1 00:00:15,349 --> 00:00:18,477 - Sid! - Hit me with a cold one, stat. 2 00:00:18,477 --> 00:00:21,813 TGIF, am I right, people? Hoo! 3 00:00:22,689 --> 00:00:25,108 You've been working your new job, what, five days? 4 00:00:25,108 --> 00:00:28,111 In a row, Sid. In a row. 5 00:00:30,197 --> 00:00:31,448 Oh, hey, that's Bob. 6 00:00:31,448 --> 00:00:33,200 He teaches third grade at my school. 7 00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:34,910 And that's Melanie. She teaches fifth. 8 00:00:34,910 --> 00:00:36,370 - What are the odds? - Oh. 9 00:00:36,370 --> 00:00:38,664 - Parker, the new gym teacher? - And Drew? 10 00:00:38,664 --> 00:00:39,414 What's going on? 11 00:00:39,414 --> 00:00:41,667 I'm sure there's a totally logical reason 12 00:00:41,667 --> 00:00:44,378 why all your coworkers are hanging out without you. 13 00:00:44,378 --> 00:00:45,921 Ooh, maybe they're throwing you 14 00:00:45,921 --> 00:00:47,798 a surprise party! Is it your birthday? 15 00:00:47,798 --> 00:00:49,299 No! 16 00:00:49,299 --> 00:00:52,177 Or is it? Wait. Should I know your birthday? 17 00:00:52,177 --> 00:00:54,596 - Do you know mine? - Today is not my birthday, okay? 18 00:00:54,596 --> 00:00:57,641 - And yours is... - Okay! We all know each other's birthday! 19 00:00:58,684 --> 00:01:00,060 Let's not lose sight of the bigger issue. 20 00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:02,187 What are all those teachers up to? 21 00:01:02,187 --> 00:01:03,689 I'm gonna go find out. 22 00:01:06,358 --> 00:01:08,569 Hey, hey! Everyone I work with. 23 00:01:08,569 --> 00:01:10,070 Uh, how's it going? 24 00:01:10,070 --> 00:01:12,114 Pretty bad now. 25 00:01:12,114 --> 00:01:13,014 What? 26 00:01:13,782 --> 00:01:15,409 J. Crew. What's up, buddy? 27 00:01:15,409 --> 00:01:18,245 Hey, man, why is the entire faculty getting drinks without me? 28 00:01:18,996 --> 00:01:20,247 We're having an affair. 29 00:01:21,748 --> 00:01:23,750 - All of you? - Yup. 30 00:01:23,750 --> 00:01:25,836 We're just a bunch of grade school teachers 31 00:01:25,836 --> 00:01:28,213 who like... doing orgies and stuff. 32 00:01:29,464 --> 00:01:32,176 Fine. We're here celebrating Melanie's 35th. 33 00:01:32,176 --> 00:01:34,678 - What? What's going on? - Do they not like me? 34 00:01:34,678 --> 00:01:36,680 - No, no. - It's not that they don't like you. 35 00:01:38,765 --> 00:01:40,225 It's that they actively hate you. 36 00:01:40,225 --> 00:01:41,560 Wh-Why? 37 00:01:41,560 --> 00:01:44,271 - I'm sorry, dude. I can't tell you. - They'd turn on me. 38 00:01:45,230 --> 00:01:46,310 I should probably get back. 39 00:01:48,525 --> 00:01:49,818 Now, beat it, Jesse! 40 00:01:49,818 --> 00:01:51,945 Find some other bar to suck in! 41 00:01:54,281 --> 00:01:55,324 Sorry. 42 00:01:59,119 --> 00:02:00,704 Everyone I work with hates me. 43 00:02:01,288 --> 00:02:02,706 Yeah, we kinda figured that. 44 00:02:03,790 --> 00:02:05,751 I don't get it. I'm a great colleague. 45 00:02:05,751 --> 00:02:07,878 I refill the Keurig every goddamn morning! 46 00:02:07,878 --> 00:02:09,838 Yeah, you do, you co-working prince! 47 00:02:10,255 --> 00:02:12,799 You know what? Who cares about them and their stupid birthday party? 48 00:02:12,799 --> 00:02:15,093 I've already got plans tonight anyway. Big plans! 49 00:02:15,093 --> 00:02:17,679 Yeah! And don't let anyone take those big plans 50 00:02:17,679 --> 00:02:19,598 that sound totally real away from you, Jesse. 51 00:02:25,604 --> 00:02:29,191 So, I was thinking we could go to the movies tonight 52 00:02:29,191 --> 00:02:30,484 and sneak in our own food. 53 00:02:30,484 --> 00:02:31,860 Let's challenge ourselves. 54 00:02:31,860 --> 00:02:34,279 Full rotisserie chicken. Do we dare? 55 00:02:34,905 --> 00:02:37,157 Sounds amazing, but tonight's no good. 56 00:02:37,157 --> 00:02:39,326 I actually, uh, have a... thing. 57 00:02:39,326 --> 00:02:42,454 - Oh, really? Want me to come? - I love a thing. 58 00:02:42,454 --> 00:02:45,624 Nah, it's just a dumb work thing. 59 00:02:45,624 --> 00:02:47,835 You'd hate it, so, uh, I'll call you later? 60 00:02:47,835 --> 00:02:49,378 Okay. Yeah. 61 00:02:53,882 --> 00:02:55,133 That was weird, right? 62 00:02:56,385 --> 00:02:57,719 She's been acting weird. 63 00:02:57,719 --> 00:03:00,138 Having "things" to do? 64 00:03:00,138 --> 00:03:02,891 Plus, she keeps answering the phone, "Yes, this is she," 65 00:03:02,891 --> 00:03:04,393 which is shady as hell! 66 00:03:05,394 --> 00:03:07,187 Do you think she's cheating on me? 67 00:03:07,187 --> 00:03:08,689 - I mean, yeah, kinda. - What?! 68 00:03:08,689 --> 00:03:10,649 - You asked! I just said yes! - You're supposed to say no! 69 00:03:10,649 --> 00:03:11,817 - No. - Too late! 70 00:03:11,817 --> 00:03:13,277 Oh... 71 00:03:13,902 --> 00:03:16,530 I think it's pretty clear what this situation calls for. 72 00:03:17,614 --> 00:03:18,657 A stakeout. 73 00:03:19,575 --> 00:03:22,536 Sid, don't trivialize Ellen's relationship issues 74 00:03:22,536 --> 00:03:24,162 with some immature idea about... 75 00:03:24,162 --> 00:03:26,248 - I'm in. - Yay! I wanna come, too. 76 00:03:26,248 --> 00:03:28,041 Are there gonna be snacks? Also, I don't care, 77 00:03:28,041 --> 00:03:31,211 but did you guys know that they sell Red Vines in big tubs? 78 00:03:37,092 --> 00:03:38,093 Hi! 79 00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:41,180 Why are you here in a suit? 80 00:03:41,180 --> 00:03:43,461 Because we have a reservation tonight at Casa di Landon. 81 00:03:44,266 --> 00:03:45,267 What? 82 00:03:45,267 --> 00:03:47,060 The restaurant from the 12-year-old prodigy 83 00:03:47,060 --> 00:03:49,354 who won this year's season of Big Kid Chef. 84 00:03:50,022 --> 00:03:52,983 One of these filets is for babies. 85 00:03:54,818 --> 00:03:56,320 And the other one... 86 00:03:56,737 --> 00:03:58,655 is for big kids. 87 00:03:59,865 --> 00:04:00,908 Chef Landon. 88 00:04:02,701 --> 00:04:04,453 You are... 89 00:04:06,580 --> 00:04:08,165 the Big Kid Chef! 90 00:04:10,709 --> 00:04:11,710 Yes! 91 00:04:14,213 --> 00:04:16,381 - Oh, my God! - We made that reservation, 92 00:04:16,381 --> 00:04:18,383 like, a million years ago... 93 00:04:18,383 --> 00:04:20,344 when we were together. 94 00:04:20,344 --> 00:04:21,720 We should cancel. I don't think 95 00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:24,598 us going to a fancy dinner together alone is a good idea. 96 00:04:24,598 --> 00:04:25,682 Why not? 97 00:04:26,391 --> 00:04:28,435 We have finally found our footing as friends. 98 00:04:28,435 --> 00:04:30,604 I don't wanna mess that up with a one-on-one date 99 00:04:30,604 --> 00:04:33,440 that will inevitably lead to S-E-X. 100 00:04:33,815 --> 00:04:36,944 - Why are you spelling it? - The Big Kid Chef isn't around yet. 101 00:04:36,944 --> 00:04:38,695 Plus, the two of us have hung out loads of times, 102 00:04:38,695 --> 00:04:41,114 one-on-one, without things getting sexy. 103 00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:44,993 Okay, we haven't, but so what? 104 00:04:46,203 --> 00:04:47,913 Yeah, maybe you're right. 105 00:04:47,913 --> 00:04:49,998 Anyway, it's a restaurant run by a 12-year-old boy. 106 00:04:49,998 --> 00:04:51,625 How romantic could it be? 107 00:04:55,212 --> 00:04:56,713 We're screwed. 108 00:04:58,090 --> 00:04:59,591 Where is she? 109 00:04:59,591 --> 00:05:00,592 Ah! 110 00:05:00,592 --> 00:05:02,344 - Seriously? You have, like, 900 of those. - I know, 111 00:05:02,344 --> 00:05:04,888 and I don't know how long the stakeout's going to last. 112 00:05:04,888 --> 00:05:06,849 - Ooh! Not very long. - She's headed to the subway. 113 00:05:06,849 --> 00:05:07,850 - Hurry! - What? 114 00:05:07,850 --> 00:05:09,101 - Oh! - Too close! 115 00:05:09,101 --> 00:05:11,061 Oh! No! No! 116 00:05:11,061 --> 00:05:13,689 Ah! 117 00:05:13,689 --> 00:05:15,691 Sophie, there's no time. 118 00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:17,317 Ah! 119 00:05:17,317 --> 00:05:20,612 We jumped on a train, and we followed Rachel to... 120 00:05:20,612 --> 00:05:22,114 Dun-dun-dun! 121 00:05:22,531 --> 00:05:24,032 New Jersey. 122 00:05:24,783 --> 00:05:26,410 How are my "dun-dun-duns"? 123 00:05:26,410 --> 00:05:28,036 Pretty dramatic, huh? 124 00:05:34,710 --> 00:05:37,921 What the hell is she doing in an apartment building in New Jersey? 125 00:05:38,422 --> 00:05:39,464 Wait. 126 00:05:40,591 --> 00:05:42,092 Is that Jesse? 127 00:05:42,759 --> 00:05:45,053 What is he doing in New Jersey? 128 00:05:45,053 --> 00:05:48,056 Ha! My gut says black market shampoo. 129 00:05:48,974 --> 00:05:50,642 Maybe he's getting his teeth stretched. 130 00:05:50,642 --> 00:05:51,560 What does that even mean? 131 00:05:51,560 --> 00:05:54,021 Wouldn't you like to know, short teeth. 132 00:05:55,480 --> 00:05:56,732 Doesn't matter. 133 00:05:56,732 --> 00:05:59,276 Okay, we're here for Ellen. 134 00:06:01,403 --> 00:06:05,240 Unless... Ellen wants one of us to follow him to see what he's up to. 135 00:06:05,240 --> 00:06:06,867 - Follow that man. - Oh, thank God. 136 00:06:06,867 --> 00:06:09,453 Okay, you guys, I will get down to the bottom of this. 137 00:06:09,453 --> 00:06:10,871 Nothing's gonna stop me. 138 00:06:13,290 --> 00:06:15,626 Starting now! 139 00:06:25,385 --> 00:06:26,637 Who do you think she's waiting for? 140 00:06:26,637 --> 00:06:28,972 No idea, but I know a guy, if it comes down to it. 141 00:06:28,972 --> 00:06:30,432 Comes down to what? 142 00:06:30,432 --> 00:06:31,683 Couples counseling. 143 00:06:35,979 --> 00:06:37,481 What the... Who the hell is that?! 144 00:06:38,148 --> 00:06:41,568 - Look at this broad. - Real piece of work. 145 00:06:41,568 --> 00:06:44,613 Arms. Legs. Head. 146 00:06:44,613 --> 00:06:46,532 Are you just naming body parts? 147 00:06:47,533 --> 00:06:49,076 Oh, my God... 148 00:06:49,076 --> 00:06:50,494 They're going into that woman's apartment! 149 00:06:50,494 --> 00:06:52,913 - Oh... - I can't believe this is happening. 150 00:06:52,913 --> 00:06:54,248 Maybe they're just college friends. 151 00:06:54,248 --> 00:06:55,582 Meeting up to go have sex? 152 00:06:55,582 --> 00:06:57,668 Yeah! No... 153 00:06:58,919 --> 00:07:02,464 Okay... This place is very romantic. 154 00:07:02,464 --> 00:07:05,133 - Can we handle it? - I can. 155 00:07:05,133 --> 00:07:08,011 In this soft, flickering candlelight, you look... 156 00:07:09,012 --> 00:07:10,931 pretty ugly. 157 00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:13,267 Well, same with you! 158 00:07:13,267 --> 00:07:16,228 That perfect haircut makes your cheekbones look... 159 00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:18,438 dumb! 160 00:07:20,399 --> 00:07:23,068 - Fabulous. - Then we are on the same page. 161 00:07:26,572 --> 00:07:29,867 - Evening. - Compliments of Chef Landon. 162 00:07:31,285 --> 00:07:34,580 You call this a soufflé?! How do you look at yourself in the mirror? 163 00:07:34,580 --> 00:07:36,081 Ugh! 164 00:07:36,498 --> 00:07:38,125 Sorry, one long noodle? 165 00:07:38,125 --> 00:07:40,878 It's our signature stretched bucatini. 166 00:07:40,878 --> 00:07:44,506 Lady and the Tramp was a huge culinary inspiration for Landon. 167 00:07:45,591 --> 00:07:47,467 Cool. Uh... 168 00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:49,136 Can we get a-a knife to cut it? 169 00:07:49,136 --> 00:07:51,471 Landon prefers you slurp the noodle 170 00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:53,807 as it was originally consumed by the animals in the film. 171 00:07:55,767 --> 00:07:56,810 Right... 172 00:07:56,810 --> 00:07:59,730 It's just we can't. You see, we're, um, 173 00:07:59,730 --> 00:08:01,064 trying not to be intimate. 174 00:08:01,064 --> 00:08:02,941 Oh. I'm so sorry. 175 00:08:02,941 --> 00:08:04,526 I just assumed you were a couple. 176 00:08:04,526 --> 00:08:07,112 Oh, w-we were, but we're not anymore. 177 00:08:07,112 --> 00:08:09,364 Long story short, he doesn't wanna have kids, I do, so... 178 00:08:09,907 --> 00:08:11,575 My wife and I don't want kids. 179 00:08:11,575 --> 00:08:12,826 And we have three. 180 00:08:19,249 --> 00:08:20,626 Okay... 181 00:08:22,252 --> 00:08:24,004 - Mm, that's good. - Yeah, that's good. 182 00:08:26,131 --> 00:08:27,132 Mm. 183 00:08:33,680 --> 00:08:35,400 - We have to get out of here. - Immediately. 184 00:08:47,528 --> 00:08:49,363 Alright! 185 00:08:49,363 --> 00:08:50,948 First up for tonight's open mic, 186 00:08:50,948 --> 00:08:53,408 we have... Jesse. 187 00:08:56,870 --> 00:08:58,997 Hello, New Jersey! 188 00:08:58,997 --> 00:09:01,375 Uh, this is a little song I like to call Left Out. 189 00:09:01,375 --> 00:09:04,461 You're gonna want a double for this guy. 190 00:09:04,461 --> 00:09:06,797 Oh, no. 191 00:09:06,797 --> 00:09:09,424 Hey, where are my Sugar Ray heads at, huh? 192 00:09:09,424 --> 00:09:11,426 Eh... Okay... 193 00:09:20,936 --> 00:09:22,479 I'm a teacher. 194 00:09:29,444 --> 00:09:30,904 Seriously, why? 195 00:09:30,904 --> 00:09:33,532 Oh, my God. This is so embarrassing. 196 00:09:33,532 --> 00:09:35,200 I can't watch. Tell me what's happening. 197 00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:37,160 A guy is sucking. 198 00:09:52,009 --> 00:09:53,552 Maybe you could look first? 199 00:09:54,970 --> 00:09:57,097 'Cause what if they're, like, right there? 200 00:09:57,097 --> 00:09:58,223 I think we'd hear them. 201 00:09:58,223 --> 00:09:59,641 Not the way Rachel does it. 202 00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:12,905 - What do you think that is? - Some kind of sex NDA? 203 00:10:12,905 --> 00:10:15,908 Makes sense. Rachel is very private about how quiet she is. 204 00:10:18,160 --> 00:10:21,205 This isn't a sex NDA. It's a lease application! 205 00:10:21,205 --> 00:10:22,873 Rachel's not having an affair. 206 00:10:22,873 --> 00:10:24,166 She's looking for an apartment! 207 00:10:24,166 --> 00:10:26,210 And I followed her here, across state lines. 208 00:10:26,210 --> 00:10:27,503 That's a federal crime. 209 00:10:27,503 --> 00:10:28,837 No, it's not. 210 00:10:28,837 --> 00:10:30,464 Yeah, okay, but it's definitely not hot. 211 00:10:30,464 --> 00:10:32,216 And that's the primary bedroom. 212 00:10:32,216 --> 00:10:35,511 - Oh, my God. Here they come! - We gotta hide! The refrigerator? 213 00:10:35,511 --> 00:10:37,846 I'll suffocate to death, but at least she won't find me for a while. 214 00:10:37,846 --> 00:10:40,326 - But then when she does, I'll be fresh. - Okay, just get down. 215 00:10:46,104 --> 00:10:48,607 Now, this is starting to feel like a federal crime. 216 00:10:50,484 --> 00:10:52,027 Again, terribly sorry. 217 00:10:52,027 --> 00:10:55,030 Your, uh, restaurant was just... too romantic for us. 218 00:10:55,030 --> 00:10:57,824 I'm not your waiter anymore. 219 00:10:58,784 --> 00:11:01,286 Do you hear something? 220 00:11:06,750 --> 00:11:08,752 It's coming from that cart. 221 00:11:16,009 --> 00:11:18,262 It's him. It's the cooking boy. 222 00:11:18,846 --> 00:11:20,639 Oh. Okay. 223 00:11:20,639 --> 00:11:22,432 That's cool. Should we call an Uber then? 224 00:11:22,432 --> 00:11:26,395 Charlie. You can't just leave a child crying under a tablecloth. 225 00:11:27,104 --> 00:11:29,731 Why not? It definitely feels like a job for his parents. 226 00:11:29,731 --> 00:11:31,733 Or, at the very least, his pastry chef. 227 00:11:36,071 --> 00:11:37,614 What's going on, Landon? 228 00:11:37,614 --> 00:11:39,533 I can't talk to you about it. 229 00:11:39,533 --> 00:11:41,285 Well, we did try our best. 230 00:11:41,285 --> 00:11:42,953 See you later, little man. 231 00:11:42,953 --> 00:11:45,205 I can't talk to her about it. 232 00:11:45,205 --> 00:11:46,623 I can talk to you. 233 00:11:47,833 --> 00:11:49,084 Oh... 234 00:11:49,710 --> 00:11:52,462 Good luck, buddy. Tough crowd. 235 00:11:53,589 --> 00:11:55,465 Oh, my God. Sophie, what are you doing here? 236 00:11:55,465 --> 00:11:57,759 Did you see me do my thing? 237 00:11:57,759 --> 00:12:00,095 Yeah. I saw it. I heard it. 238 00:12:01,471 --> 00:12:02,764 How do I forget it? 239 00:12:03,557 --> 00:12:06,143 Look, it's this new outlet I found 240 00:12:06,143 --> 00:12:07,978 to work through negative emotions, okay? 241 00:12:07,978 --> 00:12:09,354 I mean, before, when I was feeling down, 242 00:12:09,354 --> 00:12:11,190 I'd go to the park at night and just scream. 243 00:12:12,107 --> 00:12:14,943 God, men really will do anything to avoid therapy. 244 00:12:14,943 --> 00:12:16,945 We sure will. Anyway, now, 245 00:12:16,945 --> 00:12:19,656 when I need to blow off steam, I-I write a parody song, 246 00:12:19,656 --> 00:12:21,617 and I-I come down to St. Freddie's pub, 247 00:12:21,617 --> 00:12:23,660 - and I belt out a song that... - Wait! 248 00:12:23,660 --> 00:12:26,496 - This is called St. Freddie's? - Yeah. Why? 249 00:12:26,496 --> 00:12:28,999 Melanie was wearing a jacket from this bar. 250 00:12:28,999 --> 00:12:31,126 - That's Bob. - He teaches third grade at my school. 251 00:12:31,126 --> 00:12:33,045 And that's Melanie. She teaches fifth. 252 00:12:33,045 --> 00:12:35,756 I remember because I was like, "cute jacket." 253 00:12:35,756 --> 00:12:36,924 Then she turned around, 254 00:12:36,924 --> 00:12:38,550 and there was this really ripped leprechaun on it. 255 00:12:38,550 --> 00:12:41,261 And I was like, "Is it weird that I'm attracted to that leprechaun?" 256 00:12:41,261 --> 00:12:42,888 And then, I could not stop thinking about 257 00:12:42,888 --> 00:12:44,932 how long it had been since I had a bowl of Lucky Charms... 258 00:12:44,932 --> 00:12:46,892 Sophie? What's your point? 259 00:12:47,601 --> 00:12:48,894 Oh, my point is, 260 00:12:48,894 --> 00:12:52,231 is that Melanie must have seen you do a song here, 261 00:12:52,231 --> 00:12:54,024 venting about all the teachers. 262 00:12:54,024 --> 00:12:56,401 She went and told them. Now, they all hate you. 263 00:12:56,401 --> 00:13:00,280 - Eh, I don't know. - My lyrics are pretty cryptic. 264 00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:02,616 This is a song about some people with a lot of nerve. 265 00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:16,588 Yeah, that's why they hate me. 266 00:13:16,588 --> 00:13:18,382 I can't believe I filled that Keurig once. 267 00:13:18,382 --> 00:13:20,300 Oh, my God, you said every morning. 268 00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:22,010 You haven't seen the size of that thing. 269 00:13:22,010 --> 00:13:23,262 Okay, listen. 270 00:13:24,179 --> 00:13:27,432 I think I have an idea on how to get you back in their good graces. 271 00:13:27,432 --> 00:13:30,185 Yes. I write a parody apology song. Ooh! 272 00:13:30,185 --> 00:13:32,688 I can do Me So Horny into Me So Sorry. 273 00:13:32,688 --> 00:13:34,398 Absolutely not. 274 00:13:35,607 --> 00:13:38,110 Right. 275 00:13:40,195 --> 00:13:41,488 What is it? 276 00:13:41,989 --> 00:13:44,992 I invited my crush Zoe to eat here tonight. 277 00:13:45,951 --> 00:13:48,954 Like a date. She said she'd come, 278 00:13:48,954 --> 00:13:52,207 but she stood me up and went to Raphael's party instead. 279 00:13:52,207 --> 00:13:55,502 Which makes sense 'cause his aunt is Sigourney Weaver. 280 00:13:56,378 --> 00:13:58,380 Well, uh... 281 00:13:58,380 --> 00:14:00,382 This may surprise you, 282 00:14:00,966 --> 00:14:04,261 but there was a time when girls stood me up, too. 283 00:14:04,928 --> 00:14:06,513 That doesn't surprise me at all. 284 00:14:07,639 --> 00:14:09,141 Anyway... 285 00:14:11,018 --> 00:14:12,436 Before I was the... 286 00:14:12,436 --> 00:14:14,938 undeniable hottie that you see before you, 287 00:14:15,856 --> 00:14:17,774 I was, 288 00:14:17,774 --> 00:14:20,777 rather sadly, a nottie. 289 00:14:21,195 --> 00:14:23,071 Got pantsed quite a lot, actually. 290 00:14:23,071 --> 00:14:25,240 Something about my slender hips, I think. 291 00:14:26,700 --> 00:14:28,160 You see, 292 00:14:28,160 --> 00:14:29,786 guys like us, 293 00:14:29,786 --> 00:14:31,872 we just need to bide our time a little bit. 294 00:14:31,872 --> 00:14:35,209 I mean, you might lose out to the Raphaels of the world 295 00:14:35,209 --> 00:14:37,169 for the next few years, but, 296 00:14:37,169 --> 00:14:39,796 one day, you will wake up 297 00:14:39,796 --> 00:14:42,549 and find that girls simply cannot resist 298 00:14:42,549 --> 00:14:44,760 the brilliant chef... 299 00:14:44,760 --> 00:14:46,136 with the golden hat. 300 00:14:46,970 --> 00:14:48,680 Okay? 301 00:14:48,680 --> 00:14:49,932 Come on. 302 00:14:49,932 --> 00:14:52,434 Go off and enjoy your childhood. 303 00:14:52,434 --> 00:14:55,187 Get back to working this highly demanding late-night job 304 00:14:55,187 --> 00:14:57,731 that I can only assume is wildly illegal for you to have. 305 00:14:57,731 --> 00:15:00,651 - It's not illegal. - I was emancipated when I was 9. 306 00:15:10,452 --> 00:15:12,621 So, why on earth would you leave 307 00:15:12,621 --> 00:15:14,790 your awesome rent-controlled apartment in the city? 308 00:15:14,790 --> 00:15:17,376 Wait. Forget I asked you that. 309 00:15:17,376 --> 00:15:19,628 Dad's right. I'm a terrible realtor. 310 00:15:20,128 --> 00:15:22,881 To be honest, I need space from my girlfriend. 311 00:15:22,881 --> 00:15:25,884 What? What does she need space from? 312 00:15:27,010 --> 00:15:29,471 I have no clue. 313 00:15:29,471 --> 00:15:33,308 Well, if you need space, this kitchen is to die for. 314 00:15:33,308 --> 00:15:36,812 I mean, do a lap around this island. It's huge. 315 00:15:38,397 --> 00:15:40,816 All stainless steel appliances. 316 00:15:40,816 --> 00:15:44,069 Oh, this is a PowerPlus burner, five-top... 317 00:15:44,778 --> 00:15:47,406 Okay. She's distracted by the cabinets. 318 00:15:47,406 --> 00:15:50,033 Stay low, and move toward the front door. 319 00:15:54,830 --> 00:15:56,123 Ellen? 320 00:15:56,999 --> 00:15:58,584 Rachel? 321 00:15:58,584 --> 00:16:00,586 This is so random! 322 00:16:07,342 --> 00:16:09,052 What are you doing here? 323 00:16:11,138 --> 00:16:12,389 We followed you. 324 00:16:12,389 --> 00:16:13,724 You what? 325 00:16:14,975 --> 00:16:17,978 - Yep! Getting my phone call now. - I'm gonna take it... 326 00:16:17,978 --> 00:16:21,106 - Me, too! - I'm getting a fake phone call, too. 327 00:16:24,026 --> 00:16:26,737 - Wow. - I can't believe you followed me here. 328 00:16:26,737 --> 00:16:30,324 - I'm sorry. - You've been acting super weird lately. 329 00:16:30,324 --> 00:16:33,994 Now, I realize it's because you wanted to get away from me. 330 00:16:33,994 --> 00:16:37,372 No! It's not that I want to get away from you. 331 00:16:37,372 --> 00:16:39,958 I just need space. Living next to your girlfriend 332 00:16:39,958 --> 00:16:41,960 can be... a lot. 333 00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:43,754 Of... fun? 334 00:16:44,546 --> 00:16:46,131 Just a lot. 335 00:16:46,131 --> 00:16:48,342 - Ha-ha! - Ah! Don't kill me! 336 00:16:48,342 --> 00:16:49,593 What's cookin', good-lookin'? 337 00:16:49,593 --> 00:16:52,554 Is someone in need of a special Ellen massage?! 338 00:16:55,599 --> 00:16:57,976 I think a little buffer could be good for us. 339 00:16:57,976 --> 00:17:00,938 I was gonna tell you as soon as I found a place. 340 00:17:02,397 --> 00:17:05,567 Rachel, you can get this buffer apartment, 341 00:17:05,567 --> 00:17:07,903 and I can try to rein it in a bit. 342 00:17:07,903 --> 00:17:11,031 But, you said that dating me was a lot, 343 00:17:11,031 --> 00:17:13,075 and I need you to know 344 00:17:13,075 --> 00:17:15,327 that I-I'm always gonna be me. 345 00:17:15,911 --> 00:17:19,331 I'm gonna bake you scones on a whim 346 00:17:19,331 --> 00:17:22,251 and send you kick-ass Spotify playlists 347 00:17:22,251 --> 00:17:25,462 and draw you a bath on sketch paper, 348 00:17:25,462 --> 00:17:28,757 and then laugh and laugh about the play on words. 349 00:17:30,759 --> 00:17:33,595 That's part of the Ellen package. 350 00:17:33,595 --> 00:17:36,557 So, y-you need to decide. 351 00:17:36,557 --> 00:17:38,267 Do you take me as I am, 352 00:17:38,267 --> 00:17:41,270 or not take me at all? 353 00:17:44,565 --> 00:17:47,526 I'm gonna get myself one of those bald cats 354 00:17:47,526 --> 00:17:48,819 for my birthday. 355 00:17:48,819 --> 00:17:49,903 Are you sure? 356 00:17:49,903 --> 00:17:52,489 I feel like it'd be much cheaper to just shave a stray. 357 00:17:54,074 --> 00:17:55,534 Oh, no. He's back. 358 00:17:55,534 --> 00:17:58,537 Hi, guys. I'm Sophie. 359 00:17:58,537 --> 00:17:59,621 I'm sure you don't remember me... 360 00:17:59,621 --> 00:18:00,831 We remember you. 361 00:18:00,831 --> 00:18:02,833 You're the girl that cheated on Drew with Jesse, 362 00:18:02,833 --> 00:18:05,961 then didn't stay with Jesse, so it wasn't even good cheating. 363 00:18:07,421 --> 00:18:10,215 Um... Uh, Melanie? 364 00:18:10,215 --> 00:18:12,384 We suspect that you heard one of Jesse's songs. 365 00:18:12,384 --> 00:18:14,094 It's true. I did. 366 00:18:14,094 --> 00:18:15,971 It was disgusting. 367 00:18:16,388 --> 00:18:17,931 I guess if I got drunk enough, 368 00:18:17,931 --> 00:18:20,475 I could sing Shallow. 369 00:18:26,982 --> 00:18:29,818 Of course, I told everyone what I heard that night. 370 00:18:29,818 --> 00:18:31,278 You traumatized me. 371 00:18:31,278 --> 00:18:32,905 I've been so afraid of sneezing, 372 00:18:32,905 --> 00:18:35,991 I'm getting a hairless cat. A real weird one. 373 00:18:37,784 --> 00:18:39,661 I don't look like Ann Dowd. 374 00:18:39,661 --> 00:18:41,622 I don't even know who Ann Dowd is. 375 00:18:41,622 --> 00:18:43,916 Oh, uh, Leftovers. Handmaid's Tale? 376 00:18:43,916 --> 00:18:45,918 Oh, I love her. 377 00:18:45,918 --> 00:18:47,878 - Oh... - Look. 378 00:18:47,878 --> 00:18:49,922 I'm sorry, alright? I was pissed off 379 00:18:49,922 --> 00:18:53,300 'cause someone stole my Dannon Oikos Greek yogurt from the office fridge. 380 00:18:53,300 --> 00:18:55,385 That was me. I ate that yogurt, 381 00:18:55,385 --> 00:18:58,055 and my only regret is that it was apricot. 382 00:18:58,055 --> 00:18:59,681 Who buys apricot yogurt? 383 00:18:59,681 --> 00:19:01,058 Hey, hate it or eat it, Bob. 384 00:19:01,058 --> 00:19:02,851 - You can't have it both ways. - Okay, everyone, 385 00:19:02,851 --> 00:19:05,062 calm down, alright? 386 00:19:05,062 --> 00:19:06,813 The only way to even the playing field 387 00:19:06,813 --> 00:19:08,941 is you guys gotta roast Jesse back. 388 00:19:09,358 --> 00:19:10,609 That was your big plan? 389 00:19:10,609 --> 00:19:13,153 Sophie, these are professional educators. They're not gonna bully me. 390 00:19:13,153 --> 00:19:16,073 - I'll do it! - Have you guys ever noticed 391 00:19:16,073 --> 00:19:18,242 that when Jesse takes a sip from the water fountain, 392 00:19:18,242 --> 00:19:20,953 he puts his whole mouth around the spout? 393 00:19:20,953 --> 00:19:22,788 Ha, ha, ha. Okay, good one, Melanie. 394 00:19:22,788 --> 00:19:25,457 I'm just trying to save water. The planet is dying, so... 395 00:19:26,208 --> 00:19:27,376 Yeah, Drew. Yeah. 396 00:19:28,001 --> 00:19:30,462 Jesse set up his work printer wrong, 397 00:19:30,462 --> 00:19:32,673 so I've got a copy of his Survivor application. 398 00:19:33,215 --> 00:19:35,342 He says he knows how to, quote, 399 00:19:35,342 --> 00:19:37,594 "Use all the parts of the coconut." 400 00:19:38,136 --> 00:19:42,099 How is being resourceful about God's most versatile tree nut embarrassing? 401 00:19:42,099 --> 00:19:44,726 By the way, you'd be terrible at Survivor. 402 00:19:44,726 --> 00:19:46,687 Your social game is garbage. 403 00:19:46,687 --> 00:19:49,481 And parody songs are the lowest form of art, 404 00:19:49,481 --> 00:19:50,732 you tool! 405 00:19:53,443 --> 00:19:55,737 Well, we did it. 406 00:19:55,737 --> 00:19:58,991 We went out to dinner and did not fall into bed together, 407 00:19:58,991 --> 00:20:01,743 so... go us. 408 00:20:02,578 --> 00:20:05,873 I mean, we slurped half a noodle, and then bailed 409 00:20:05,873 --> 00:20:08,876 but, sure. Go us. 410 00:20:12,921 --> 00:20:14,506 Hey, Charlie. Um... 411 00:20:16,717 --> 00:20:18,302 The whole not wanting kids thing... 412 00:20:19,803 --> 00:20:21,013 Are you sure? 413 00:20:21,013 --> 00:20:23,307 Because I-I know. I know you had a tricky upbringing. 414 00:20:24,516 --> 00:20:26,393 But you were great tonight. 415 00:20:28,103 --> 00:20:30,606 That one moment, I was great. 416 00:20:32,274 --> 00:20:35,944 When you have kids, it's nothing but moments. 417 00:20:35,944 --> 00:20:39,698 It's moment after moment where you have to do exactly the right thing 418 00:20:39,698 --> 00:20:42,659 or risk permanently screwing someone up forever. 419 00:20:46,538 --> 00:20:48,707 Why are you so sure you do want kids? 420 00:20:50,626 --> 00:20:52,127 The moments. 421 00:20:53,003 --> 00:20:56,465 All of the ones you're afraid to mess up and all of the ones in between. 422 00:20:57,466 --> 00:20:59,885 I wanna do my best to make those moments right. 423 00:20:59,885 --> 00:21:01,887 Nothing sounds more incredible to me. 424 00:21:03,972 --> 00:21:05,516 That's beautiful. 425 00:21:07,392 --> 00:21:09,645 So beautiful it changed your mind about kids? 426 00:21:21,740 --> 00:21:22,783 Good night, Charlie. 427 00:21:23,951 --> 00:21:26,954 Good night, Val. You are... 428 00:21:28,247 --> 00:21:29,790 truly terrible company. 429 00:21:29,790 --> 00:21:32,292 Right back at you. 430 00:21:32,292 --> 00:21:35,087 You're boring. And you look like trash. 431 00:21:53,772 --> 00:21:54,815 You okay? 432 00:21:55,566 --> 00:21:56,859 Not really. 433 00:21:57,693 --> 00:21:59,695 - We broke up. - Oh... 434 00:22:00,904 --> 00:22:01,905 Wanna talk about it? 435 00:22:04,157 --> 00:22:05,284 So, uh... 436 00:22:06,076 --> 00:22:08,120 I had a feeling you might need a pick-me-up tonight, 437 00:22:08,120 --> 00:22:10,998 so I've been saving this. Sophie texted me. 438 00:22:10,998 --> 00:22:13,917 Jesse does parody songs at a dive bar in Jersey. 439 00:22:14,376 --> 00:22:17,462 - No... - Yeah. Look, she sent me a video. 440 00:22:17,462 --> 00:22:19,464 No... 441 00:22:24,094 --> 00:22:27,848 I have it on good intel he wears Dave Matthews Band cologne. 442 00:22:27,848 --> 00:22:29,516 I do not, Bob! 443 00:22:30,267 --> 00:22:34,188 And even if I did, David by Dave is a very sophisticated scent. 444 00:22:36,148 --> 00:22:38,150 This is my favorite birthday ever! 445 00:22:38,734 --> 00:22:40,402 Okay. I think, maybe, 446 00:22:40,402 --> 00:22:42,154 we've reached a natural stopping point. 447 00:22:42,154 --> 00:22:44,323 Does everyone feel like we've evened the score? 448 00:22:44,323 --> 00:22:46,658 We could... start fresh? 449 00:22:48,660 --> 00:22:50,287 Yeah, what the hell. 450 00:22:50,287 --> 00:22:53,040 Jesse, you can join my birthday party, 451 00:22:53,040 --> 00:22:54,333 if you want to. 452 00:22:54,333 --> 00:22:56,710 - Thank you. - How about a round on me? 453 00:22:56,710 --> 00:22:58,212 Oh, I'd love a white wine. 454 00:22:58,212 --> 00:22:59,505 You're not invited, cheater. 455 00:23:01,006 --> 00:23:02,508 Okay... 456 00:23:03,967 --> 00:23:05,219 Well, I'm gonna head out. 457 00:23:05,219 --> 00:23:07,179 Uh, hey. Hey. Thank you. 458 00:23:07,930 --> 00:23:08,931 Anytime. 459 00:23:15,812 --> 00:23:16,855 Hi. 460 00:23:16,855 --> 00:23:18,398 Hi... Hi! 461 00:23:18,398 --> 00:23:20,359 Sorry for roasting you. 462 00:23:20,359 --> 00:23:22,986 I-I'm brand new here, and I just wanted them to like me. 463 00:23:22,986 --> 00:23:24,196 No problem. 464 00:23:24,196 --> 00:23:25,864 You're right about Melanie...