on your phone like everybody else. 162 00:07:23,861 --> 00:07:25,460 I'm not everybody else. 163 00:07:25,496 --> 00:07:27,828 - I'm a serious artist. - Oh, my God. 164 00:07:27,864 --> 00:07:30,733 Honey, you have a job playing for classes at ABT, 165 00:07:30,769 --> 00:07:32,467 so just save up. 166 00:07:32,503 --> 00:07:33,735 That'll take forever. 167 00:07:33,771 --> 00:07:36,071 I have something that I need to say now. 168 00:07:36,107 --> 00:07:38,774 So do we. You're on your own, kid, right? 169 00:07:38,810 --> 00:07:41,777 - Am I right? - Yes, yes! Right. 170 00:07:41,813 --> 00:07:43,849 You want it, you find a way. 171 00:07:45,817 --> 00:07:47,016 That'll work. 172 00:07:47,052 --> 00:07:49,179 Nya, come on, you have to admit 173 00:07:49,215 --> 00:07:51,019 that call last week was crazy. 174 00:07:51,055 --> 00:07:52,822 I'll admit I had too much to drink 175 00:07:52,858 --> 00:07:56,825 and it was a... little crazy, 176 00:07:56,861 --> 00:07:59,994 and you admit that you were playing with fire in your motel room. 177 00:08:00,030 --> 00:08:02,542 - Nothin' happened. - I could smell the sex through the phone. 178 00:08:02,566 --> 00:08:04,766 Come on, I copped to crazy. 179 00:08:04,802 --> 00:08:06,805 I didn't finish my sentence. 180 00:08:08,339 --> 00:08:10,172 - Yet. - Yet? 181 00:08:10,208 --> 00:08:12,208 Andre Rashad: Nothin' happened yet. 182 00:08:12,244 --> 00:08:13,679 I see. 183 00:08:14,712 --> 00:08:17,479 - Do you want it to? - Sometimes. 184 00:08:17,515 --> 00:08:20,819 Most times, I want us to work out. 185 00:08:24,388 --> 00:08:27,357 Do you have a plan for how that's gonna happen? 186 00:08:27,393 --> 00:08:28,594 I do. 187 00:08:30,396 --> 00:08:31,930 A surrogate. 188 00:08:34,065 --> 00:08:37,702 Nya? Baby, are you there? 189 00:08:38,269 --> 00:08:41,904 Thanks, Frank. Are there any visitors from out of town 190 00:08:41,940 --> 00:08:44,043 who would like to identify? 191 00:08:45,410 --> 00:08:48,844 Hi, I'm, uh, Miranda, and I'm an alcoholic. 192 00:08:48,880 --> 00:08:50,478 All: Hi, Miranda. 193 00:08:50,514 --> 00:08:53,581 I'm, uh, new to A.A. and L.A. 194 00:08:53,617 --> 00:08:57,418 and I don't have a lot to fill my days with while I'm out here, 195 00:08:57,454 --> 00:09:00,183 so I'm really grateful for these meetings. 196 00:09:00,219 --> 00:09:02,024 - Welcome. - Thanks. 197 00:09:02,060 --> 00:09:04,593 Don: So, does anybody have a topic? 198 00:09:12,303 --> 00:09:16,872 I have not seen a pair of virgin arms like yours in, like, forever. 199 00:09:18,275 --> 00:09:20,175 Seems like you're almost out of space, 200 00:09:20,211 --> 00:09:22,347 so, yes, I do rent. 201 00:09:22,814 --> 00:09:25,180 I'm Allie. Yeah, filling the days 202 00:09:25,216 --> 00:09:27,182 was hard for me too when I first quit, 203 00:09:27,218 --> 00:09:30,018 but I'm volunteering to clean the beach on Friday. 204 00:09:30,054 --> 00:09:33,116 - Offer's open. - W-With like an environmental group? 205 00:09:33,152 --> 00:09:34,790 One of my many, yeah. 206 00:09:34,826 --> 00:09:37,259 My husband calls me an "actor-vist." 207 00:09:37,295 --> 00:09:39,895 I can pick you up. 208 00:09:39,931 --> 00:09:42,601 Oh, that'd be great. Thanks, Allie. 209 00:09:43,334 --> 00:09:46,434 So, how are you feeling about the breakup? 210 00:09:46,470 --> 00:09:49,437 Awful. Juan Jose was my longest relationship. 211 00:09:49,473 --> 00:09:52,107 Ten years of blowouts and confidences. 212 00:09:52,143 --> 00:09:53,143 He's heard it all. 213 00:09:53,178 --> 00:09:56,015 - I meant you and Zed. - Oh, shit. 214 00:09:57,281 --> 00:09:58,717 That says a lot. 215 00:09:59,583 --> 00:10:05,153 All right, let's uncurl the blowout breakup, if it's not too painful. 216 00:10:05,189 --> 00:10:06,722 Well, it is still a little fresh, 217 00:10:06,758 --> 00:10:09,725 but he accused me of bailing out on 218 00:10:09,761 --> 00:10:11,459 all my relationships too soon. 219 00:10:11,495 --> 00:10:14,930 He said I make up red flags just to get out, 220 00:10:14,966 --> 00:10:16,935 and that's why I'm alone? 221 00:10:17,768 --> 00:10:21,737 - He said that to you? - Actually, he screamed it out in his salon. 222 00:10:21,773 --> 00:10:23,472 Do I bail out too quickly? 223 00:10:23,508 --> 00:10:25,340 Well, I don't know about your relationships, 224 00:10:25,376 --> 00:10:29,644 but we have left a lotta host stands pretty quickly. 225 00:10:29,680 --> 00:10:31,446 Yeah, I don't stay longer than 10 minutes. 226 00:10:31,482 --> 00:10:32,493 Look, I do the same thing. 227 00:10:32,517 --> 00:10:35,617 I look for or find, 228 00:10:35,653 --> 00:10:39,687 you know, reasons not to move forward if I'm not 100%. 229 00:10:39,723 --> 00:10:42,191 When I was single, I almost rented a house 230 00:10:42,227 --> 00:10:44,159 in The Hamptons six times, 231 00:10:44,195 --> 00:10:46,494 but I always found a reason not to. 232 00:10:46,530 --> 00:10:49,430 - Was that reason always Bethenny Frankel? - Ha-ha. 233 00:10:49,466 --> 00:10:51,166 Bartender: Here you go. 234 00:10:51,202 --> 00:10:52,935 Okay, let's get real. 235 00:10:52,971 --> 00:10:55,370 And by real, I mean real estate. 236 00:10:55,406 --> 00:10:57,338 Do you know anyone else who still lives... 237 00:10:57,374 --> 00:10:59,808 - With someone they're married to? - Mm. 238 00:10:59,844 --> 00:11:03,145 - Yes. - Okay, so, Zed's not the only one... 239 00:11:03,181 --> 00:11:04,216 Right. 240 00:11:04,816 --> 00:11:06,548 But I think he may be a mooch. 241 00:11:06,584 --> 00:11:09,117 - Hm? - He told his ex-wife to pick up the lunch check. 242 00:11:09,153 --> 00:11:11,986 I just got a feeling, like an uncomfortable feeling. 243 00:11:12,022 --> 00:11:14,325 Well, if you're uncomfortable, you're uncomfortable. 244 00:11:14,825 --> 00:11:17,226 It's like me with the vagina podcast commercial. 245 00:11:17,262 --> 00:11:20,265 - Okay, not at all, but go on. - Okay. 246 00:11:20,598 --> 00:11:22,497 I'm just not... 247 00:11:22,533 --> 00:11:26,468 comfortable pitching a vaginal wellness product. 248 00:11:26,504 --> 00:11:30,338 Ya know? It's just... not in my nature. 249 00:11:30,374 --> 00:11:32,568 - So, I got out of it. - Juan Jose might say 250 00:11:32,604 --> 00:11:34,242 you should work through those feelings. 251 00:11:34,278 --> 00:11:38,784 Juan Jose would scream it. 252 00:11:39,183 --> 00:11:41,249 ♪ Darkness comes, hollow dreams ♪ 253 00:11:41,285 --> 00:11:45,220 ♪ Empty mirrors, I'm unseen ♪ 254 00:11:45,256 --> 00:11:47,422 Ah, ah! Did you not see the recording sign? 255 00:11:47,458 --> 00:11:49,825 Calm down. I'm just grabbing my charger. 256 00:11:49,861 --> 00:11:51,827 Lily, you have that new keyboard. 257 00:11:51,863 --> 00:11:53,495 This is not smart parenting. 258 00:11:53,531 --> 00:11:54,729 I'm gonna kill your father. 259 00:11:54,765 --> 00:11:56,209 Well, that's not smart parenting either 260 00:11:56,233 --> 00:11:57,912 because now you're in prison and we're alone. 261 00:11:57,936 --> 00:11:59,046 Daddy didn't give me the money. 262 00:11:59,070 --> 00:12:01,105 I sold some of my clothes. 263 00:12:01,372 --> 00:12:03,672 I'm sorry... what? 264 00:12:03,708 --> 00:12:04,852 Well, you said to get it myself, 265 00:12:04,876 --> 00:12:06,107 so I called The Real Deal, 266 00:12:06,143 --> 00:12:07,855 and they came over and went through my closet. 267 00:12:07,879 --> 00:12:10,512 Wait... the Real Real was here? 268 00:12:10,548 --> 00:12:13,182 No, no, no, The Real Deal. It's way better. 269 00:12:13,218 --> 00:12:14,753 Oh, my God. 270 00:12:19,324 --> 00:12:20,722 Oh, my God! 271 00:12:21,826 --> 00:12:23,758 It's like The Real Real, 272 00:12:23,794 --> 00:12:27,195 but they're fast, sneaky, and they pay in cash. 273 00:12:27,231 --> 00:12:28,600 You know, like a drug deal. 274 00:12:28,966 --> 00:12:30,933 Yeah, how many drug deals have you seen go down? 275 00:12:30,969 --> 00:12:32,700 This is serious. 276 00:12:32,736 --> 00:12:35,203 I can't believe that Lily's perfect pink Chanel, 277 00:12:35,239 --> 00:12:38,807 the dress I chose for her first grown-up piano recital, 278 00:12:38,843 --> 00:12:40,746 is just out there online. 279 00:12:41,413 --> 00:12:43,311 On sale! 280 00:12:43,347 --> 00:12:44,516 This is blasphemy. 281 00:12:44,916 --> 00:12:46,914 I think that's Lagerfeld's last collection. 282 00:12:46,950 --> 00:12:49,752 In a few years, it will be worth three times that. 283 00:12:49,788 --> 00:12:52,721 Four. I am furious! 284 00:12:52,757 --> 00:12:54,723 - Can I sue? - Your daughter? 285 00:12:54,759 --> 00:12:57,825 No, them. The Real Deal. They broke into our home. 286 00:12:57,861 --> 00:13:00,930 Char, there was no crowbar, there was no forced entry. 287 00:13:00,966 --> 00:13:03,632 They had to be invited in, like vampires. 288 00:13:03,668 --> 00:13:05,633 She is a minor. 289 00:13:05,669 --> 00:13:08,904 They took advantage, and they took my Chanel. 290 00:13:08,940 --> 00:13:10,438 - Uh, excuse me, hi. - Yes? 291 00:13:10,474 --> 00:13:11,774 This iced tea isn't cuttin' it. 292 00:13:11,810 --> 00:13:13,909 Can I get a vodka tonic with a straw? 293 00:13:13,945 --> 00:13:15,444 And a drink for this one, too. 294 00:13:15,480 --> 00:13:16,577 Coming right up. 295 00:13:16,613 --> 00:13:18,280 Why the day drinking, you might ask? 296 00:13:18,316 --> 00:13:19,647 I never ask. 297 00:13:19,683 --> 00:13:21,316 My mother-in-law and her sorority sisters 298 00:13:21,352 --> 00:13:23,184 are coming over for afternoon tea, 299 00:13:23,220 --> 00:13:24,585 and she's the president 300 00:13:24,621 --> 00:13:27,293 of the "comments that cut like a knife" chapter. 301 00:13:27,893 --> 00:13:30,926 I'm just so surprised at Lily. 302 00:13:30,962 --> 00:13:32,628 - It was a gift. - Yes. 303 00:13:32,664 --> 00:13:34,496 - A gift she returned... - Aw. 304 00:13:34,532 --> 00:13:36,097 For something she wanted more. 305 00:13:36,133 --> 00:13:39,033 Like I did with that pinky ring you gave me for my 40th. 306 00:13:39,069 --> 00:13:41,670 - You returned the pinky ring? - What am I, a mob boss? 307 00:13:41,706 --> 00:13:44,373 But... it had that pretty little ruby chip. 308 00:13:44,409 --> 00:13:47,275 Yes. Oddly feminine for a man's ring. 309 00:13:47,311 --> 00:13:49,981 Who's it for, one of the Sopranos? 310 00:13:50,214 --> 00:13:52,848 I remember how the little strap 311 00:13:52,884 --> 00:13:55,150 just fell off Lily's shoulder 312 00:13:55,186 --> 00:13:58,887 just as she was finishing her "Prelude No. 1 in C." 313 00:13:58,923 --> 00:14:01,860 Question: Is this guy hot enough to be one of my Hotfellas? 314 00:14:02,928 --> 00:14:05,360 Oh! Yes. 315 00:14:08,832 --> 00:14:11,534 Hurry, Daddy, get a cab! We don't wanna miss the waltz. 316 00:14:11,570 --> 00:14:13,205 Okay. Taxi! 317 00:14:13,737 --> 00:14:16,107 I wish we were going to hip-hop class. 318 00:14:16,507 --> 00:14:18,743 Oh, Daddy! Daddy, here comes one! 319 00:14:19,510 --> 00:14:22,638 - Yep. - Aren't they supposed to stop if their light is on? 320 00:14:22,674 --> 00:14:24,647 We'll get one, baby. It's okay. 321 00:14:24,683 --> 00:14:27,019 Taxi! Yo! 322 00:14:27,385 --> 00:14:30,389 This never happens when we're with Claire's daddy. 323 00:14:32,123 --> 00:14:34,393 Ladies, meet me on the corner, okay? 324 00:14:35,561 --> 00:14:36,562 Taxi! 325 00:14:37,629 --> 00:14:38,664 Sir. 326 00:14:40,865 --> 00:14:43,469 'Scuse me, sir. You wanna... 327 00:14:46,438 --> 00:14:47,606 Sir? 328 00:14:48,039 --> 00:14:50,238 This is illegal, so unlock the door 329 00:14:50,274 --> 00:14:52,107 or I'll report you. 330 00:14:52,143 --> 00:14:53,412 Hey! 331 00:14:53,979 --> 00:14:56,411 Hello! 332 00:14:56,447 --> 00:14:59,214 - Yeah, you better go! - Sorority Sister: Is that your Herbert?! 333 00:14:59,250 --> 00:15:02,350 Certainly not. Let's go up 3rd, okay? 334 00:15:02,386 --> 00:15:04,590 Hi, Nana! Nana! 335 00:15:19,070 --> 00:15:20,936 Uh... 336 00:15:20,972 --> 00:15:22,805 that's not a cooking show. 337 00:15:22,841 --> 00:15:25,807 No... I'm downloading Final Draft. 338 00:15:25,843 --> 00:15:29,711 The least sexy sentence ever spoken after sex. 339 00:15:29,747 --> 00:15:32,615 I bought it so we could rewrite that vagina copy. 340 00:15:32,651 --> 00:15:34,884 The second least sexy sentence. 341 00:15:34,920 --> 00:15:36,451 I thought you talked to Chloe, 342 00:15:36,487 --> 00:15:37,719 and she was okay about it. 343 00:15:37,755 --> 00:15:40,255 Yeah, she was, but then she circled back. 344 00:15:40,291 --> 00:15:43,058 Hate when people circle back. 345 00:15:43,094 --> 00:15:44,096 Ugh. 346 00:15:46,097 --> 00:15:47,428 You wear glasses? 347 00:15:47,464 --> 00:15:49,468 - Just when I read. - Huh. 348 00:15:50,801 --> 00:15:52,567 You know, we don't have to use that version. 349 00:15:52,603 --> 00:15:56,338 Just, you know, put it in your own voice. Are you ready? 350 00:15:56,374 --> 00:15:59,410 Throw out some phrases you might say that would apply to this. 351 00:15:59,843 --> 00:16:04,513 Um... humiliated, mortified, wanna die? 352 00:16:04,549 --> 00:16:05,981 - I'll start. - Okay. 353 00:16:06,017 --> 00:16:08,583 How's, um... 354 00:16:08,619 --> 00:16:11,352 "Ladies, when I go out for a night on the town, sometime..." 355 00:16:11,388 --> 00:16:13,621 - Pardon? - I'm just spit-balling here. 356 00:16:13,657 --> 00:16:15,357 "A night on the town"? 357 00:16:15,393 --> 00:16:18,426 Who's doing the talking, Dorothy Parker's vagina? 358 00:16:18,462 --> 00:16:20,695 Well, Carrie, I don't have one. 359 00:16:20,731 --> 00:16:22,310 I'm not supposed to know how to talk about it. 360 00:16:22,334 --> 00:16:23,598 Well... 361 00:16:23,634 --> 00:16:26,001 Uh, okay... let's have some fun with it. 362 00:16:26,037 --> 00:16:28,036 What if you call it a "vajayjay"? 363 00:16:28,072 --> 00:16:31,006 Well, I would, but I don't want people to think that 364 00:16:31,042 --> 00:16:33,876 the podcast is a rerun from the 1990s. 365 00:16:33,912 --> 00:16:37,012 Come on. You're the writer. 366 00:16:37,048 --> 00:16:39,214 We're here. Let's do this thing. 367 00:16:39,250 --> 00:16:43,618 All right, fine. But "here" is where we usually don't work. 368 00:16:43,654 --> 00:16:48,624 "Here" is where we usually watch "Beef Grill." 369 00:16:48,660 --> 00:16:49,661 Hm. 370 00:16:51,028 --> 00:16:53,362 - Okay, I got something. - Hm? 371 00:16:53,398 --> 00:16:57,032 "It'll take you from dry to wet-ass pussy." 372 00:16:57,068 --> 00:17:00,469 - What? - It's more current. 373 00:17:00,505 --> 00:17:03,371 It's Cardi B and, and Megan Thee Stallion. 374 00:17:03,407 --> 00:17:05,040 Well, I'm Carrie B, 375 00:17:05,076 --> 00:17:07,209 and I don't speak like that, 376 00:17:07,245 --> 00:17:09,448 so Megan Thee End. 377 00:17:18,289 --> 00:17:20,155 This is a lovely dinner. 378 00:17:20,191 --> 00:17:23,492 Sorry. I gotta find a new Hotfella. Kevin has Hep C. 379 00:17:23,528 --> 00:17:25,860 And still no response from The Real Deal, 380 00:17:25,896 --> 00:17:28,597 or should I say The Real Steal's, corporate office. 381 00:17:28,633 --> 00:17:30,865 - Oy. - I second that "oy." 382 00:17:30,901 --> 00:17:33,835 Oh, my God! The dress just dropped another hundred dollars. 383 00:17:33,871 --> 00:17:36,505 Why don't you just walk over there and buy the fucker back? 384 00:17:36,541 --> 00:17:37,934 Because then they win! 385 00:17:37,970 --> 00:17:40,710 No, most of Lily's good pieces are gone. 386 00:17:40,746 --> 00:17:42,077 Sold. No hope. 387 00:17:42,113 --> 00:17:44,079 I want them to return this dress 388 00:17:44,115 --> 00:17:47,015 with an acknowledgment that what they did was wrong. 389 00:17:47,051 --> 00:17:48,383 Good luck. I'm still waitin' 390 00:17:48,419 --> 00:17:49,797 for any acknowledgment from my mother 391 00:17:49,821 --> 00:17:51,386 and she's been dead 10 years. 392 00:17:51,422 --> 00:17:53,355 Anthony. 393 00:17:53,391 --> 00:17:54,889 - Anthony! - What? 394 00:17:54,925 --> 00:17:58,254 How would you feel if someone stole your beloved 395 00:17:58,290 --> 00:18:02,197 Hotfella's sourdough recipe and sold it for cheap online? 396 00:18:02,233 --> 00:18:04,867 I would cut them from tongue to taint. 397 00:18:04,903 --> 00:18:06,237 Thank you. 398 00:18:06,470 --> 00:18:10,105 Okay, people. Lily requests your presence at the piano, 399 00:18:10,141 --> 00:18:12,241 and because I am trapped 400 00:18:12,277 --> 00:18:15,681 into supporting her, I will be there, too. 401 00:18:17,981 --> 00:18:21,487 - Should I open another bottle of red? - No, sweetie, no. 402 00:18:22,253 --> 00:18:23,885 Showtime. 403 00:18:23,921 --> 00:18:26,321 ♪ I am not not the same ♪ 404 00:18:26,357 --> 00:18:30,362 ♪ Caught inside this gilded cage ♪ 405 00:18:33,464 --> 00:18:35,898 ♪ Darkness comes, hollow dreams ♪ 406 00:18:35,934 --> 00:18:39,938 ♪ Empty mirrors, I'm unseen ♪ 407 00:18:43,507 --> 00:18:46,069 ♪ Park Avenue streets, where do they lead ♪ 408 00:18:46,105 --> 00:18:48,905 ♪ Stuck in the deep, goddamn ♪ 409 00:18:48,941 --> 00:18:51,747 ♪ The power of privilege ♪ 410 00:18:51,783 --> 00:18:53,282 Should've opened that second bottle. 411 00:18:53,318 --> 00:18:55,750 ♪ No reason or rhyme, lost in the climb ♪ 412 00:18:55,786 --> 00:19:02,291 ♪ Livin' a life confined, the power of privilege ♪ 413 00:19:02,327 --> 00:19:03,858 Who is she, Lily Eilish? 414 00:19:03,894 --> 00:19:09,198 - ♪ 'Cause I always have to be ♪ 415 00:19:09,234 --> 00:19:13,334 ♪ The good girl, I'm a good girl ♪ 416 00:19:13,370 --> 00:19:18,176 ♪ No, I'm not allowed to be me ♪ 417 00:19:18,876 --> 00:19:22,445 ♪ I'm a good girl, I'm a good girl ♪ 418 00:19:24,215 --> 00:19:28,087 Go back to bed, Gabby. This is Mommy/Daddy time. 419 00:19:29,520 --> 00:19:31,720 Actually, it's Mother time. 420 00:19:31,756 --> 00:19:34,322 Oh, Mother... 421 00:19:34,358 --> 00:19:36,357 Is the electric teapot giving you trouble again? 422 00:19:36,393 --> 00:19:38,060 I can make you a cup. 423 00:19:38,096 --> 00:19:40,195 I think it's you who needs a cup. 424 00:19:40,231 --> 00:19:41,999 Preferably chamomile. 425 00:19:42,566 --> 00:19:45,567 What was that display all about today? 426 00:19:45,603 --> 00:19:50,171 If those ladies weren't all half-blind with cataracts, 427 00:19:50,207 --> 00:19:52,140 I'd be mortified. 428 00:19:52,176 --> 00:19:54,843 Imagine my horror seeing my son, 429 00:19:54,879 --> 00:19:57,813 the pride of Morehouse and of Harvard, 430 00:19:57,849 --> 00:20:01,583 pounding on the hood of a taxicab like some 431 00:20:01,619 --> 00:20:05,757 deranged squeegee man demanding a tip. 432 00:20:06,124 --> 00:20:07,589 What happened? What did I miss? 433 00:20:07,625 --> 00:20:10,558 I pounded on the hood of a cab one time 434 00:20:10,594 --> 00:20:13,061 because that man saw your daughter and I 435 00:20:13,097 --> 00:20:15,097 - standing there... - It's irrelevant! 436 00:20:15,133 --> 00:20:17,565 We never surrender our dignity. 437 00:20:17,601 --> 00:20:21,932 Your grandfather faced the brickbats of Selma 438 00:20:21,968 --> 00:20:25,674 without ever loosening his tie. 439 00:20:25,710 --> 00:20:28,614 Wexleys win by winning. 440 00:20:32,650 --> 00:20:36,184 Didn't the Emancipation Proclamation free us 441 00:20:36,220 --> 00:20:38,057 from head wraps? 442 00:20:38,757 --> 00:20:40,392 Oh, God. 443 00:20:43,461 --> 00:20:46,027 This isn't like you. 444 00:20:46,063 --> 00:20:49,798 - And in front of Gabby? - I did it because she was standin' right there. 445 00:20:49,834 --> 00:20:52,134 To look at her tiny, little face, 446 00:20:52,170 --> 00:20:55,871 confused because her Daddy couldn't manage to get a taxicab? 447 00:20:55,907 --> 00:20:58,373 I never thought I'd say these words, 448 00:20:58,409 --> 00:21:00,108 but your mother is right. 449 00:21:00,144 --> 00:21:01,877 You know the rules. 450 00:21:01,913 --> 00:21:05,213 When we go off, they win. 451 00:21:05,249 --> 00:21:07,482 So you have to keep it in check. 452 00:21:07,518 --> 00:21:09,952 Because if you pound on the wrong car 453 00:21:09,988 --> 00:21:12,755 and they take you away... 454 00:21:12,791 --> 00:21:14,793 she's gonna find a way to blame me. 455 00:21:15,193 --> 00:21:17,196 Okay? 456 00:21:20,631 --> 00:21:22,630 Thank you so much. Thank you. 457 00:21:22,666 --> 00:21:24,828 You've been awesome. Thank you. 458 00:21:26,937 --> 00:21:29,104 Now, listen, before I leave here tonight, 459 00:21:29,140 --> 00:21:30,617 I just wanna, I just wanna take a moment 460 00:21:30,641 --> 00:21:33,645 to introduce a very special guest here tonight. 461 00:21:34,145 --> 00:21:37,716 Playing my dad on my new pilot, 462 00:21:38,116 --> 00:21:42,751 the one and only, TV legend Tony Danza! 463 00:21:46,790 --> 00:21:48,423 I know what you're all thinking. 464 00:21:48,459 --> 00:21:50,125 Too hot to play anyone's father. 465 00:21:50,161 --> 00:21:51,792 Tony, come on up here. 466 00:21:51,828 --> 00:21:53,468 - Come on up here. - You can't stand here. 467 00:21:53,499 --> 00:21:55,125 Oh, I'm sorry. 468 00:21:55,161 --> 00:21:56,965 Excuse me. You're in the way. Hello. 469 00:21:57,001 --> 00:21:58,199 Oh. I-I'm sorry. 470 00:21:58,235 --> 00:22:01,140 Tony Danza! 471 00:22:01,573 --> 00:22:02,808 Yeah! 472 00:22:16,888 --> 00:22:18,528 Okay, I got something. 473 00:22:18,556 --> 00:22:20,859 Ooh. Saved by the bell. 474 00:22:22,693 --> 00:22:24,692 Oh, I gotta take this, it's my friend in L.A., 475 00:22:24,728 --> 00:22:27,663 but truthfully, I'd take a robocall to get outta this. 476 00:22:30,669 --> 00:22:31,800 Hello? 477 00:22:31,836 --> 00:22:33,702 Hey! What're you up to? 478 00:22:33,738 --> 00:22:36,238 Oh, you know... 479 00:22:36,274 --> 00:22:41,010 writing a commercial for a... line of vaginal products. 480 00:22:41,046 --> 00:22:42,677 Why? Are your books not selling? 481 00:22:42,713 --> 00:22:45,913 Ha. No, Franklyn and I have to do it for the podcast. 482 00:22:45,949 --> 00:22:48,483 Hey, listen, I have a question: As a friend... 483 00:22:48,519 --> 00:22:54,056 how do you phrase it when you have trouble down there? 484 00:22:54,092 --> 00:22:57,091 I don't know. I have nothing but good news down there. 485 00:22:57,127 --> 00:23:00,094 How does that help me? Ugh, I don't know what happened. 486 00:23:00,130 --> 00:23:03,564 I kissed a guy in an elevator and now I'm part of a filthy 487 00:23:03,600 --> 00:23:05,400 Tracy/Hepburn writing team. 488 00:23:05,436 --> 00:23:07,737 Yeah, I didn't think you could do just sex. 489 00:23:07,773 --> 00:23:10,538 Well, now it's sex with homework. 490 00:23:10,574 --> 00:23:12,708 Oh, Carrie, I have to hang up. 491 00:23:12,744 --> 00:23:14,375 Tony Danza's comin' right at me. 492 00:23:14,411 --> 00:23:17,546 I get it, you're fancy. All right. Bye. 493 00:23:17,582 --> 00:23:18,582 Bye. 494 00:23:18,616 --> 00:23:20,448 - Hi. - Miranda, this is Tony. 495 00:23:20,484 --> 00:23:22,717 - Tony, this is Miranda. - Hello, Miranda. 496 00:23:22,753 --> 00:23:25,454 Such a pleasure to meet Che's significant person. 497 00:23:25,490 --> 00:23:28,456 Hi... Oh, I'm thrilled to meet you. 498 00:23:28,492 --> 00:23:30,537 Well, then, you know I was just saying to Che, 499 00:23:30,561 --> 00:23:32,206 we should, we should have dinner tomorrow night, huh? 500 00:23:32,230 --> 00:23:34,296 The three of us? What do ya say? 501 00:23:34,332 --> 00:23:38,003 - You're the boss. - Cute, cute. She's cute. 502 00:23:38,603 --> 00:23:39,868 - It is "she," right? - She! 503 00:23:39,904 --> 00:23:41,904 Yeah, okay. See? I'm two for two. 504 00:23:50,013 --> 00:23:53,951 - So, I circled back to Chloe on her circle back. - And? 505 00:23:54,350 --> 00:23:57,985 And she's making it seem like this is a dealbreaker for "Sex and the City." 506 00:23:58,021 --> 00:24:01,760 So, uh, I bolded the important bullet points. 507 00:24:02,326 --> 00:24:05,827 - Let's give it another shot. - Mm. No, let's not. 508 00:24:05,863 --> 00:24:08,730 I appreciate your zeal but 509 00:24:08,766 --> 00:24:11,400 I think my vagina has to write its own monologue. 510 00:24:11,436 --> 00:24:13,268 Thank God. 511 00:24:16,207 --> 00:24:19,941 Well, if you need any help, I got a ton of great ideas. 512 00:24:59,250 --> 00:25:01,717 Oh, my God. Who did this to you? 513 00:25:01,753 --> 00:25:03,651 EZ Blow on 68th Street. 514 00:25:03,687 --> 00:25:06,858 Juan Jose, you made your point. I got back with Zed. 515 00:25:08,860 --> 00:25:10,304 Look, I'm not gonna beg. Do you want this 516 00:25:10,328 --> 00:25:12,293 top-of-the-line tequila and my apology or not? 517 00:25:12,329 --> 00:25:14,162 Why are you apologizing for? 518 00:25:14,198 --> 00:25:15,897 For taking what you said too personally. 519 00:25:15,933 --> 00:25:17,465 I know you meant well. 520 00:25:17,501 --> 00:25:20,468 Not necessarily. I blow hot and cold. 521 00:25:20,504 --> 00:25:22,838 I told this one not to have kids, 522 00:25:22,874 --> 00:25:25,540 I told that one her bangs were bad, 523 00:25:25,576 --> 00:25:28,677 and I told that one to please get a lipo. 524 00:25:28,713 --> 00:25:32,284 No one's listening, but I was right about the bangs. 525 00:25:32,951 --> 00:25:35,050 Abdal, Kiki's gonna finish you. 526 00:25:35,086 --> 00:25:38,320 Seema is back. She's my number one. 527 00:25:47,565 --> 00:25:49,468 Oy. Qué es esto? 528 00:26:11,389 --> 00:26:14,590 Nya, I can't talk now. I'm saving the planet. You're welcome. 529 00:26:14,626 --> 00:26:16,992 Well, I'm saving myself 530 00:26:17,028 --> 00:26:22,064 by de-Andre-fying my apartment and my life. 531 00:26:22,100 --> 00:26:24,766 Sayonara, tacky-ass Japanese lantern 532 00:26:24,802 --> 00:26:27,469 he bought in a Tokyo airport in 1999! 533 00:26:27,505 --> 00:26:29,232 You're getting rid of Andre Rashad? 534 00:26:29,268 --> 00:26:32,074 No, he got rid of himself. 535 00:26:32,110 --> 00:26:34,542 He told me he hasn't cheated on me yet. 536 00:26:34,578 --> 00:26:37,412 And then, after our many conversations 537 00:26:37,448 --> 00:26:41,116 about my complicated feelings about having a baby... 538 00:26:41,152 --> 00:26:43,586 he suggests a surrogate. 539 00:26:43,622 --> 00:26:45,953 A surrogate! Miranda! 540 00:26:45,989 --> 00:26:49,324 He hasn't heard me at all. Not in two years! 541 00:26:49,360 --> 00:26:52,194 So, that's it! Because motel girl 542 00:26:52,230 --> 00:26:55,230 plus the surrogate equals I'm done! 543 00:26:55,266 --> 00:26:57,933 - I'm so sorry. - I'm not. 544 00:26:57,969 --> 00:27:00,872 So, I'm carefully packin' his things. 545 00:27:01,372 --> 00:27:03,809 Buh-bye, patchouli incense. 546 00:27:04,142 --> 00:27:09,077 Later, lame-ass college roommate's mixed-media 547 00:27:09,113 --> 00:27:11,847 "collage homage to Nubian women" 548 00:27:11,883 --> 00:27:13,719 made of Korean weave hair! 549 00:27:14,219 --> 00:27:17,223 Bonfire of the beanies at 11! 550 00:27:17,689 --> 00:27:18,921 - Miranda. - Oh, hold on. 551 00:27:18,957 --> 00:27:20,789 I have to go. Here's your bag. 552 00:27:20,825 --> 00:27:22,757 I'm sorry, my kid's school just called. 553 00:27:22,793 --> 00:27:25,660 There was some micro-aggression over a Squishmallow. 554 00:27:25,696 --> 00:27:29,164 - Preschool drama. - Go, go! I, I can get an Uber home. 555 00:27:29,200 --> 00:27:31,436 Okay, bye. Sorry. 556 00:27:31,836 --> 00:27:34,203 Um, Nya, I should hang up. 557 00:27:34,239 --> 00:27:37,539 Cell phones and environmentalists, not a great match. 558 00:27:37,575 --> 00:27:40,943 Do you know anybody who wants to buy six or eight guitars, cheap? 559 00:27:40,979 --> 00:27:43,281 I'm havin' a "goin' out of Andre" sale. 560 00:27:43,548 --> 00:27:45,781 Okay. Buh-bye. 561 00:27:47,986 --> 00:27:49,755 We're makin' real progress, huh? 562 00:27:50,155 --> 00:27:52,053 The Earth is already dead. 563 00:27:52,089 --> 00:27:54,790 We're basically just cleaning up a corpse. 564 00:27:54,826 --> 00:27:57,263 You're a delight. Let's talk more. 565 00:27:57,862 --> 00:27:59,531 Not funny. 566 00:28:01,933 --> 00:28:04,566 - Well... here we are. - Mm. 567 00:28:04,602 --> 00:28:06,901 -Are we ready? -Oh, I'm so ready. I am so ready. 568 00:28:06,937 --> 00:28:09,371 You just tell me when. You know, you give me the sign. 569 00:28:09,407 --> 00:28:10,705 Take that trash can right there, 570 00:28:10,741 --> 00:28:12,841 I'm gonna throw it right through this window. 571 00:28:12,877 --> 00:28:16,912 Nope. I am gonna kill them with kindness. 572 00:28:16,948 --> 00:28:19,047 - Oh. - They are gonna give me that dress back 573 00:28:19,083 --> 00:28:20,916 and I'm gonna bring my baby home. 574 00:28:20,952 --> 00:28:23,519 Oh, you are so clever! 575 00:28:23,555 --> 00:28:24,751 Mm. 576 00:28:25,857 --> 00:28:29,261 Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm. 577 00:28:29,794 --> 00:28:30,926 Wow. 578 00:28:30,962 --> 00:28:33,465 There's some really great stuff in here, hm? 579 00:28:33,898 --> 00:28:35,901 No, there isn't. 580 00:28:36,434 --> 00:28:37,667 No, there isn't. 581 00:28:37,703 --> 00:28:39,234 Hello. 582 00:28:39,270 --> 00:28:40,770 I am Charlotte York-Goldenblatt. 583 00:28:40,806 --> 00:28:43,205 You may have received my emails. 584 00:28:43,241 --> 00:28:44,773 I don't know. 585 00:28:44,809 --> 00:28:47,342 Well, they were numerous. 586 00:28:47,378 --> 00:28:51,379 Oh, my God... Oh, my God, oh, my God. 587 00:28:51,415 --> 00:28:54,783 Oh, my God. These Sonia Rykiel b... 588 00:28:54,819 --> 00:28:56,251 How has nobody bought these? 589 00:28:56,287 --> 00:28:59,555 H... How long have they been just sitting there? 590 00:28:59,591 --> 00:29:01,227 I don't know. 591 00:29:02,626 --> 00:29:04,959 - What? - I have an itty-bitty problem 592 00:29:04,995 --> 00:29:08,130 and I am sure that you and I can solve it together. 593 00:29:08,166 --> 00:29:10,065 - What is your name? - Eden. 594 00:29:10,101 --> 00:29:14,135 Eden! You and I together, Eden, can solve this. 595 00:29:14,171 --> 00:29:16,404 So, my daughter, Lily, 596 00:29:16,440 --> 00:29:18,306 sold you a bunch of clothes, 597 00:29:18,342 --> 00:29:21,076 and she is still a minor. 598 00:29:21,112 --> 00:29:23,478 Surely you have rules against this. 599 00:29:23,514 --> 00:29:26,715 This isn't a bar. We don't card. 600 00:29:26,751 --> 00:29:29,321 Starting fresh. 601 00:29:29,921 --> 00:29:31,090 Eden... 602 00:29:33,357 --> 00:29:35,891 I am looking for this Chanel dress. 603 00:29:35,927 --> 00:29:38,326 Is it at this location? 604 00:29:38,362 --> 00:29:39,628 I don't know. 605 00:29:39,664 --> 00:29:41,997 Well, maybe you could look here 606 00:29:42,033 --> 00:29:45,266 in this little computer to see. 607 00:29:45,302 --> 00:29:49,237 These boots are in super-good shape. 608 00:29:49,273 --> 00:29:52,408 You are sleeping with the enemy, Carrie. 609 00:29:52,444 --> 00:29:53,845 I'm sorry. 610 00:29:59,483 --> 00:30:00,594 - Great Job. - Thanks. 611 00:30:00,618 --> 00:30:02,321 - Yeah, no problem. - Oh, thank you. 612 00:30:08,960 --> 00:30:11,459 Oh, my God... Oh, my God. 613 00:30:11,495 --> 00:30:15,430 Ugh, ugh! Ugh, I lost my phone! 614 00:30:15,466 --> 00:30:16,926 Did anybody see a phone? 615 00:30:16,962 --> 00:30:19,802 Oh, my God, um, I-I-I-I-I don't have my phone, 616 00:30:19,838 --> 00:30:21,436 and I need it to call Uber. 617 00:30:21,472 --> 00:30:23,338 Uber's a Ponzi scheme. 618 00:30:23,374 --> 00:30:26,145 Again?! So helpful! 619 00:30:27,045 --> 00:30:28,610 God. 620 00:30:28,646 --> 00:30:30,516 Did you... Uh, did you see a phone? 621 00:30:30,749 --> 00:30:33,986 - I lost my phone! - Bummer! 622 00:30:34,686 --> 00:30:35,720 Damn it. 623 00:30:36,320 --> 00:30:40,526 Ah, fuck... Ah, fuck, fuck, fuck. 624 00:30:47,065 --> 00:30:49,701 ♪ On a dark desert highway ♪ 625 00:30:50,101 --> 00:30:52,868 ♪ Cool wind in my hair ♪ 626 00:30:56,374 --> 00:30:59,244 ♪ Rising up through the air ♪ 627 00:30:59,843 --> 00:31:06,048 ♪ Up ahead in the distance, I saw a shimmering light ♪ 628 00:31:06,084 --> 00:31:09,317 ♪ My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim ♪ 629 00:31:09,353 --> 00:31:12,457 ♪ I had to stop for the night ♪ 630 00:31:12,723 --> 00:31:15,825 ♪ There she stood in the doorway ♪ 631 00:31:15,861 --> 00:31:19,494 ♪ I heard the mission bell ♪ 632 00:31:19,530 --> 00:31:21,430 ♪ And I was thinking to myself ♪ 633 00:31:21,466 --> 00:31:23,665 Hi! Hello. 634 00:31:23,701 --> 00:31:25,233 I'm sorry to accost you, 635 00:31:25,269 --> 00:31:28,003 but I, I, I lost my phone trying to save the planet, 636 00:31:28,039 --> 00:31:29,270 and I wonder if I could borrow 637 00:31:29,306 --> 00:31:31,310 one of yours for a super quick call? 638 00:31:31,877 --> 00:31:34,076 - Yeah. - Oh, thank you so much. 639 00:31:34,112 --> 00:31:37,212 - You're welcome. - Oh, could you open that for me? 640 00:31:37,248 --> 00:31:40,281 -Yep. -Thank you. All right. 641 00:31:40,317 --> 00:31:41,887 - Want some? - No, thank you. 642 00:31:48,093 --> 00:31:49,291 Breathe. 643 00:31:51,930 --> 00:31:54,796 Mm. Unknown caller. 644 00:31:54,832 --> 00:31:57,069 Better not be the Democrats again. 645 00:31:59,571 --> 00:32:00,672 Hello? 646 00:32:01,072 --> 00:32:03,105 Carrie, it's Miranda. I lost my phone. 647 00:32:03,141 --> 00:32:05,273 Well, whose phone is this? 648 00:32:05,309 --> 00:32:07,642 Uh, a nice surfer in a parking lot. 649 00:32:07,678 --> 00:32:11,750 - Why are you so very fancy? - What's Che's phone number? 650 00:32:12,483 --> 00:32:13,949 You don't know Che's phone number? 651 00:32:13,985 --> 00:32:15,150 Don't say it like that. 652 00:32:15,186 --> 00:32:17,152 Nobody knows anybody's number anymore. 653 00:32:17,188 --> 00:32:19,054 All right, hold on a second, I'll look it up. 654 00:32:19,090 --> 00:32:20,489 You see? 655 00:32:22,193 --> 00:32:23,291 Hi. 656 00:32:23,327 --> 00:32:25,164 She's just getting me a number. 657 00:32:32,704 --> 00:32:34,469 - Hello? - It's Miranda. 658 00:32:34,505 --> 00:32:35,838 Why aren't you home yet? 659 00:32:35,874 --> 00:32:37,834 Ugh, I lost my phone on the beach, 660 00:32:37,870 --> 00:32:39,775 and I can't call an Uber without it. 661 00:32:39,811 --> 00:32:41,009 Can you come and get me? 662 00:32:41,045 --> 00:32:44,446 At the beach? It-it-it's rush hour. 663 00:32:44,482 --> 00:32:47,315 It'll, It'll take me, like, an hour and a half to get there. 664 00:32:47,351 --> 00:32:49,288 We have dinner with Tony Danza in an hour! 665 00:32:50,188 --> 00:32:52,121 Well, I don't, obviously. 666 00:32:52,157 --> 00:32:55,991 Shit. Do you want me to cancel, or... 667 00:32:56,027 --> 00:32:59,331 You can't cancel. It's Tony Danza! 668 00:33:03,366 --> 00:33:06,368 Okay, I have an idea. I'll send someone to get you. Where are you? 669 00:33:06,404 --> 00:33:09,408 Oh... can you tell them where I am? 670 00:33:11,675 --> 00:33:18,217 Um... we're, like, off PCH, um, like, across from Neptune's Net. 671 00:33:20,017 --> 00:33:22,718 - You got that? - Yeah, yeah, I got it, I got it. Stay there. 672 00:33:22,754 --> 00:33:24,756 Where the fuck else am I going? 673 00:33:25,557 --> 00:33:27,021 - Shit. - Thank you. 674 00:33:27,057 --> 00:33:29,892 - You're welcome. - Uh, please stop offering me that. 675 00:33:29,928 --> 00:33:32,628 So, where am I? Neptune somethin'? 676 00:33:32,664 --> 00:33:33,736 - Yeah. - It's up there. 677 00:33:33,760 --> 00:33:35,798 Neptune's Net, is that way. 678 00:33:35,834 --> 00:33:38,467 Oh, okay. That way, all right. 679 00:33:38,503 --> 00:33:40,502 Thank you guys so much. You saved my life. 680 00:33:40,538 --> 00:33:43,175 - A-A thousand times thank you, thank you. - You're welcome. 681 00:33:44,241 --> 00:33:45,241 Good luck. 682 00:33:45,342 --> 00:33:47,843 ♪ Last thing I remember ♪ 683 00:33:47,879 --> 00:33:50,682 ♪ I was running for the door ♪ 684 00:33:52,350 --> 00:33:54,249 ♪ I had to find the passage back ♪ 685 00:33:54,285 --> 00:33:58,248 ♪ To the place I was before ♪ 686 00:33:58,284 --> 00:34:01,557 ♪ "Relax," said the night man we are... ♪ 687 00:34:07,632 --> 00:34:09,565 Okay. I found it. 688 00:34:09,601 --> 00:34:10,866 It is in a warehouse. 689 00:34:10,902 --> 00:34:13,869 Fine... I give up. I'll buy it back. 690 00:34:13,905 --> 00:34:15,871 You can't. It's on hold. 691 00:34:15,907 --> 00:34:18,105 What? It's on hold where? 692 00:34:20,111 --> 00:34:22,443 - I don't know. - Listen, Eden, my husband 693 00:34:22,479 --> 00:34:25,413 is a partner at a major New York law firm, 694 00:34:25,449 --> 00:34:27,582 so you might wanna watch your tone 695 00:34:27,618 --> 00:34:29,384 or I am gonna call your manager. 696 00:34:29,420 --> 00:34:31,790 Hey, Charlotte, can I have a word over here? Real quick. 697 00:34:36,227 --> 00:34:38,226 Dead as she is, 698 00:34:38,262 --> 00:34:41,897 I don't think Eden can take much more interrogation. 699 00:34:41,933 --> 00:34:43,064 And she's got a phone. 700 00:34:43,100 --> 00:34:45,800 You're, like, this close to being a meme. 701 00:34:45,836 --> 00:34:48,865 I know. I don't know what's wrong with me. 702 00:34:48,901 --> 00:34:51,139 And even if I got the dress back, 703 00:34:51,175 --> 00:34:53,779 I don't even know if Lily could fit into it anymore. 704 00:34:55,246 --> 00:34:57,279 First the Chanel, and then the Chopin. 705 00:34:57,315 --> 00:34:59,752 I just feel like she's rejecting everything I ever gave her. 706 00:35:00,518 --> 00:35:04,553 Is she rejecting it, or is she, you know, like you just said, 707 00:35:04,589 --> 00:35:06,822 is she outgrowing it? 708 00:35:06,858 --> 00:35:08,489 You know? And that's healthy, right? 709 00:35:08,525 --> 00:35:10,962 Wanting to change and move on. 710 00:35:12,162 --> 00:35:14,997 Eh, who am I to say? I'm still fighting to save "Sex and the City." 711 00:35:15,033 --> 00:35:17,103 I'm not sure it fits me anymore either. 712 00:35:22,173 --> 00:35:24,506 - I don't need that dress. - Mm-mm. 713 00:35:24,542 --> 00:35:26,608 I have the memory. 714 00:35:26,644 --> 00:35:29,881 And Lily... Whoever she is now. 715 00:35:30,314 --> 00:35:34,010 - Let's go. - Yeah, but, um, before we go, can I just get the other boot? 716 00:35:34,046 --> 00:35:36,151 Then I'll have a pair. 717 00:35:44,228 --> 00:35:50,536 ♪ I'll ride into town on an old truck from Japan ♪ 718 00:35:52,703 --> 00:35:55,165 ♪ Across a dead dust desert ♪ 719 00:35:55,201 --> 00:35:58,844 ♪ Where the heat rots everything ♪ 720 00:36:01,245 --> 00:36:04,379 Miranda... Che sent me. I'm Lyle. 721 00:36:04,415 --> 00:36:07,419 Oh. Fair warning, Lyle... 722 00:36:08,487 --> 00:36:09,588 I smell. 723 00:36:14,654 --> 00:36:16,062 How bad is it? 724 00:36:17,694 --> 00:36:21,229 I used to shuck oysters in high school, 725 00:36:21,265 --> 00:36:24,936 - so it's nostalgic. - Oh. That's generous. 726 00:36:25,703 --> 00:36:27,514 Thank you so much for driving all the way out here. 727 00:36:27,538 --> 00:36:29,471 Actually, I live out here. 728 00:36:29,507 --> 00:36:32,675 - Yeah, I work at the Malibu Soho House, so. - Malibu Soho, nice. 729 00:36:32,711 --> 00:36:33,845 Lyle: Yeah. 730 00:36:34,412 --> 00:36:35,878 And what do you do there, Lyle? 731 00:36:35,914 --> 00:36:37,974 I'm a mixologist. 732 00:36:38,010 --> 00:36:39,214 Used to be called a bartender 733 00:36:39,250 --> 00:36:41,684 before their margaritas hit 22 bucks. 734 00:36:43,121 --> 00:36:44,887 And, uh, how do you know Che? 735 00:36:44,923 --> 00:36:46,253 We were married. 736 00:36:47,893 --> 00:36:49,725 Technically, we still are. 737 00:36:54,898 --> 00:36:56,543 So, ukulele, huh? 738 00:36:56,567 --> 00:36:58,834 Oh, yeah, you bet. 739 00:36:58,870 --> 00:37:00,703 That's what I heard. 740 00:37:00,739 --> 00:37:02,838 Tony Danza: Mm. 741 00:37:02,874 --> 00:37:04,110 - Che. - Mm? 742 00:37:04,976 --> 00:37:08,209 I'm really excited about being in your project. 743 00:37:08,245 --> 00:37:10,012 I feel like there's a "but" coming. 744 00:37:10,048 --> 00:37:12,751 Well, there is. Uh, I-I can't be Mexican. 745 00:37:14,052 --> 00:37:15,751 I mean, it-it's just not gonna fly, 746 00:37:15,787 --> 00:37:17,752 especially these days. 747 00:37:17,788 --> 00:37:20,755 I mean, I thought because he's Mexican-American 748 00:37:20,791 --> 00:37:22,924 and it's a comedy, I thought I'd be okay, 749 00:37:22,960 --> 00:37:25,627 but I'm already getting pushback on social media. 750 00:37:25,663 --> 00:37:28,296 And rightly so. I'm not Mexican. 751 00:37:28,332 --> 00:37:30,698 Okay, but my father's Mexican. 752 00:37:30,734 --> 00:37:31,812 -Yeah, yeah. I know, I know... -I mean... 753 00:37:31,836 --> 00:37:33,268 But he doesn't have to be. 754 00:37:33,304 --> 00:37:34,937 He can be Italian, like me, 755 00:37:34,973 --> 00:37:37,639 and we switch your mother to Mexican. 756 00:37:37,675 --> 00:37:39,107 But I'm Irish/Mexican. 757 00:37:39,143 --> 00:37:42,743 Ah, Italian is just Irish with better food. 758 00:37:42,779 --> 00:37:45,150 The important thing is to preserve the Mexican. 759 00:37:45,516 --> 00:37:48,416 So, I spoke to ABC, and if you approve, 760 00:37:48,452 --> 00:37:51,053 - your Irish mother is now dead... - Mm. 761 00:37:51,089 --> 00:37:53,655 And we switch all of her emotional scenes 762 00:37:53,691 --> 00:37:56,257 to the Mexican grandmother, your abuela, 763 00:37:56,293 --> 00:37:58,927 who, by the way, is killing it in the run-throughs. 764 00:37:58,963 --> 00:38:01,629 - Hm. - Listen... kid, 765 00:38:01,665 --> 00:38:04,065 I want you to succeed. I really do. 766 00:38:04,101 --> 00:38:07,101 I think what you're doing here is really important and cute. 767 00:38:07,137 --> 00:38:10,939 I think you're gonna open a lotta hearts and change a lotta minds. 768 00:38:10,975 --> 00:38:14,580 But you're not gonna do that with Tony Danza as a Mexican. 769 00:38:15,113 --> 00:38:18,479 I-I-I've, I've come too far to get canceled now. 770 00:38:18,515 --> 00:38:21,553 And the Danza-lions agree with me. 771 00:38:22,119 --> 00:38:24,019 I'm sorry, the Danza-lions? 772 00:38:24,055 --> 00:38:25,457 My hardcore fans. 773 00:38:26,524 --> 00:38:27,923 Oh. 774 00:38:35,000 --> 00:38:37,299 So, what got into you last week? 775 00:38:37,335 --> 00:38:39,070 Me. I got into me. 776 00:38:39,403 --> 00:38:42,203 I sometimes get lost in my head. 777 00:38:42,239 --> 00:38:46,942 But those five amazing texts from you helped me find my way back. 778 00:38:48,680 --> 00:38:50,549 I have a proposition for you. 779 00:38:52,851 --> 00:38:54,549 I'm all ears. 780 00:38:54,585 --> 00:38:57,319 There's an opportunity to invest in this new private club 781 00:38:57,355 --> 00:38:58,756 here in Manhattan. 782 00:38:59,256 --> 00:39:00,759 They just want $200,000. 783 00:39:02,059 --> 00:39:04,997 So... let's go in as partners, 784 00:39:05,730 --> 00:39:07,365 $100,000 each? 785 00:39:07,698 --> 00:39:11,937 Interesting... And what's this club called, "Red Flag"? 786 00:39:12,336 --> 00:39:15,170 I thought those five texts were suspect. 787 00:39:15,206 --> 00:39:17,404 Three would've been appropriate. 788 00:39:18,543 --> 00:39:19,507 I-I-It's not like that. 789 00:39:19,543 --> 00:39:21,544 Th-This is a legitimate investment. 790 00:39:21,580 --> 00:39:23,082 Yeah, well... 791 00:39:25,917 --> 00:39:27,550 maybe... 792 00:39:27,586 --> 00:39:29,588 but I'm investing in myself. 793 00:39:30,255 --> 00:39:32,021 Juan Jose was wrong. 794 00:39:32,057 --> 00:39:33,692 I was right. 795 00:39:35,193 --> 00:39:36,595 Where are you going? 796 00:39:38,629 --> 00:39:40,833 We're having chocolate mousse. 797 00:39:41,099 --> 00:39:43,102 Who the fuck is Juan Jose? 798 00:39:58,449 --> 00:40:01,387 You are not gonna believe what just happened to me at dinner. 799 00:40:04,489 --> 00:40:07,523 - What's that face? - I don't know your number. 800 00:40:07,559 --> 00:40:08,919 E-Excuse me? 801 00:40:08,955 --> 00:40:10,691 Your phone number. 802 00:40:10,727 --> 00:40:13,732 I had no idea. I had to call Carrie. 803 00:40:14,332 --> 00:40:17,836 Also, I had no idea you're actually married. 804 00:40:18,570 --> 00:40:21,370 Well... technically. 805 00:40:21,406 --> 00:40:22,615 Yeah, we're both such slackers, 806 00:40:22,639 --> 00:40:24,677 we never got around to getting divorced. 807 00:40:25,076 --> 00:40:27,076 Che, I don't know who you are. 808 00:40:27,112 --> 00:40:29,078 Well, 809 00:40:29,114 --> 00:40:32,114 well, join the club 'cause up until an hour ago, 810 00:40:32,150 --> 00:40:34,382 I thought I was Mexican/Irish. 811 00:40:34,418 --> 00:40:37,255 Tony Danza and ABC just made me Italian. 812 00:40:37,621 --> 00:40:40,989 - La fungoule! - I'm serious. 813 00:40:41,025 --> 00:40:43,061 Yeah, and please don't be. 814 00:40:43,661 --> 00:40:46,097 I've got enough on my plate right now. 815 00:40:46,530 --> 00:40:47,963 And we're having so much fun. 816 00:40:47,999 --> 00:40:50,999 Let's, let's not let your lost phone... 817 00:40:51,035 --> 00:40:53,669 become a couple's existential crisis, okay? 818 00:40:53,705 --> 00:40:57,572 My number is three-four-seven... 819 00:40:57,608 --> 00:40:58,919 five-three-two... 820 00:40:58,943 --> 00:41:01,809 Mm, mm. Nine-nine. Mm, mm. 821 00:41:01,845 --> 00:41:04,112 Are you getting this? Mm. 822 00:41:04,148 --> 00:41:06,152 Mm, mm. 823 00:41:06,785 --> 00:41:08,187 Mm. 824 00:41:08,553 --> 00:41:12,754 Never thought I could, but I can actually live with what I wrote. 825 00:41:12,790 --> 00:41:14,793 Yeah, it's really funny. 826 00:41:15,560 --> 00:41:18,160 Is there, is there an inordinate amount 827 00:41:18,196 --> 00:41:21,163 of box activity in the hallway today? 828 00:41:21,199 --> 00:41:23,032 Chloe: Hey. I hope you're happy. 829 00:41:23,068 --> 00:41:24,966 You two wouldn't talk about her vagina 830 00:41:25,002 --> 00:41:26,934 and now everyone's outta work. 831 00:41:26,970 --> 00:41:29,770 That's ridiculous, Chloe. What happened? 832 00:41:29,806 --> 00:41:32,507 Every show is over, that's what happened. 833 00:41:32,543 --> 00:41:36,679 They sold these studios to Apple or Peach or whatever the fuck. 834 00:41:36,715 --> 00:41:39,681 I told you: sinking ship. 835 00:41:39,717 --> 00:41:42,017 Word of advice, Carrie, next job, 836 00:41:42,053 --> 00:41:44,190 don't be so precious about your pussy. 837 00:41:47,325 --> 00:41:49,558 Well, I'll take that to heart. 838 00:42:04,910 --> 00:42:06,241 Okay, but... 839 00:42:06,277 --> 00:42:10,078 you've said, more than once, I might add, 840 00:42:10,114 --> 00:42:11,980 that we could always... 841 00:42:12,016 --> 00:42:14,849 - sell the podcast somewhere else. - Well, that was before. 842 00:42:14,885 --> 00:42:17,122 It's hard to sell something that's been canceled. 843 00:42:17,722 --> 00:42:20,355 Wanna try? 844 00:42:20,391 --> 00:42:23,029 I don't know if it's smart to go any further. 845 00:42:25,964 --> 00:42:27,967 With the podcast? 846 00:42:29,701 --> 00:42:30,703 Carrie... 847 00:42:31,402 --> 00:42:33,047 you've made it pretty clear that you want this to be 848 00:42:33,071 --> 00:42:34,169 a, a Thursday thing, 849 00:42:34,205 --> 00:42:36,772 and... I'm starting to feel like... 850 00:42:36,808 --> 00:42:38,340 maybe I want more. 851 00:42:38,376 --> 00:42:41,880 So, if Thursday's still the case... 852 00:42:42,747 --> 00:42:44,179 I better get out 853 00:42:44,215 --> 00:42:46,615 before I'm all fucked up Friday through Wednesday. 854 00:42:48,119 --> 00:42:52,424 - Well, I wouldn't want that. - Yeah. Neither would I. 855 00:42:52,952 --> 00:42:53,959 Well... 856 00:42:54,659 --> 00:42:57,592 thank you for the "Sex and the City." 857 00:42:57,628 --> 00:43:00,729 Double entendre intended. 858 00:43:00,765 --> 00:43:03,135 See? You are the writer. 859 00:43:09,172 --> 00:43:13,412 Carrie: And just like that, I freed up my entire week.